Friday, April 22, 2011

A Man of Many Birthdays

     This past Tuesday, I turned 38 years old. I don't feel old, I don't look old, and yet I am accutely aware of the many years that have already passed. My 20 year high school reunion is this year!

     My birthday, although very low key, was special. I worked during the day, taught a class in the afternoon and then had choir rehearsal. After choir, however, my boyfriend Chris, along with our good friends Shawn, Bruce and Nate, took me out to one of our favorite restaurants for appetizers and my favorite martini. We followed it up with some TV and visiting back at the house. It was a wonderful time of laughter and fellowship.

     There are two other birth days I regularly keep in mind. The first is what I consider to be my "spiritual" birthday. I can remember the exact day I committed to being a Christian at the age of 10. I really do consider it a "re-birth" because it was at that point I tried to see people and their needs the way Christ did when he helped others.

     I now regularly keep in mind another birthday. On August 1st, 2009, I moved to California and started my new life as an openly gay man.

     The birth analogy is actually perfect. The few months leading to my moving to California to be with Chris was a time of expectation. Just like when someone announces "I'm pregnant!", many anticipated me as a new arrival: a new gay man being born into the gay community.

     There were also the pains of birth. Moving out to be with Chris was no fairy tale, and the time was frought with difficulties and many in my life trying to sabotage my efforts.

     After a time of pain, circumstances "pushed" me into my new environment. Like a new born baby, I explored my new world, seeing it for the first time.  I learned many lessons just like a baby growing into a toddler: clumsily, haphazardly, and sometimes wrecklessly.

     My partner had no idea what he was getting into! After the honeymoon period wore off, the anticipation of this "new bundle of joy", Chris and I had to face I was really a child in many ways, trying to grow up quickly to adapt to my new life. More often than not, I was less a partner to Chris and at best a burdensome gay teenager he had to nurture and sometimes babysit.

     2 years after Chris and I connected, I now feel as if I have finally hit adulthood. In many ways, the way I handled my coming out and subsequent months following was very juvenile. I texted my wife to tell her I needed a divorce (who does that?). I didn't get my own lawyer for the divorce and as a result I have limited access to my children and pay a ridiculous amount of child care. Being in a new employment environment, I ignored Chris and others when advice about restructuring my resume and cover letter was given.

     The lists could go on and on, but in hindsight, I am not upset at my poor decisions. I believe each was inevitable. For 36 years I tried to live a straight life, and was actually pretty good at it! Coming out so late in life, I should have acknowledged there would be an adjustment period; a growth period. Instead I took the bull by the horns, refused to listed to guidance and counsel for others, and made a wreck out of some aspects of my new life.

     Chris doesn't have to be a parent anymore, and I know he is grateful and relieved. I am now at a place where I am helping others in my previous situation come out with grace and success.

     I will celebrate my phyical birth each year with friends and fun. I will always stay cognizant of my spiritual  birthday, and use it to guide my life accordinly. But increasingly, everyday I am reminded of my "gay" birthday, and how, truly, I entered the world for the very first time: an infant, wide eyed, and ready to grow into the new world before me.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

The Story of the Gay Samaritan

     As it turns out, it is now cheaper for me to fly into Dallas, Texas and get a rental car for several days than it is to fly directly into Tulsa, Oklahoma to visit my daughters.
     A former student of mine contacted me 3 months ago and is in the process of coming out. Living in Dallas, he invited me to crash at his house so I could get up early and make the drive to Tulsa. We planned an evening of gay bar hopping, checking out the local scene and introducing him to members of the Dallas gay community.
     When we left his parking lot to head to our first stop it was still light outside. We noticed on the side of the road three ladies trying desperately to change a flat tire. I could tell the car was jacked-up precariously and assistance was needed. I made a u-turn, pulled up behind, and got out of the car.
     With a look of relief the ladies beckoned us over, praising God we stopped to help. Within ten minutes I had the car re-jacked, the old tire off and the new one in place. I'm sure I looked like some sort of deranged clothing ad, in my pearl buttoned plaid shirt and designer jeans but sufficiently covered in grease and grime including a slight smudge on my face. Calvin Klein eat your heart out...
     Anyway, as I put away the tools one of the ladies beckoned us over, praising Jesus and wanting to pray a blessing over us. She did, and when she was finished and I was driving away her and her friends held hands in prayer thanking God for sending my friend and I to their aid.
     My former student (always the philosopher) beat me to the thought: would those ladies still be as welcoming and gracious if they knew it was two gay men who came to their rescue?
     I would like to think so, but I am far too familiar with southern evangelical culture to know what most churches say and believe about homosexuals, and I do wonder how the interaction would have been different if my friend and I said "Oh, we don't mind helping! The gay bars dont' really get hopping until 10, anyway!"
     In hindsight, I regret not bringing it up in conversation somehow. I think if there we more situations in which gay men and women were interacting, helping, sharing, and laughing with the very people that speak against us we could provide real opportunities for a better understanding.
     And not just from the gay perspective. Many gay people I meet are apathetic and sometimes hostile towards Christianity. As a gay Christian, I catch a lot of flack in various conversations. However, just as it is crucial the evangelical community understands not all gays are having sex in the streets and trying to convert children, the gay community needs to know the Christian community does a lot of good in the world and has some wonderful, loving representatives.
     American society has an opportunity to flourish if members of the church/gay divide can remember basic humanity, help each other in need, and not let differences be the guiding force of interactions. Until that time, I'll continue to find those opportunites to live our my faith practically, help others, and hopefully be a good example for gays and God alike.