Regret #1: No adolescence- I tried to live like a straight teenager, putting off many valuable lessons and experiences I should have been experiencing as a gay teenager.
Regret #2: Ignorance of gay history- I used to condemn gay man and woman and look down my nose at them...I know so very little about gay men and woman throughout history.
Regret #3: Missing my family- If I had come out earlier, my family would be further along. As it stands, I am alone. My family has largely abandoned me.
Regret #4: Short circuiting my finanical potential- I poured myself in to school and degree afet degree so I would not have to face the reality of being gay. I could be so much further along.
Regret #5: Torpedoing relationships- I hurt so many different women I dated, not the least of which was my wife of ten years. Now I have damaged the relationships with my partner recently because of my naivete and impetuousness. I have essentially been a gay teenager trying to contribute to a mature gay relationship...my partner deserved a man, not a boy.
Regret #6: Losing my daughters- I had no identity as a healthy gay man when I first came out; just an unhealthy one. I felt I deserved anything i got for divorcing my wife. I didn't even get my own lawyer. My ignorance prevented me from obtaining legal counsel and securing more visitation with my daughters.
I have many regrets, but I don't regret coming out. Even though my life right now is very complicated and I have been in a lot of pain recently, I would do it all over again. Coming out later in life has been very difficult. I am ready for some peace in the near future...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
A Case of Need: Gay Couple's Counselors
Recently, two friends of mine went through a messy break-up. These two guys had been married for several years and seemed happy. Both are good looking, gregarious and seemingly had a solid relationship.
Shortly before Christmas it all came undone. One had cheated on the other. The one who cheated felt terrible and wanted to reconcile. The one cheated on began blabbing to anyone with ears and a pulse about what his husband had done.
My response was to recommend a couple's counselor. I was confident if I conducted a search for a gay couple's counselor I would be successful. I boldly assumed I could use online resources, networking and recommendations from other people to provide my friends with the names of several therapists.
Sadly, I could not find more than two therapists who work with gay couple's issues in the San Jose area. There were plenty who hung a shingle of helping with "gay issues", but none others with a specialization in gay partnerships. Although I am sure there are more my search was paltry.
This left me disturbed. There are many gay couples in Silicon Valley, but this is not reflected in the number of therapists focusing on gay relationships.
I asked my own therapist, who has practiced in the Bay area for 18 years, why he thought this was the case. His answer was simple: research on gay marriages, relationships and dating is less than 2 decades old, and most of this research is not taught in licensing programs.
Since moving to California, I have met several gay couples who have experience a lot of trials and tribulation in their relationship: affairs, loss of job, death in the family, financial pressures, etc. I am a big believer in therapy, but I can't help but wonder if these same gay couples I have come to know tried to seek help in their struggles only to find there was no one qualified to listen and provide guidance.
A friend came over the other night to our apartment who is about to finish the last of his 3,000 clinical hours so he can become a Marriage and Family Therapist. My advice to him: advertise specializing in gay relationships, and they will beat a path to your door! I told him my failed quest, and he agreed there was a niche therapists in the area had either missed or avoided.
Gay relationships, while unique, still need the basic maintenance of straight relationships. Perhaps as this counseling void is filled with more interested professionals, the gay community will become stronger. When damaged gay relationships are repaired and propelled to a hopeful future rather than being ignored and unrecognized, a powerful precedent is established for young gay and woman as they look to their own future partnerships.
Shortly before Christmas it all came undone. One had cheated on the other. The one who cheated felt terrible and wanted to reconcile. The one cheated on began blabbing to anyone with ears and a pulse about what his husband had done.
My response was to recommend a couple's counselor. I was confident if I conducted a search for a gay couple's counselor I would be successful. I boldly assumed I could use online resources, networking and recommendations from other people to provide my friends with the names of several therapists.
Sadly, I could not find more than two therapists who work with gay couple's issues in the San Jose area. There were plenty who hung a shingle of helping with "gay issues", but none others with a specialization in gay partnerships. Although I am sure there are more my search was paltry.
This left me disturbed. There are many gay couples in Silicon Valley, but this is not reflected in the number of therapists focusing on gay relationships.
I asked my own therapist, who has practiced in the Bay area for 18 years, why he thought this was the case. His answer was simple: research on gay marriages, relationships and dating is less than 2 decades old, and most of this research is not taught in licensing programs.
Since moving to California, I have met several gay couples who have experience a lot of trials and tribulation in their relationship: affairs, loss of job, death in the family, financial pressures, etc. I am a big believer in therapy, but I can't help but wonder if these same gay couples I have come to know tried to seek help in their struggles only to find there was no one qualified to listen and provide guidance.
A friend came over the other night to our apartment who is about to finish the last of his 3,000 clinical hours so he can become a Marriage and Family Therapist. My advice to him: advertise specializing in gay relationships, and they will beat a path to your door! I told him my failed quest, and he agreed there was a niche therapists in the area had either missed or avoided.
Gay relationships, while unique, still need the basic maintenance of straight relationships. Perhaps as this counseling void is filled with more interested professionals, the gay community will become stronger. When damaged gay relationships are repaired and propelled to a hopeful future rather than being ignored and unrecognized, a powerful precedent is established for young gay and woman as they look to their own future partnerships.
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