It has been almost two months since my last post. Life has been busy, and part of that recent busyness was a visit from my gay cousin, Matt.
Technically my second cousin, Matt's mom is my mom's cousin. We grew up sharing many birthday and holiday celebration together. Four years my junior, we even were in the same high school at the same time for a year.
Although we spent a lot of time together at family functions, Matt and I never became really close. I think we both saw in the other the truth about our sexuality, and this put up a barrier between us getting closer. We both knew being gay was something our family would not accept easily.
I tried to come out at age 19, and it went very poorly with my family. I then determined to marry and have a family, because that is what I was "supposed" to do. Matt felt this same pressure, and was engaged to be married.
Two months before the wedding, he called it off. Wisely, he determined it would be a mistake and made the difficult decision to be true to himself, honest with others and strive for a life of integrity.
Now both of us are older, and closer than we ever were before. I had such a great time spending time with Matt. He met my partner and stayed with us for an evening. We took him out for his birthday to the Castro area of San Francisco and not only had some great laughs, but also some great talks.
His parents, although they have some differences with his decision, are supportive and loving. My parents once again cut off all communication last September. My hope is that his parents' example will influence my parents, and they will see the importance of maintaining a relationship with their oldest son.
Until then, I am overjoyed to have a family member that understands me and that I can share my life with...I love you, Matt!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Thursday, December 8, 2011
LGBT: Letters That Should Remain Together?
I recently gave a talk at my college entitled, "The Importance of Coming Out Early: Lessons from a Hartnell Instructor." There were about 200 students and faculty in attendance, and it was largely well-received.
Immediately after the talk, and also via email, I was contacted by members representing the L, B and T in "LGBT".
The lesbians felt I should have talked more about the challenges of lesbians.
The bisexuals felt I should have talked more about the challenges of bisexuals.
The transgendered felt I should have talked more about the challenges of being transgendered.
At first, I felt bad. I didn't do a good job of representing the LGBT community in a public forum. I listened very attentively to the concerns presented to me and initially felt sympathy.
However, in hindsight, I am now reconsidering those negative feelings. I am a gay man. I am not a lesbian. I am not bisexual. I am not transgendered.
My experience, and therefore my most valuable knowledge to pass to others, is that from the gay experience. It has led me to what could be a controversial claim:
It is time for the individual letters of LGBT to stand on their own.
The needs and concerns of the gay community are uniquely gay. The needs and concerns of lesbiana are uniquely lesbian. Bisexuals are bisexuals and transgendered are transgendered.
I completely understand the history of these four coming together. In many ways, these four were like the Island of Misfit Toys. The only way the four individually had a voice and influence was to join together.
However, that time has come and gone. With laws and society changing, LGBT does not need to stay huddled together as if the four have a lot in common.
Quite frankly, we don't any longer. This shift is very subtle but obvious. Many LGBT activists, writers and researchers have been referencing a "plateau" as of late...that the once dynamic momentum of the LGBT community may be cooling.
I would suggest the reason for this is that it has become convoluted to try and discuss and persuade from a combined LGBT perspective. As a gay man in the gay community, I want to start working towards efforts to promote gay concerns without the extra burden of lesbian, bisexual and transgendered considerations.
Furthermore, whereas as gays and lesbians have be successful in promoting societal awareness and acceptance of their labels, bisexuals and transgendered have not had similar success. I believe this is largely because bisexuals and transgendered have been lumped with and therefore upstaged by gay and lesbian promotion.
It is time for each letter of LGBT to stand on its own, claiming its own identity, and remembering fondly the initial collaboration which brought us out of the shadows. The way forward is for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgendered to walk their own path in the sun.
Immediately after the talk, and also via email, I was contacted by members representing the L, B and T in "LGBT".
The lesbians felt I should have talked more about the challenges of lesbians.
The bisexuals felt I should have talked more about the challenges of bisexuals.
The transgendered felt I should have talked more about the challenges of being transgendered.
At first, I felt bad. I didn't do a good job of representing the LGBT community in a public forum. I listened very attentively to the concerns presented to me and initially felt sympathy.
