As many of my readers know, my relationship with my partner ended in the spring. For the record, most of the failure of the relationship was my doing and attributable to my baggage.
My mother recently gloated in the fact that she was "right": that because my relationship was a gay relationship it was doomed to failure.
The irony is that what damaged my relationship were the same three key areas noted for the failure of heterosexual relationships: financial, family and sexual issues.
First financial: I don't mind everyone knowing. When I divorced in 1999, in an attempt to get me to stay in the marriage my ex-wife demanded $2100 a month in child support. Because I felt guilty, I didn't get my own lawyer. You can do the math: the only job offer I received for the Northwest Arkansas Area paid a gross of $37,000 a year. I opted to move out to California because my partner offered to pay my living expense so I could afford to pay child support. In hindsight, my ex claims she would have charged me less if I would have stayed in the area, but you can be the judge of the motivation behind such a statement.
This, of course, started my new relationship off to a bad start. My financial baggage became a huge stressor in our relationship, and is one of the biggest obstacles we had to long term success.
Family issues also took a toll. My partner's family was great: accepted me, our relationship and provided a loving and supportive atmosphere. My family has not been so gracious. Although things are looking up (my dad called me for the first time last week since I moved) the time with my partner was riddled with heated phone calls and physical threats against my partner from my family. He wasn't used to such hatred and angst, and it messed with his comfortability with me as his partner.
Sexual issues were the third obstacle. Not in the perfunctory way, but all the baggage that came with me living a double life for 36 years and coming out late. There was an amazing learning curve, both as an individual and a new member of the gay community. I spent so much time NOT dealing with my struggle to gain a new identity I didn't realize all of the tension I was causing in my relationship through poor decisions. My partner has been out since 19 and in many ways he had taken on an adolescent as a partner.
I am now dating someone new and our relationship shows a lot of promise. Financially, my child support is being changed and I just secured a professorship at a local college with higher pay. Family wise, I am reestablishing a relationship with my dad and no longer need my parents approval (but still desire to have it!). And sexually, I am a confident, secure out gay man and know who I am and where I am headed.
So, no, my relationship did not fail because it was gay. My relationship failed because I allowed circumstances and situations to creep in and negatively affect the bond I had with my partner.
If I can be the partner I know I can be, and take ownership of those negative traits that can damage any relationship, then perhaps when I marry a man someday my mother will think twice about her assumptions.
