I flew out to visit my daughters in Oklahoma this weekend and celebrate Halloween. We had a great time and I headed to the airport this morning to head home for the work week.
In line at the DFW airport, a young girl standing with her mom took notice of my luggage tag. I'm not a big "rainbow flag" person, but I get the significance. So, I purchased luggage tags with a rainbow squiggly type thing to make sure I always know which bags are mine.
After a few seconds she asked innocently, "Why do you have a rainbow on your suitcase?" I smiled and my kneejerk response was to explain why the rainbow symbol was important to me.
But then I thought of everything I have been through with my own children. How in my divorce decree I agreed to not tell my children anything about being gay or ever mention my partner. At the time of separating from my wife, my in-laws and my own parents were ready to speak out against me in court if I tried fighting or changing any of my wife's demands.
All of them wanted to protect my girls from my "lifestyle" and my "bad decisions". Recently, my ex-wife reminded me she wanted to protect their "innocence" for as long as she could.
Gay people are a fact of life that will not be shoved back in to the closet. Are parents really protecting their children by pretending gay people don't exist?
Today at the airport, I looked at the young girl...and I lied. I told her I liked all the colors. The mom slowly exhaled and gave me a thankful smile.
I boarded the plane and I wondered:
Who did I protect more?
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
"It Gets Better": A Great Message or a False Promise?
I have discussed with many friends the recent "It Gets Better" movement which has gained momentum since the recent rash of gay suicides. People sharing their "it got better for me" stories, the young Broadway stars uniting for a recording of a song "It Gets Better", and stars and politicians speaking out to bring more attention to the plight of many young gay people have flooded the media and YouTube.
Although "It Gets Better" is a catchy, feel good saying meant to promote hope it can also evoke negative emotions. One friend called me upset, reminding me how in his own life things really haven't gotten better for him over the years. When I was a young gay man growing up in an ultraconservative home in the Southwest, things didn't get better for me until I went so far in the closet I thought I could see Narnia.
For the LGBT community, many of the things that have "got better" over the years have not come as the result of some heartwarming, spontaneous movement unleashed on the masses. Most of the good that the LGBT community enjoys has been the result of the efforts of its own citizenry.
No matter how much we say "It Gets Better", there is no guarantee our society will be any more accepting of alternative sexual orientation a generation from now than it is currently. It's a great dream, but one that can lead to disappointment.
Tomorrow a young gay man will go to school and be bullied and harassed by his peers. Tomorrow an accomplished lesbian lawyer will be passed over for a key promotion because of her sexuality.
What our community needs more than slogans is education and action on how to defend ourselves when needed, persuade others when opportunity affords, and treat our own wounds and push forward; even if things gets worse.
Although "It Gets Better" is a catchy, feel good saying meant to promote hope it can also evoke negative emotions. One friend called me upset, reminding me how in his own life things really haven't gotten better for him over the years. When I was a young gay man growing up in an ultraconservative home in the Southwest, things didn't get better for me until I went so far in the closet I thought I could see Narnia.
For the LGBT community, many of the things that have "got better" over the years have not come as the result of some heartwarming, spontaneous movement unleashed on the masses. Most of the good that the LGBT community enjoys has been the result of the efforts of its own citizenry.
No matter how much we say "It Gets Better", there is no guarantee our society will be any more accepting of alternative sexual orientation a generation from now than it is currently. It's a great dream, but one that can lead to disappointment.
Tomorrow a young gay man will go to school and be bullied and harassed by his peers. Tomorrow an accomplished lesbian lawyer will be passed over for a key promotion because of her sexuality.
What our community needs more than slogans is education and action on how to defend ourselves when needed, persuade others when opportunity affords, and treat our own wounds and push forward; even if things gets worse.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Don't Drink the Tea!: How the Gay Community Can Keep Voting Focus
This has been one of the most entertaining political seasons in recent memory. Nothing has entertained me so much as the Tea Party. From the over-top-candidates (thank you for the laughs, Christine O'Donnell) to ridiculous party platforms (no masturbation?) to blatant racism (yes, I mistake Latinos for Asians all the time) the Tea Party has caused quite the stir in the polical arena.
While the Republican party has enjoyed being energized as of late, the Democrats have been losing steam. An A.P. report released yesterday indicates this is particularly true in the gay community, with many reporting they are either not going to vote at all or try to find a different candidate to vote for next Tuesday. Discouraged and disallusioned by unfilled promises by the Obama administration, the gay community feels betrayed and may lash back come election day.
This may feel good in the short term, but in the long term this will only harm future attempts at gay friendly legislation. Make no mistake: the Obama administration and Democrats in general may be tempering current support of gay issues, but the Democratic Party is and will be the only party by which the gay community will experience positive change.
In the current political climate, not voting for or voting against a Democrat nominee is voting for a Republican candidate. There are some upstanding Republican candidates that are gay affirming, but they are few and far between.
