A Man of Many Birthdays

     This past Tuesday, I turned 38 years old. I don't feel old, I don't look old, and yet I am accutely aware of the many years that have already passed. My 20 year high school reunion is this year!

     My birthday, although very low key, was special. I worked during the day, taught a class in the afternoon and then had choir rehearsal. After choir, however, my boyfriend Chris, along with our good friends Shawn, Bruce and Nate, took me out to one of our favorite restaurants for appetizers and my favorite martini. We followed it up with some TV and visiting back at the house. It was a wonderful time of laughter and fellowship.

     There are two other birth days I regularly keep in mind. The first is what I consider to be my "spiritual" birthday. I can remember the exact day I committed to being a Christian at the age of 10. I really do consider it a "re-birth" because it was at that point I tried to see people and their needs the way Christ did when he helped others.

     I now regularly keep in mind another birthday. On August 1st, 2009, I moved to California and started my new life as an openly gay man.

     The birth analogy is actually perfect. The few months leading to my moving to California to be with Chris was a time of expectation. Just like when someone announces "I'm pregnant!", many anticipated me as a new arrival: a new gay man being born into the gay community.

     There were also the pains of birth. Moving out to be with Chris was no fairy tale, and the time was frought with difficulties and many in my life trying to sabotage my efforts.

     After a time of pain, circumstances "pushed" me into my new environment. Like a new born baby, I explored my new world, seeing it for the first time.  I learned many lessons just like a baby growing into a toddler: clumsily, haphazardly, and sometimes wrecklessly.

     My partner had no idea what he was getting into! After the honeymoon period wore off, the anticipation of this "new bundle of joy", Chris and I had to face I was really a child in many ways, trying to grow up quickly to adapt to my new life. More often than not, I was less a partner to Chris and at best a burdensome gay teenager he had to nurture and sometimes babysit.

     2 years after Chris and I connected, I now feel as if I have finally hit adulthood. In many ways, the way I handled my coming out and subsequent months following was very juvenile. I texted my wife to tell her I needed a divorce (who does that?). I didn't get my own lawyer for the divorce and as a result I have limited access to my children and pay a ridiculous amount of child care. Being in a new employment environment, I ignored Chris and others when advice about restructuring my resume and cover letter was given.

     The lists could go on and on, but in hindsight, I am not upset at my poor decisions. I believe each was inevitable. For 36 years I tried to live a straight life, and was actually pretty good at it! Coming out so late in life, I should have acknowledged there would be an adjustment period; a growth period. Instead I took the bull by the horns, refused to listed to guidance and counsel for others, and made a wreck out of some aspects of my new life.

     Chris doesn't have to be a parent anymore, and I know he is grateful and relieved. I am now at a place where I am helping others in my previous situation come out with grace and success.

     I will celebrate my phyical birth each year with friends and fun. I will always stay cognizant of my spiritual  birthday, and use it to guide my life accordinly. But increasingly, everyday I am reminded of my "gay" birthday, and how, truly, I entered the world for the very first time: an infant, wide eyed, and ready to grow into the new world before me.