Gay Men Don't Need Martyrs as Parents

     When I came out as a gay man, my parents kicked Christ off the cross and hung themselves in His place. In response to accepting a life as an open gay man, my parents determined the only appropriate response was to turn away from their hell-bound soon and martyr themselves for their faith. As "good Christians", any acceptance of their oldest soon and his "choices" and "lifestyle" would be a violation of their religion. In turn, a cycle of self-persecution began.
     I know there is a pile of ashes and sackcloth somewhere on my parents' property. There has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth, and my mom and dad are competing for Martyr of the Year.
     Until today, dad had the lead. He has not talked to me once since I left Arkansas in 2009, and yet I hear from select family members he is deeply saddened and misses his boy. However, he has hung on his self-made cross for over 18 months. I haven't received a phone call, birthday wish or holiday greeting.
     After this afternoon, Mom now safely leads the pack of those who turned away from me. I have tried, quite unsuccessfully, to keep a relationship with my mom. I love her deeply, and we understand each other on a level she would never be comfortable admitting. She has vacillated from the silent treatment to giving me a theological treatise on why I will be sitting on Satan's lap someday.
     Today I called her out of the blue. Driving down the interstate I remembered how she made me the most amazing robot costume in 3rd grade. She worked so hard on it, and I was so proud to show off to my friends at school. In my state of nostalgia I reached out to the woman who gave me life. I got her voicemail, but a few minutes later my phone rang and the caller I.D. confirmed it was her.
     I said "hello" probably a bit too lovingly and enthusiastically for someone steeped in the victim mentality. I received a rather cold and non-emotional "hello". I reminded her she had the freedom to call me at any time. She asked, quite slowly and pointedly, "What do we have to talk about?"
     So, I just jumped right in. I told her about my work, and the public speaking classes I was teaching, and my upcoming legal proceedings with my ex-wife. My mom took advantage of the last topic to remind me what a "mess" I had made of my life, that I ran away like a "coward" like I always did and that I had caused irreparable damage to my children.
     I endured her venom until she pole vaulted over my dad's position on the cross and empaled herself firmly on top with gusto, declaring, "I know the end times are near! If it wasn't for our grandkids, your dad and I wouldn't have a reason to live."
     I had enough. Her self-pitying diatribe was more than I could take. I reminded her that not only had my younger brother, Shawn, cut himself off from my parents years ago, but that they had managed to estranged their oldest son because of their selfish interpretation of faith and Scripture. To shut me up, she knew where to strike, and randomly threw in, "...and don't talk about him (my partner, Chris) being the love of your life. I don't want to hear it." And in that last sentence the martyr had the last word. She said she needed to go and grocery shop then hung up the phone.
     I came out as a gay man at 36 years; the most difficult decision I have made in my life. I gave up so much to be true to who I was meant to be, but have also gained in areas I never thought possible. However, my mom and dad have made my coming out about what they have experienced...what they have suffered...what they have endured as a result.
     I understand that many parents have a difficult time accepting a child who comes out as gay, and I have empathy for any struggles parents may have. However, as a father myself, I know it is ultimately self-serving motivations that would cause any parent to reject a child. I love my 3 daughters and I can say with no hesitation they could become crack whores in Amsterdam and nothing...nothing would ever cause me to want to break relationship.
     If parents of gay children can remove themselves from self-pity long enough to realize the lifetime of turmoil their child has journeyed we would end up with much healthier gay men and women. At almost 38 years old I still find myself fretting secretly what my parents believe and grieving my loss of relationship.
     If my parents would decide to climb down from the cross and fulfill their role of providing unconditional love to me, their oldest son, I would celebrate and have one of my heaviest burdens lifted. Unfortunately, this will probably never happen, and my parents will kill any relationship with me because of a crucifixion of their own design.

The Importance of Family to Gay Health

     This past week, a cousin of my partner passed away from cancer. Starting Saturday, we entered a busy time of picking up family from the airport, traveling to the funeral location, and wrapped up today as we transported my partner's mom back to the airport.
     As I reflect on the weekend, I am thankful for his family, for they have become my family as well. Since coming out in August of 2009, my father and two brothers have stopped talking to me. The relationship with my mom has been conflictual at best. She reminds me regularly her and my dad believe I am going to hell. She also breaks down in tears for "what I did to them".
     I used to be the "golden child" in my family: the most educated, the most successful, the pride of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. Now in my family, I am the name that is not spoken, the person who doesn't receive birthday cards or holiday wishes, and the official "black sheep" whispered about at family gatherings.
     My partner's family has now become my family, and as my relationship with his family has grown so has my general mental health. It is a difficult thing to be cut off from one's biological family. I didn't fully realize until recently how damaging the rift between me and my family has been to my emotional well being.
     In order to move forward, I have had to allow myself to grieve the loss of my family. I have been able to accomplish this by embracing my "new" family. In this family, my relationship with my partner is respected; even by those who don't agree religiously or morally with homosexuality.
     I know I am blessed, for many in my position would not be as fortunate in inheriting a surrogate family. This reality has caused me to consider how lonely it must be for many LGBT without the support of those who were trusted to be a safe haven growing up.
     To my new family: I love you, I cherish you and I am proud to call you my own.