However, in hindsight, I am now reconsidering those negative feelings. I am a gay man. I am not a lesbian. I am not bisexual. I am not transgendered.
My experience, and therefore my most valuable knowledge to pass to others, is that from the gay experience. It has led me to what could be a controversial claim:
It is time for the individual letters of LGBT to stand on their own.
The needs and concerns of the gay community are uniquely gay. The needs and concerns of lesbiana are uniquely lesbian. Bisexuals are bisexuals and transgendered are transgendered.
I completely understand the history of these four coming together. In many ways, these four were like the Island of Misfit Toys. The only way the four individually had a voice and influence was to join together.
However, that time has come and gone. With laws and society changing, LGBT does not need to stay huddled together as if the four have a lot in common.
Quite frankly, we don't any longer. This shift is very subtle but obvious. Many LGBT activists, writers and researchers have been referencing a "plateau" as of late...that the once dynamic momentum of the LGBT community may be cooling.
I would suggest the reason for this is that it has become convoluted to try and discuss and persuade from a combined LGBT perspective. As a gay man in the gay community, I want to start working towards efforts to promote gay concerns without the extra burden of lesbian, bisexual and transgendered considerations.
Furthermore, whereas as gays and lesbians have be successful in promoting societal awareness and acceptance of their labels, bisexuals and transgendered have not had similar success. I believe this is largely because bisexuals and transgendered have been lumped with and therefore upstaged by gay and lesbian promotion.
It is time for each letter of LGBT to stand on its own, claiming its own identity, and remembering fondly the initial collaboration which brought us out of the shadows. The way forward is for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgendered to walk their own path in the sun.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sight Beyond Sight! What Thundercats Has Taught Me About Life
Growing up, one of my favorite cartoons was "Thundercats". A race of cat-like humanoids is all but eradicated by the evil Mumm-ra and the surviving members are lead by Lion-o. He carries and wields in times of trouble the Sword of Omens. When he needs to see a situation more clearly and gain greater insight, he holds the sword aloft and declares, "Sword of Omens: Give me sight beyond sight!"
What this cartoon taught me at a really young age is sometimes we don't see life clearly. This has helped temper some depression I have had of late in terms of how family and former friends see me. When I came out, some of my family and friends acknowledged immediately I made a very difficult choice punctuated by some positive and negative decisions, but ultimately chose a path truer and healthier than I had previously. Some of my family and friends were upset and confused by my decision at first, but as they have talked to me and monitored my "new life" they, too, have come to understand why I did what I did. And others, no matter how hard I try and no matter the dialogue I try to encourage only see me as a failure, a sinner, a deviant and a bad father.
If my own situation has taught me anything it is to truly not judge someone else's choices and circumstances. At almost 40, I am just realizing how truly critical I have been regarding others' lives. I have spent almost 30 years as a professing Christian, and yet, I really have done a poor job of seeing others the way I think Jesus would.
My hero, Leonardo da Vinci, summed it up best:
"There are three classes of people. Those who see. Those who see when they are shown. Those who do not see."
I don't have a Sword of Omens, but I do hope I can be someone who sees clearly, especially when it comes to my assessment of others.
What this cartoon taught me at a really young age is sometimes we don't see life clearly. This has helped temper some depression I have had of late in terms of how family and former friends see me. When I came out, some of my family and friends acknowledged immediately I made a very difficult choice punctuated by some positive and negative decisions, but ultimately chose a path truer and healthier than I had previously. Some of my family and friends were upset and confused by my decision at first, but as they have talked to me and monitored my "new life" they, too, have come to understand why I did what I did. And others, no matter how hard I try and no matter the dialogue I try to encourage only see me as a failure, a sinner, a deviant and a bad father.
If my own situation has taught me anything it is to truly not judge someone else's choices and circumstances. At almost 40, I am just realizing how truly critical I have been regarding others' lives. I have spent almost 30 years as a professing Christian, and yet, I really have done a poor job of seeing others the way I think Jesus would.
