For years, I have taught students in my Interpersonal Communication class cliques are not just a high school thing. Adults often form cliques as well, and they can be as petty and frustrating as any from teenage days of yore.
Don't get me wrong: having a core group of friends is healthy and can be a great support. However, when this identity prevents the formation of new friendships and the group self-protects from new members, these are often red flags.
Three years into the gay community, and I can say, at least for the San Francisco/San Jose area, gay cliques are a research area begging for a Jane Goodall type of field study. I am not an anthropologist, but here are my field notes thus far:
Gay Christians: With a cohesion and a near cult impenetrability, I have been privy to three different groups of guys, each group from its own church, over the past three years. I identify as a Christian, and I attempted to get to know guys in two of these groups and find a church home. I was never invited to a lunch, or coffee, or dinner. With one such group, I inadvertently was on the receiving end of the clique mentality and judging certain decisions I had made. It became clear I wasn't "Christian enough" for this particular group.
The "we have more money than we know what to do with and you don't" group: Members of this type of gay clique in the Bay area are really frustrating. At first, they welcome you in and invite you out to really expensive dinners, outings, even over to their homes for gatherings. However, the interest in you wanes after you have to start saying "no" to last minute trips to Tahoe, regularly declining $100 evenings out and have to establish budget boundaries. I found several guys I connected with, but very quickly the phone calls, texting and email invites stopped.
The "we are couples who like to play together" group: This one was a surprise for me. I have met an entire group of couples that have open relationships. Defined: they have sex with other people outside of their relationship. There was immediate interest, particularly in Jason and I as a couple. However, when we were asked or it came out we are monogamous, suddenly we weren't invited to parties or gatherings any longer.
There are more, and each equally fascinating. Music aficionados, techno geeks, Disney worshipers A-list bears, etc. I know I am not alone in my observations because other gay men in the Bay area have expressed as much.
I find it odd that anyone in the gay community, a community which historically prided itself in acceptance and diversity, would work so hard to form exclusive sub-groups.
Thoughts?
