Regret #1: No adolescence- I tried to live like a straight teenager, putting off many valuable lessons and experiences I should have been experiencing as a gay teenager.
Regret #2: Ignorance of gay history- I used to condemn gay man and woman and look down my nose at them...I know so very little about gay men and woman throughout history.
Regret #3: Missing my family- If I had come out earlier, my family would be further along. As it stands, I am alone. My family has largely abandoned me.
Regret #4: Short circuiting my finanical potential- I poured myself in to school and degree afet degree so I would not have to face the reality of being gay. I could be so much further along.
Regret #5: Torpedoing relationships- I hurt so many different women I dated, not the least of which was my wife of ten years. Now I have damaged the relationships with my partner recently because of my naivete and impetuousness. I have essentially been a gay teenager trying to contribute to a mature gay relationship...my partner deserved a man, not a boy.
Regret #6: Losing my daughters- I had no identity as a healthy gay man when I first came out; just an unhealthy one. I felt I deserved anything i got for divorcing my wife. I didn't even get my own lawyer. My ignorance prevented me from obtaining legal counsel and securing more visitation with my daughters.
I have many regrets, but I don't regret coming out. Even though my life right now is very complicated and I have been in a lot of pain recently, I would do it all over again. Coming out later in life has been very difficult. I am ready for some peace in the near future...
Jason, coming to terms with your sexuality was a huge step in your development as a person. None of us can change our pasts no matter how much we wish to. Your being raised in a staunchly conservative family made being gay the same as impossible. You blame yourself for hurting people by revealing your true identity but don't let the blame continue indefinitely. We are all responsible for our actions good, bad, or indifferent. You can hold yourself accountable for who you were pretending to be then by being *you*; the real you. Also, think of how many years you hid yourself away behind a wall; then realize that repairing the damage is just as long a process to go through. However, the beneficial end is worth so much more. You are an incredible human being who was dealt a difficult hand much like many others. Be proud of who you have become but also have pride in who you tried to be for so many years, a father, a husband, and a son. You are still a father and a son and those relationships will be repaired given time and work. Your legal standing with your daughters is also one that can be improved upon, don't give up on that. Take care, you are doing the right things here. -C
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ReplyDeleteI completely agree. I too have similar regrets, though I was fortunate to come out before getting married and having kids, but I know what you mean regarding adolescence. I still don't feel like I understand dating or relationships all that well. I feel you buddy, and I feel for you. Know that we love you and care, and in the end, it will all work out, and in the end, it will all be worth it. Your peace will come.
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