When I was parading as a "straight" guy in the South, I noticed a disturbing trend. When my students would enter into serious relationships, many of their single friends would stop reaching out to continue investing in the relationship.
I have discovered, the hard way, that the same is true for gay relationships. When I moved to San Jose, I developed what I considered a close group of friends. When I broke up with my partner, who was a mutual friend with all of the same people, all did a good job of navigating his needs as well as mine. It felt really great to have friends during that difficult time.
When I met my partner Jason and we started dating seriously, most of those same people started fading away. Until recently, I worked hard to invite those dear friends to different events and try to keep the friendships healthy. For a while there was an attempt at an effort to reach out to me and include me, but it soon abated.
I don't get called by most of them any longer. I don't get asked to go and do things. I am far from being someone who is enmeshed with his partner. I can spend time with just my friends.
However, I think the fact I am in a serious relationship and have a partner puts me at odds with most of my former group. My ex-partner's inability to be civil to me over a year later aside, I also believe the fact I am in a relationship somehow puts up a barrier to some members of the group being able to relate.
It has always been odd to me. When I've been single I have not had a problem navigating friendships with friends in relationships. I still see them as having an invidual identity, and although some have gotten lost in their romantic relationships I have always made it a point to not treat someone who is coupled differently.
And now that I am in a relationship, I don't see my single friends differently. I miss them. I miss the fellowship and the comradery. However, after a time, I can only try so much with no "quid pro quo" before I stop trying.
That time is now, and I am grieving what was. Facebook is cruel in regards to these type of situations. It allows me to see my friends move on in their lives without me, and it sucks. Pictures and posts of the places they go without me rub salt in the wound.
The past several months I have tried making new friendships, but a lot of single guys have an aversion. Jason and I have some great couple friends, but so far none of them seem to really operate independently without their partner.
Jason and I love spending time with one another, and prefer to do so. But there are times in both our lives where different interests or schedules invite the possibility of spending quality time with friends. This morning, for example, one of Jason's friends was in San Jose from San Francisco, and they went and had coffee. When I was visiting my girls last month, Jason's best friend from Salinas came to San Jose and they went out for a night on the town.
The last time someone has called me, just to spend time with me, was before I started dating Jason almost a year ago.
I miss my friends.
