Working Through, Not Around: Broken Relationships with Parents

     I learned a mantra a long time ago I regularly pass on to my college students: you can't work your way around problems; you have to work your way through.
     I was reminded of this life truth again early this morning. I woke up, yelling out and crying from a terrible dream. My partner, Jason, just held me and calmed me down, and I eventually fell asleep in his arms.
     What led to this dream was the broken relationship with my parents. More specifically, the iciness by which my mom treats our current communication. Before I came out in 2009, I never had a good relationship with my father, so the fact that he stopped talking to me was not a great loss.
     My mom on the other hand hurt my feelings. Although our relationship has always been conflictual, I very much am my mother's son, and was always the closest to her of me and my brothers.
     Last year, my former university's newspaper did an expose on previous students, administrators and faculty members that have since come out gay. I agreed to be interviewed, and my parents cut off all communication. I didn't even receive so much as a card for Christmas.
     Last month, we were forced into the same space by my ex-wife because she tried to impose mandated supervised visitation (that's a whole other blog...she failed and the judge found her forcing me to have my parents along was not legal).
     Anyway, after zero communication since last September, I was suddenly thrust into an environment with my parents. For the sake of my daughters, I resolved to make it as positive as possible.
     It was good to see my parents. The last day of our forced confinement, we actually had a good time and it felt like "old times". We took the girls to a flea market and had a good day.
     I started talking to mom on the phone again, but one of the conversations turned ugly when she stated she would side with my ex if I tried getting more visitation with my kids.
     My birthday was this last week. I got a cheap card in the mail from parents, but no phone call. This was its own message, of course. Since moving out at age 18, my mom has always called me on my birthday. It really upset me she didn't call.
     Last night I dreamed I was home. I was helping my mom in the kitchen, just wrapping up dinner and washing dishes. She started in on my life, and my choices, and started saying hateful things that were a collage of hurtful things she has said since I came out.
     She became increasingly angry, and in my dream she grabbed my throat and took me to the ground. As I type this, my pulse is racing and I am sweating because of the memory.
     I don't need psychoanalysis to analyze this dream. Hundreds of miles away, without very much communication, at my age of 39 years old my mom is choking me.
     I now need to take the advice I give others. I have to work through this problem.
     I can't change my mom. We will never find common ground as long as she believes I am going to hell and am somehow less of a person and man for being gay.
     But that is HER problem, and I cannot own her issues.
     If you have never asked me, I am a big believer in therapy. It's time I get back to my therapist. Even though it was a dream, when I went into the bathroom this morning I still looked for hand marks around my neck.
     The hands of my mother were an illusion, but the pain is very real.
    

The Mixed Blessing of Couplehood

     When I was parading as a "straight" guy in the South, I noticed a disturbing trend. When my students would enter into serious relationships, many of their single friends would stop reaching out to continue investing in the relationship.
     I have discovered, the hard way, that the same is true for gay relationships. When I moved to San Jose, I developed what I considered a close group of friends. When I broke up with my partner, who was a mutual friend with all of the same people, all did a good job of navigating his needs as well as mine. It felt really great to have friends during that difficult time.
     When I met my partner Jason and we started dating seriously, most of those same people started fading away. Until recently, I worked hard to invite those dear friends to different events and try to keep the friendships healthy. For a while there was an attempt at an effort to reach out to me and include me, but it soon abated.
     I don't get called by most of them any longer. I don't get asked to go and do things. I am far from being someone who is enmeshed with his partner. I can spend time with just my friends.
     However, I think the fact I am in a serious relationship and have a partner puts me at odds with most of my former group. My ex-partner's inability to be civil to me over a year later aside, I also believe the fact I am in a relationship somehow puts up a barrier to some members of the group being able to relate.
     It has always been odd to me. When I've been single I have not had a problem navigating friendships with friends in relationships. I still see them as having an invidual identity, and although some have gotten lost in their romantic relationships I have always made it a point to not treat someone who is coupled differently.
     And now that I am in a relationship, I don't see my single friends differently. I miss them. I miss the fellowship and the comradery. However, after a time, I can only try so much with no "quid pro quo" before I stop trying.
     That time is now, and I am grieving what was. Facebook is cruel in regards to these type of situations. It allows me to see my friends move on in their lives without me, and it sucks. Pictures and posts of the places they go without me rub salt in the wound.
     The past several months I have tried making new friendships, but a lot of single guys have an aversion. Jason and I have some great couple friends, but so far none of them seem to really operate independently without their partner.
     Jason and I love spending time with one another, and prefer to do so. But there are times in both our lives where different interests or schedules invite the possibility of spending quality time with friends. This morning, for example, one of Jason's friends was in San Jose from San Francisco, and they went and had coffee. When I was visiting my girls last month, Jason's best friend from Salinas came to San Jose and they went out for a night on the town.
     The last time someone has called me, just to spend time with me, was before I started dating Jason almost a year ago.
     I miss my friends.

