Jason and I had a great housewarming/holiday part this last weekend. Over 60 guests came to our home and definitely helped to "warm" it for the holidays.
At one point between replenishing the jalapeno wontons and opening another bottle of Chardonnay, I looked around our kitchen, into our living room and onto the front porch.
There were faculty and staff from my college. Several of our neighbors were mingling and visiting. We had friends from Santa Cruz, San Jose, Monterey, Carmel and even a friend travelling through from Arkansas.
What I loved about this tableau is that there were no issues of gay or straight, poor or rich, religious or not. All I could see were people that we cared about, that cared about us, and everyone was having a great time.
This helps take the sting out of this time of year for me. My immediate family has still cut off all communication. My extended family has worsened communication with me. Recently, my grandmother was thrown a big, surprise 90th birthday party. I wasn't invited for fear I would show up with my "friend." Some friends I invested a lot of time and sharing have cut me off as well.
However, when I looked around at the smiling faces in my home, I was reminded of how blessed my life really is and how I wish some of these family and friends could have witnessed the wonderful people which help color mine and Jason's daily lives.
Happy holidays to all!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Cliques Aren't Just in High School
For years, I have taught students in my Interpersonal Communication class cliques are not just a high school thing. Adults often form cliques as well, and they can be as petty and frustrating as any from teenage days of yore.
Don't get me wrong: having a core group of friends is healthy and can be a great support. However, when this identity prevents the formation of new friendships and the group self-protects from new members, these are often red flags.
Three years into the gay community, and I can say, at least for the San Francisco/San Jose area, gay cliques are a research area begging for a Jane Goodall type of field study. I am not an anthropologist, but here are my field notes thus far:
Gay Christians: With a cohesion and a near cult impenetrability, I have been privy to three different groups of guys, each group from its own church, over the past three years. I identify as a Christian, and I attempted to get to know guys in two of these groups and find a church home. I was never invited to a lunch, or coffee, or dinner. With one such group, I inadvertently was on the receiving end of the clique mentality and judging certain decisions I had made. It became clear I wasn't "Christian enough" for this particular group.
The "we have more money than we know what to do with and you don't" group: Members of this type of gay clique in the Bay area are really frustrating. At first, they welcome you in and invite you out to really expensive dinners, outings, even over to their homes for gatherings. However, the interest in you wanes after you have to start saying "no" to last minute trips to Tahoe, regularly declining $100 evenings out and have to establish budget boundaries. I found several guys I connected with, but very quickly the phone calls, texting and email invites stopped.
The "we are couples who like to play together" group: This one was a surprise for me. I have met an entire group of couples that have open relationships. Defined: they have sex with other people outside of their relationship. There was immediate interest, particularly in Jason and I as a couple. However, when we were asked or it came out we are monogamous, suddenly we weren't invited to parties or gatherings any longer.
There are more, and each equally fascinating. Music aficionados, techno geeks, Disney worshipers A-list bears, etc. I know I am not alone in my observations because other gay men in the Bay area have expressed as much.
I find it odd that anyone in the gay community, a community which historically prided itself in acceptance and diversity, would work so hard to form exclusive sub-groups.
Thoughts?
Don't get me wrong: having a core group of friends is healthy and can be a great support. However, when this identity prevents the formation of new friendships and the group self-protects from new members, these are often red flags.
Three years into the gay community, and I can say, at least for the San Francisco/San Jose area, gay cliques are a research area begging for a Jane Goodall type of field study. I am not an anthropologist, but here are my field notes thus far:
Gay Christians: With a cohesion and a near cult impenetrability, I have been privy to three different groups of guys, each group from its own church, over the past three years. I identify as a Christian, and I attempted to get to know guys in two of these groups and find a church home. I was never invited to a lunch, or coffee, or dinner. With one such group, I inadvertently was on the receiving end of the clique mentality and judging certain decisions I had made. It became clear I wasn't "Christian enough" for this particular group.
The "we have more money than we know what to do with and you don't" group: Members of this type of gay clique in the Bay area are really frustrating. At first, they welcome you in and invite you out to really expensive dinners, outings, even over to their homes for gatherings. However, the interest in you wanes after you have to start saying "no" to last minute trips to Tahoe, regularly declining $100 evenings out and have to establish budget boundaries. I found several guys I connected with, but very quickly the phone calls, texting and email invites stopped.