There may not be a "good" candidate to vote for in many of next week's elections, but there is always a candidate that is the "lesser of two evils". Next Tuesday, the gay community needs to remember to vote for those candidates who are most likely to implement the change we desire; if not right away, at least in the future.
While the Republican party has enjoyed being energized as of late, the Democrats have been losing steam. An A.P. report released yesterday indicates this is particularly true in the gay community, with many reporting they are either not going to vote at all or try to find a different candidate to vote for next Tuesday. Discouraged and disallusioned by unfilled promises by the Obama administration, the gay community feels betrayed and may lash back come election day.
This may feel good in the short term, but in the long term this will only harm future attempts at gay friendly legislation. Make no mistake: the Obama administration and Democrats in general may be tempering current support of gay issues, but the Democratic Party is and will be the only party by which the gay community will experience positive change.
In the current political climate, not voting for or voting against a Democrat nominee is voting for a Republican candidate. There are some upstanding Republican candidates that are gay affirming, but they are few and far between.
There may not be a "good" candidate to vote for in many of next week's elections, but there is always a candidate that is the "lesser of two evils". Next Tuesday, the gay community needs to remember to vote for those candidates who are most likely to implement the change we desire; if not right away, at least in the future.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Still a Long Ways to Go: Representations of Same Sex Couples in Film and Audience Response
I went with my roommate Shawn to see "Life as We Know It". In a couple of different scenes, there is a gay couple introduced along with other parents, talking about the trials and tribulations of parenthood.
Shawn made an interesting observation on the way home: when the gay couple was first portrayed onscreen, there were chuckles from the audience. It wasn't that the couple was over the top or caricatured in any fashion. The simple fact they were a same sex couple illicited laughter.
If I was still living in the South I might expect such a reaction. But I am in California...living in the Bay area...near the Mother Ship city of gay acceptance.
It was a sobering reminder that just because people don't outwardly express negative attitudes doesn't mean the negativity doesn't exist. In many ways it is similar to racism: just because our country passed laws to prevent discrimination, there is no law that can be passed to change people's thinking. Racism is still alive and well, and is largely held in check because of the fear of consequences; not because most people have truely had a change of heart and worldview.
What lurks under the surface can be just as dangerous as outward hatred. Veiled disdain is no better than obvious disgust. The rhetoric I despise the most comes from the evangelical community, in the "we need to love the sinner and hate the sin" mantra used to reference homosexuals. It is really diatribe in its truest sense. Human nature is ugly, and these attempts to appear more hospitable to homosexuals actually perpetuates treating gays as "others" or "lesser" individuals. Althought many Christian leaders say they "love the sinner", very few actually interact with or show love towards the homosexual unless the homosexual is first repentant.
No, I can not draw a causal link between "love the sinner and hate the sin" and the snickers from the audience this evening. But what is clear is that behind each person is a leader, a lesson, or a voice that has told and continues to reinforce a viewpoint of homosexual couples as lower class citizens worthy of laughter.
I wish everyone that laughed in the auditorium tonight could live with a gay couple or family for a day and discover the real joke may be the anit-gay sentiment steeped in years of misunderstanding and misconception.
Shawn made an interesting observation on the way home: when the gay couple was first portrayed onscreen, there were chuckles from the audience. It wasn't that the couple was over the top or caricatured in any fashion. The simple fact they were a same sex couple illicited laughter.
If I was still living in the South I might expect such a reaction. But I am in California...living in the Bay area...near the Mother Ship city of gay acceptance.
It was a sobering reminder that just because people don't outwardly express negative attitudes doesn't mean the negativity doesn't exist. In many ways it is similar to racism: just because our country passed laws to prevent discrimination, there is no law that can be passed to change people's thinking. Racism is still alive and well, and is largely held in check because of the fear of consequences; not because most people have truely had a change of heart and worldview.
What lurks under the surface can be just as dangerous as outward hatred. Veiled disdain is no better than obvious disgust. The rhetoric I despise the most comes from the evangelical community, in the "we need to love the sinner and hate the sin" mantra used to reference homosexuals. It is really diatribe in its truest sense. Human nature is ugly, and these attempts to appear more hospitable to homosexuals actually perpetuates treating gays as "others" or "lesser" individuals. Althought many Christian leaders say they "love the sinner", very few actually interact with or show love towards the homosexual unless the homosexual is first repentant.
No, I can not draw a causal link between "love the sinner and hate the sin" and the snickers from the audience this evening. But what is clear is that behind each person is a leader, a lesson, or a voice that has told and continues to reinforce a viewpoint of homosexual couples as lower class citizens worthy of laughter.
I wish everyone that laughed in the auditorium tonight could live with a gay couple or family for a day and discover the real joke may be the anit-gay sentiment steeped in years of misunderstanding and misconception.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Respect in Sports: Gay Men and the Last Frontier
I am sitting here watching the San Francisco Giants take on the Philadelphia Phillies. It is bottom of the 9th, and the pitcher for S.F., Wilson, is trying to close out the game and earn his team a berth to the World Series.