The Importance of Family

     It has been almost two months since my last post. Life has been busy, and part of that recent busyness was a visit from my gay cousin, Matt.
     Technically my second cousin, Matt's mom is my mom's cousin. We grew up sharing many birthday and holiday celebration together. Four years my junior, we even were in the same high school at the same time for a year.
     Although we spent a lot of time together at family functions, Matt and I never became really close. I think we both saw in the other the truth about our sexuality, and this put up a barrier between us getting closer. We both knew being gay was something our family would not accept easily.
     I tried to come out at age 19, and it went very poorly with my family. I then determined to marry and have a family, because that is what I was "supposed" to do. Matt felt this same pressure, and was engaged to be married.
     Two months before the wedding, he called it off. Wisely, he determined it would be a mistake and made the difficult decision to be true to himself, honest with others and strive for a life of integrity.
     Now both of us are older, and closer than we ever were before. I had such a great time spending time with Matt. He met my partner and stayed with us for an evening. We took him out for his birthday to the Castro area of San Francisco and not only had some great laughs, but also some great talks.
     His parents, although they have some differences with his decision, are supportive and loving. My parents once again cut off all communication last September. My hope is that his parents' example will influence my parents, and they will see the importance of maintaining a relationship with their oldest son.
     Until then, I am overjoyed to have a family member that understands me and that I can share my life with...I love you, Matt!

LGBT: Letters That Should Remain Together?

     I recently gave a talk at my college entitled, "The Importance of Coming Out Early: Lessons from a Hartnell Instructor." There were about 200 students and faculty in attendance, and it was largely well-received.
     Immediately after the talk, and also via email, I was contacted by members representing the L, B and T in "LGBT".
     The lesbians felt I should have talked more about the challenges of lesbians.
     The bisexuals felt I should have talked more about the challenges of bisexuals.
     The transgendered felt I should have talked more about the challenges of being transgendered.
     At first, I felt bad. I didn't do a good job of representing the LGBT community in a public forum. I listened very attentively to the concerns presented to me and initially felt sympathy.
     However, in hindsight, I am now reconsidering those negative feelings. I am a gay man. I am not a lesbian. I am not bisexual. I am not transgendered.
      My experience, and therefore my most valuable knowledge to pass to others, is that from the gay experience. It has led me to what could be a controversial claim:
     It is time for the individual letters of LGBT to stand on their own.
     The needs and concerns of the gay community are uniquely gay. The needs and concerns of lesbiana are uniquely lesbian. Bisexuals are bisexuals and transgendered are transgendered.
     I completely understand the history of these four coming together. In many ways, these four were like the Island of Misfit Toys. The only way the four individually had a voice and influence was to join together.
     However, that time has come and gone. With laws and society changing, LGBT does not need to stay huddled together as if the four have a lot in common.
     Quite frankly, we don't any longer. This shift is very subtle but obvious. Many LGBT activists, writers and researchers have been referencing a "plateau" as of late...that the once dynamic momentum of the LGBT community may be cooling.
     I would suggest the reason for this is that it has become convoluted to try and discuss and persuade from a combined LGBT perspective. As a gay man in the gay community, I want to start working towards efforts to promote gay concerns without the extra burden of lesbian, bisexual and transgendered considerations.
     Furthermore, whereas as gays and lesbians have be successful in promoting societal awareness and acceptance of their labels, bisexuals and transgendered have not had similar success. I believe this is largely because bisexuals and transgendered have been lumped with and therefore upstaged by gay and lesbian promotion.
     It is time for each letter of LGBT to stand on its own, claiming its own identity, and remembering fondly the initial collaboration which brought us out of the shadows. The way forward is for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgendered to walk their own path in the sun.

Sight Beyond Sight! What Thundercats Has Taught Me About Life

     Growing up, one of my favorite cartoons was "Thundercats". A race of cat-like humanoids is all but eradicated by the evil Mumm-ra and the surviving members are lead by Lion-o. He carries and wields in times of trouble the Sword of Omens. When he needs to see a situation more clearly and gain greater insight, he holds the sword aloft and declares, "Sword of Omens: Give me sight beyond sight!"