The "we are couples who like to play together" group: This one was a surprise for me. I have met an entire group of couples that have open relationships. Defined: they have sex with other people outside of their relationship. There was immediate interest, particularly in Jason and I as a couple. However, when we were asked or it came out we are monogamous, suddenly we weren't invited to parties or gatherings any longer.
There are more, and each equally fascinating. Music aficionados, techno geeks, Disney worshipers A-list bears, etc. I know I am not alone in my observations because other gay men in the Bay area have expressed as much.
I find it odd that anyone in the gay community, a community which historically prided itself in acceptance and diversity, would work so hard to form exclusive sub-groups.
Thoughts?
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Why Not Gay Marriage? We Have the Worse...
While we wait for our house to close, Jason and I are in a motel in Soledad, California with our dog Amber, our turtle Bentley, a few changes of clothes and the amount of food that can fit in a small dorm size fridge and be cooked in a microwave.
We have had a lot of challenges the past month. Both under a lot of stress, technically homeless, both fighting colds, unsettled: it has been a rough road.
Although it have been difficult, I have never been happier.
There is something about sharing this journey with Jason I find rewarding and exciting. I like that we have committed our lives to one another, and times such of this truly make us a couple.
There are those opposed to gay marriage , somehow justifying that a gay relationship can't mirror a straight marriage.
However, if marriage is "for better or for worse," I have been privy to several gay couples that have been through the bad times, and are still committed to sharing the positive and the negative life can dish.
The more gay couples I meet, the more I see that marriage for a gay couple is really just a legal formality with some extra benefits. It doesn't make a gay relationship any more real to the couple, because each is already living for better or for worse.
And by that definition, a couple, gay or otherwise, is already married in my book.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Facing Truth: The Power of Writing a Memoir
Today, my memoir, "Modern Day Hyde," was released on Amazon:
I began work on this almost 3 years ago, and finally felt it was at a point it could be useful for those who read it.
The most difficult part of the book was not the writing, or the editing, but the mirror aspect writing it has had. I had to see my true reflection.
As I determined to be as truthful as possible, I had to face so many poor decisions I have made in my past. Everyone, to some degree, likes to have an image of himself/herself more complimentary than reality.
After this process, all I am left with is humility and a very real assessment of how "not great" I have been in the past.
Here's to truth!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Do NOT boycott Chick-fil-A: A More Effective Approach
The recent furor over Chick-fil-A's C.E.O. and his comments and acknowledgment of corporate funding for anti-gay organizations has blown up across Facebook, Twiiter, blogs, etc. Many of my friends and acquaintances in the LGBT community, as well as some national leaders and influential writers, are calling for a boycott.
I disagree with this approach. Much of the push back against gay rights is fueled by ignorance. Most people who are "anti-gay" don't even know any gay people.
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has encouraged individuals to eat at Chick-fil-A on August 1st to show support for the company's "conservative values."
What if all gay couples, lesbian couples, bi-sexual couples and transgendered couples ALSO showed up at their local Chick-fil-A restaurant on August 1st? If you are single, get a friend to go with you and pretend to be a couple as you share waffle fries!
If you look at media clips and historical documentation, most Americans were against interracial couples until they were EXPOSED to interracial couples. We turned a corner on misconceptions in that arena, and the same approach can gain the LGBT community ground in 2012.
Don't boycott Chick-fil-A. Go with your spouse or partner, order a meal, maybe even walk in hand-in-hand. Those that are in a world of misunderstanding and hateful toward what they do not know might just change perceptions when, as they are eating chicken nuggets, look across the restaurant at a happy gay couple do the same.
I disagree with this approach. Much of the push back against gay rights is fueled by ignorance. Most people who are "anti-gay" don't even know any gay people.
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has encouraged individuals to eat at Chick-fil-A on August 1st to show support for the company's "conservative values."
What if all gay couples, lesbian couples, bi-sexual couples and transgendered couples ALSO showed up at their local Chick-fil-A restaurant on August 1st? If you are single, get a friend to go with you and pretend to be a couple as you share waffle fries!
If you look at media clips and historical documentation, most Americans were against interracial couples until they were EXPOSED to interracial couples. We turned a corner on misconceptions in that arena, and the same approach can gain the LGBT community ground in 2012.
