Awkward is as Awkward Does...

     In my continuing growth in and acceptance of my identity as a gay man, I decided it would be good for me to see what resources are available in the local area for me to find out about the life experiences of other gay men.
     My search led me to the Billy DeFrank Center. It is San Jose's GLBT Community Center. A good friend of mine is a member of the board, and the Center does a lot in the community and has a great reputation for fostering the greater good.
     On the Center's website there is a "Men's Discussion Group" listed. The group meets on Thursdays nights to discuss "relevant" topics pertinent to gay men. I decided I would go this past Thursday and approached with an open mind.
     As 20 other men took their places I noticed I was one of the youngest. The group moderator came in and the meeting started promptly when it should at 7:30 p.m.: so far, so good.
     The moderator acknowledged my presence and had every guy introduce himself in turn. Again, I was impressed. My previous experience leading similar groups allowed me to notice the display of good leadership.
     Next, the moderator opened a large binder with the label "Men's Discussion Group". Very calmly, very non-chalant, the moderator announced the evening's topic.
     "Tonight's discussion topic is Cruising Gyms."
     I about fell out of my chair. Cruising gyms? I was looking forward to maybe a discussion on overcoming gay stereotypes, or addressing homophobia or maybe even a discussion of the upcoming Prop 8 appeal. Nothing prepared me for the topic on how to pursue public sex in a health complex.
     Normally this sort of absurdity would evoke an immediate vocal response. However, a bigger part of me on this evening wanted nothing more than to go grab a bowl of popcorn and watch the train wreck unfold before me.
     Many of the guys stumbled awkwardly around the topic, talking about things "they've seen". However, none of them were talking about what "they've done". After 30 of the most uncomfortable minutes I have ever witnessed someone asked the obvious question.
     "How did we end up with this topic, anyway?"
     Indeed. How does a men's group which is supposed to provide an atmosphere of relatability and free-flowing discussion end up with a topic more appropriate for a porn story line?
     The remaining hour ended up collapsing in to fervent raising of hands and "the regulars" debating how to come up with better topics. For the first time, I literally sat silent for an entire hour and thirty minutes.This has only happened one other time in my life, and it wasn't by choice: I had lost my voice.
     Although my voice was in good working order on this evening, the lack of preparation by the group only ushered my silence and stymied my participation. As a newcomer, the expectations I brought with me set me up for a terrible fall. I had looked forward to the men's group for several days. By the end of the evening I wanted to run into the night beating my chest and shouting chants of freedom.
     Instead, I went home to where my partner was hosting his regular Thursday night game night with some of our close friends. I walked in, told each one how I loved and appreciated his friendship, and proceeded to explain my waste of an evening. I then sat at the table, falling in to easy conversation and fun.
     The evening served as a reminder sometimes what we need is just more of what we already have. I have my own Men's Discussion Group and it consists of my friends I see on a regular basis. They invest in my life and I have learned so much about who I am because of our closeness.
     Just for kicks, I asked my friends if they had any insights or advice on cruising gyms. Resoundingly, each one said, " just don't do it".
     End of discussion...