     What this cartoon taught me at a really young age is sometimes we don't see life clearly. This has helped temper some depression I have had of late in terms of how family and former friends see me. When I came out, some of my family and friends acknowledged immediately I made a very difficult choice punctuated by some positive and negative decisions, but ultimately chose a path truer and healthier than I had previously. Some of my family and friends were upset and confused by my decision at first, but as they have talked to me and monitored my "new life" they, too, have come to understand why I did what I did. And others, no matter how hard I try and no matter the dialogue I try to encourage only see me as a failure, a sinner, a deviant and a bad father.

     If my own situation has taught me anything it is to truly not judge someone else's choices and circumstances. At almost 40, I am just realizing how truly critical I have been regarding others' lives.  I have spent almost 30 years as a professing Christian, and yet, I really have done a poor job of seeing others the way I think Jesus would.

     My hero, Leonardo da Vinci, summed it up best:

"There are three classes of people. Those who see. Those who see when they are shown. Those who do not see."

     I don't have a Sword of Omens, but I do hope I can be someone who sees clearly, especially when it comes to my assessment of others.

The End of an Era: Don't Ask, Don't Tell is Over

     When "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was first initiated, I remember thinking, "wow, that's progress. As long as gay men and women don't reveal their sexuality, they can serve their country."
     Over time, I realized how wrong I was in my assumption. Over the years, countless men and women, who served honorably and in important roles, were dismissed from the military EVEN when they didn't tell. If someone else outed a squad mate, or if an officer even heard a whisper of same sex behavior, it ended up being grounds for dismissal.
     I want to dedicate this post to my partner, Jason. Jason entered the military and was studying at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California. It was the early 2000s, and he was studying to be an Arabic translator; a very important role in our military, particularly the past decade.
     Like everything else in his life, Jason was very dedicated. Any dating he did was private and on his own time. However, suspicions of his peers and the proverbial he said/she said led Jason to a very important decision. He did not want to somehow be outed, only to be dismissed. He wanted his interaction with the military to be on his terms.
     Jason drafted a two page letter to his commander/sergeant/whatever they call him, first outlining all of his accomplishments in the military to date. He followed this with an admission that he was a gay man, and given the climate of Don't Ask, Don't Tell he would rather be honest and up front with the military than hide in the shadows.
     As a result, Jason ended up with an Honorable Discharge. His life has since taken a very different track and he is successful in his current career.
     But on this day, the day that Don't Ask, Don't Tell if officially repealed, I can't help but ask "what if?" Had my partner been allowed to finish his training and continue serving in the military, what good could he have accomplished? He's brilliant, and bold, but because he is gay he was deemed unworthy to serve a very important role for our nation.
     To all of the men and women that have had their military service cut short because of Don't Ask, Don't Tell: thank you for when you were able to serve, and know our country would be better off if each and every one of you had been able to continue service.

Happy Anniversary: Two Years of Reflection

Today is exactly two years since I moved from Arkansas to California to begin a new life as an out gay man. I am celebrating by sitting in the McDonald's of the small town I lived with my ex-wife and kids. I just came from a wonderful visit with one of my former colleagues.

Before I left, I had helped design the new Performing Arts Center at the university I was a professor. Because it is an evangelical university, upon coming out as gay and announcing I was divorcing my wife I had to give up my professorship. One of my regrets is that I never got to see the completed Performing Arts Center.

My former colleague offered to give me a tour. I wept when I went inside. My thumbprint was obvious. The original layout had been my design the architects used to draw the final plans. On the wall by the entrance is the permanent commemoration plaque...and my name is present.

This means so much to me. I was worreid that being the gay professor that shamed the university would mean I would not be recognized for the hours and hours I spent designing and planning the building.

I will also be seeing my parents for the first time in 2 years at their home this evening. I invited myself. I don't know how things will go, but I miss my family. My dad had not even talked to me since I left until 3 weeks ago, and my brother Bryan will be present even though he hasn't talked to me at all since I left.

Exactly 2 years ago to date, I followed through with the hardest decision of my life. I didn't want to leave my daughters, but circumstances dictated otherwise. Two years ago, my oldest daughter tried hiding my luggage so I couldn't leave. My middle daughter sulked in a corner. My youngest reached out to me when I walked out the door.

I took a stuffed animal from each of them to keep near me. For two years, I have kept those animals beside my bed or curled in my arms when I sleep. For the past two years, I have only been allowed to see my kids for one weekend a month max, and it has been even less because I can't afford regular airfare with the child support I was gouged with upon moving.

Two years later, the child support is being legally changed and I will be fighting for my wonderful girls to be able to see me for extended periods of time, including visiting me in California.

So, happy anniversary to me: I took the road less travelled, and I know it will make all the difference.