Don't boycott Chick-fil-A. Go with your spouse or partner, order a meal, maybe even walk in hand-in-hand. Those that are in a world of misunderstanding and hateful toward what they do not know might just change perceptions when, as they are eating chicken nuggets, look across the restaurant at a happy gay couple do the same.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
A Tale of Two Fathers' Days
I awoke this morning to the sound of my phone ringing. Before I even opened my eyes, I knew who was calling. Sure enough, as I answered I was greeted by my daughters, in unison, declaring "Happy Father's Day!".
I giggled and told them "thank you", and my youngest daughter said they had a "surprise" for me. My oldest did the verbal count of "1! 2! 3!". All three broke into song, singing a rendition of Selena Gomez' "Love You Like a Love Song." In their version, the chorus goes, "I, I love you like a love song, Daddy! I, I love you like a love song, Daddy!"
I grinned from ear to ear, leaning the phone over so my partner, Jason, could listen. At the end of the song, my middle daughter, Mia, proclaimed, "I rearranged the words, Dad!" My oldest, Ella, was quick to retort, "But it was my idea, Dad!" We talked for a couple of minutes and I enjoyed the rest of my Father's Day. After all, it started on a "high note".
It made me think of my own dad. I am not sure what his day was like, but it was probably markedly different from mine. My youngest brother ostracized himself from my parents several years ago and did not call or write. My other brother lives with my parents (still) and I am sure took dad out for a nice meal. I, for the first time in over three decades, did not get my dad a Father's Day card or wish him well.
As you may know from other posts, my parents have pretty much cut me off since I came out. However, the past three years I have made attempts to send birthday and holiday cards and presents on occasion. I have recently decided I can no longer waste effort.
I discovered from my daughters recently (and it was confirmed by my ex-wife) my parents have been telling my 8, 7 and 5 year old daughters their daddy is going to hell. For me, this was the last straw. Growing up, my parents resented my grandparents for telling me negative things about my own father. I remember how hurt and angry my dad was at times, not understanding why grandparents would turn a grandchild against his own father.
History has a funny way of repeating itself. 30 years later, and my dad is telling my daughters things that could poison them against me.
Could...but it hasn't, and it won't.
I decided to take a course of action my parents never would. Before I even had kids, I told my parents clearly if they ever bad mouthed me or the girls mother like my grandparents had done I would cut off communication and not let them spend time with my daughters.
I no longer have control over the latter, but I can control my own communication. My dad was in my thoughts today, but that was the extent. No card, no phone call, and at the end of the day, no guilt.
My girls love me and were so excited to wish me a happy day. Apparently, I even have a hand-made gift on its way in the mail. I was able to appreciate what I have with my girls and celebrate being their dad.
I only wish I could have celebrated being my father's son. I hope Father's Day for my dad was a reminder of what he has lost, rather than what he has. If he can remember how bad he felt when he was spoke of poorly, and seek to reconnect with me, his son, then maybe next year we can celebrate Father's Day together instead of isolation.
I giggled and told them "thank you", and my youngest daughter said they had a "surprise" for me. My oldest did the verbal count of "1! 2! 3!". All three broke into song, singing a rendition of Selena Gomez' "Love You Like a Love Song." In their version, the chorus goes, "I, I love you like a love song, Daddy! I, I love you like a love song, Daddy!"
I grinned from ear to ear, leaning the phone over so my partner, Jason, could listen. At the end of the song, my middle daughter, Mia, proclaimed, "I rearranged the words, Dad!" My oldest, Ella, was quick to retort, "But it was my idea, Dad!" We talked for a couple of minutes and I enjoyed the rest of my Father's Day. After all, it started on a "high note".
It made me think of my own dad. I am not sure what his day was like, but it was probably markedly different from mine. My youngest brother ostracized himself from my parents several years ago and did not call or write. My other brother lives with my parents (still) and I am sure took dad out for a nice meal. I, for the first time in over three decades, did not get my dad a Father's Day card or wish him well.
As you may know from other posts, my parents have pretty much cut me off since I came out. However, the past three years I have made attempts to send birthday and holiday cards and presents on occasion. I have recently decided I can no longer waste effort.