While his pitching is stellar, another attribute of his distracted me. Wilson has light brown hair and freckles. However, he is sporting a dyed black beard. When I say black, I mean raven black. He looks like a grungy pirate. The commentators were having a great time razzing him and put a hairless pic up on the screen to show a blue eyed, baby faced Wilson next to his current self: someone who looks like they got their momma's mascara to darken his facial hair.
I know this trick because I tried it when I was younger. And then I wondered: could Wilson be gay? After all, dying ones beard isn't really a "straight" thing to do...is it? It really doesn't matter if he is gay or not, but it made me ponder how many gay men are secretly hiding in plain sight in the world of professional sports. Statistically, we know they exist. But to be out and a professional athlete is almost unheard of, especially in the more "macho" realms of baseball, football, basketball and hockey.
In the wake of the recent gay suicides, I wonder how society's attitudes toward gay men would change if those in the athletic elite were out and honest about their homosexuality. When I think of my friends and social group, I know gay men of every shape, size and interest. Some are effeminate and others are completely butch. But the big, hairy burly gay guys I call friends are not represented on the national stage or in the assumptions or our society's skewed viewpoint of homosexuals.
The game is over. Wilson struck out the last batter and the Giants are headed to the World Series. He jumped up and down and hugged his catcher. Maybe, just maybe he'll read my blog, put away his momma's mascara, and be motivated to explain why he really dyes his facial hair for national television.
While his pitching is stellar, another attribute of his distracted me. Wilson has light brown hair and freckles. However, he is sporting a dyed black beard. When I say black, I mean raven black. He looks like a grungy pirate. The commentators were having a great time razzing him and put a hairless pic up on the screen to show a blue eyed, baby faced Wilson next to his current self: someone who looks like they got their momma's mascara to darken his facial hair.
I know this trick because I tried it when I was younger. And then I wondered: could Wilson be gay? After all, dying ones beard isn't really a "straight" thing to do...is it? It really doesn't matter if he is gay or not, but it made me ponder how many gay men are secretly hiding in plain sight in the world of professional sports. Statistically, we know they exist. But to be out and a professional athlete is almost unheard of, especially in the more "macho" realms of baseball, football, basketball and hockey.
In the wake of the recent gay suicides, I wonder how society's attitudes toward gay men would change if those in the athletic elite were out and honest about their homosexuality. When I think of my friends and social group, I know gay men of every shape, size and interest. Some are effeminate and others are completely butch. But the big, hairy burly gay guys I call friends are not represented on the national stage or in the assumptions or our society's skewed viewpoint of homosexuals.
The game is over. Wilson struck out the last batter and the Giants are headed to the World Series. He jumped up and down and hugged his catcher. Maybe, just maybe he'll read my blog, put away his momma's mascara, and be motivated to explain why he really dyes his facial hair for national television.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Haven't We Heard This Before?
In the craziness of on again/off again politics surrounding the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, it has surprised me the rhetoric does not sound familiar to many. If one looks back at the arguments against allowing women in the military one will find there is nothing new under the discriminatory sun. Arguments ranging from "military preparedness" to "troop morale" were cited repeatedly to stop what was the inevitable: honorable and courageous women serving our military in various capacities, both in the field and off.
While there are still pockets of the military and society that might disagree with women serving in our armed forces the "consequences" are clear: our military did not become weaker or more vulnerable. Those who made the argument persuasively and demanded action decisively to promote women in the military did so because they knew it would only make our military better.
There will always be those uncomfortable with alternative sexual orientations. However, the fact a man is attracted to other men does not effect his ability to establish a satellite link, repair a jet fighter or pull a trigger. The knowledge a woman is attracted to other women does not effect her ability stitch up a comrade, pilot a helicopter or throw a grenade.
There is no evidence of one's sexual orientation negatively effecting military practices. The truth is that homosexuals (as in other arenas) have performed admirably throughout the history of the military. Unfortunately, we may never know of those individuals and their contributions because of the past necessity of hiding sexuality. By once and for all ending "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", and some of the narrow minded fundamentals behind its initial inception, history can begin recording the heroic stories of men and women from the LGBT community serving in our military ranks.
While there are still pockets of the military and society that might disagree with women serving in our armed forces the "consequences" are clear: our military did not become weaker or more vulnerable. Those who made the argument persuasively and demanded action decisively to promote women in the military did so because they knew it would only make our military better.
There will always be those uncomfortable with alternative sexual orientations. However, the fact a man is attracted to other men does not effect his ability to establish a satellite link, repair a jet fighter or pull a trigger. The knowledge a woman is attracted to other women does not effect her ability stitch up a comrade, pilot a helicopter or throw a grenade.
There is no evidence of one's sexual orientation negatively effecting military practices. The truth is that homosexuals (as in other arenas) have performed admirably throughout the history of the military. Unfortunately, we may never know of those individuals and their contributions because of the past necessity of hiding sexuality. By once and for all ending "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", and some of the narrow minded fundamentals behind its initial inception, history can begin recording the heroic stories of men and women from the LGBT community serving in our military ranks.
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