I discovered from my daughters recently (and it was confirmed by my ex-wife) my parents have been telling my 8, 7 and 5 year old daughters their daddy is going to hell. For me, this was the last straw. Growing up, my parents resented my grandparents for telling me negative things about my own father. I remember how hurt and angry my dad was at times, not understanding why grandparents would turn a grandchild against his own father.
History has a funny way of repeating itself. 30 years later, and my dad is telling my daughters things that could poison them against me.
Could...but it hasn't, and it won't.
I decided to take a course of action my parents never would. Before I even had kids, I told my parents clearly if they ever bad mouthed me or the girls mother like my grandparents had done I would cut off communication and not let them spend time with my daughters.
I no longer have control over the latter, but I can control my own communication. My dad was in my thoughts today, but that was the extent. No card, no phone call, and at the end of the day, no guilt.
My girls love me and were so excited to wish me a happy day. Apparently, I even have a hand-made gift on its way in the mail. I was able to appreciate what I have with my girls and celebrate being their dad.
I only wish I could have celebrated being my father's son. I hope Father's Day for my dad was a reminder of what he has lost, rather than what he has. If he can remember how bad he felt when he was spoke of poorly, and seek to reconnect with me, his son, then maybe next year we can celebrate Father's Day together instead of isolation.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
All in the Family: Where Prejudice Meets Reality
A very important event occurred in my family last week: out of my generation of cousins, a fourth cousin came out as gay last week to his parents, then public to other friends and family. Of my cousins/second cousins, this makes the third out gay man and we have one lesbian cousin. I won't even begin to conjecture on those in my family still in the closet.
Members of our family helped raise us, saw us grow, cheered our accomplishments and celebrated our lives. That is, until each of us came out. Some of our family members have chalked us up to "sinners". Others "tolerate" us because we are family, but in their eyes, we are still sinners and somehow less than we once were.
I think family can be a place where our prejudices are challenged...if we allow them to be. For example, I grew up in a home where black people were regularly referred to as "niggers". That ugly moniker still gets used by my parents and brothers, largely because one of those "niggers" has not found his/her way into our family.
I also grew up learning to refer to Hispanics and Latinos as "spics" and "wetbacks". However, this terminology largely disappeared because we ended up with some wonderful family members of Latino background. Over time, my family's prejudice was challenged and the knee jerk assumptions were fewer and far between.
My hope is since there is a third "faggot" in our ranks (and one "dyke") my immediate family and members of our extended family would start questioning biases. At some point, ridiculous accusations of molestation, "giving in to Satan" and chemical imbalance as explanations should give way to emerging understandings of sexuality, including medically, psychologically AND theologically.
If nothing else, I wonder how many more family members have to come out before our family evolves some of its thinking. If our family could adapt and accept other "scandals" in our family: affairs, women in the work force, divorce, drug abuse, mental illness, out-of-wedlock pregnancies, and bastard children, I'm sure this whole "gay" thing can be dealt with as well.
Members of our family helped raise us, saw us grow, cheered our accomplishments and celebrated our lives. That is, until each of us came out. Some of our family members have chalked us up to "sinners". Others "tolerate" us because we are family, but in their eyes, we are still sinners and somehow less than we once were.
I think family can be a place where our prejudices are challenged...if we allow them to be. For example, I grew up in a home where black people were regularly referred to as "niggers". That ugly moniker still gets used by my parents and brothers, largely because one of those "niggers" has not found his/her way into our family.
I also grew up learning to refer to Hispanics and Latinos as "spics" and "wetbacks". However, this terminology largely disappeared because we ended up with some wonderful family members of Latino background. Over time, my family's prejudice was challenged and the knee jerk assumptions were fewer and far between.
My hope is since there is a third "faggot" in our ranks (and one "dyke") my immediate family and members of our extended family would start questioning biases. At some point, ridiculous accusations of molestation, "giving in to Satan" and chemical imbalance as explanations should give way to emerging understandings of sexuality, including medically, psychologically AND theologically.
If nothing else, I wonder how many more family members have to come out before our family evolves some of its thinking. If our family could adapt and accept other "scandals" in our family: affairs, women in the work force, divorce, drug abuse, mental illness, out-of-wedlock pregnancies, and bastard children, I'm sure this whole "gay" thing can be dealt with as well.
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