My hero, Leonardo da Vinci, summed it up best:
"There are three classes of people. Those who see. Those who see when they are shown. Those who do not see."
I don't have a Sword of Omens, but I do hope I can be someone who sees clearly, especially when it comes to my assessment of others.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
The End of an Era: Don't Ask, Don't Tell is Over
When "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was first initiated, I remember thinking, "wow, that's progress. As long as gay men and women don't reveal their sexuality, they can serve their country."
Over time, I realized how wrong I was in my assumption. Over the years, countless men and women, who served honorably and in important roles, were dismissed from the military EVEN when they didn't tell. If someone else outed a squad mate, or if an officer even heard a whisper of same sex behavior, it ended up being grounds for dismissal.
I want to dedicate this post to my partner, Jason. Jason entered the military and was studying at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California. It was the early 2000s, and he was studying to be an Arabic translator; a very important role in our military, particularly the past decade.
Like everything else in his life, Jason was very dedicated. Any dating he did was private and on his own time. However, suspicions of his peers and the proverbial he said/she said led Jason to a very important decision. He did not want to somehow be outed, only to be dismissed. He wanted his interaction with the military to be on his terms.
Jason drafted a two page letter to his commander/sergeant/whatever they call him, first outlining all of his accomplishments in the military to date. He followed this with an admission that he was a gay man, and given the climate of Don't Ask, Don't Tell he would rather be honest and up front with the military than hide in the shadows.
As a result, Jason ended up with an Honorable Discharge. His life has since taken a very different track and he is successful in his current career.
But on this day, the day that Don't Ask, Don't Tell if officially repealed, I can't help but ask "what if?" Had my partner been allowed to finish his training and continue serving in the military, what good could he have accomplished? He's brilliant, and bold, but because he is gay he was deemed unworthy to serve a very important role for our nation.
To all of the men and women that have had their military service cut short because of Don't Ask, Don't Tell: thank you for when you were able to serve, and know our country would be better off if each and every one of you had been able to continue service.
Over time, I realized how wrong I was in my assumption. Over the years, countless men and women, who served honorably and in important roles, were dismissed from the military EVEN when they didn't tell. If someone else outed a squad mate, or if an officer even heard a whisper of same sex behavior, it ended up being grounds for dismissal.
I want to dedicate this post to my partner, Jason. Jason entered the military and was studying at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California. It was the early 2000s, and he was studying to be an Arabic translator; a very important role in our military, particularly the past decade.
Like everything else in his life, Jason was very dedicated. Any dating he did was private and on his own time. However, suspicions of his peers and the proverbial he said/she said led Jason to a very important decision. He did not want to somehow be outed, only to be dismissed. He wanted his interaction with the military to be on his terms.
Jason drafted a two page letter to his commander/sergeant/whatever they call him, first outlining all of his accomplishments in the military to date. He followed this with an admission that he was a gay man, and given the climate of Don't Ask, Don't Tell he would rather be honest and up front with the military than hide in the shadows.
As a result, Jason ended up with an Honorable Discharge. His life has since taken a very different track and he is successful in his current career.
But on this day, the day that Don't Ask, Don't Tell if officially repealed, I can't help but ask "what if?" Had my partner been allowed to finish his training and continue serving in the military, what good could he have accomplished? He's brilliant, and bold, but because he is gay he was deemed unworthy to serve a very important role for our nation.
To all of the men and women that have had their military service cut short because of Don't Ask, Don't Tell: thank you for when you were able to serve, and know our country would be better off if each and every one of you had been able to continue service.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Happy Anniversary: Two Years of Reflection
Today is exactly two years since I moved from Arkansas to California to begin a new life as an out gay man. I am celebrating by sitting in the McDonald's of the small town I lived with my ex-wife and kids. I just came from a wonderful visit with one of my former colleagues.
Before I left, I had helped design the new Performing Arts Center at the university I was a professor. Because it is an evangelical university, upon coming out as gay and announcing I was divorcing my wife I had to give up my professorship. One of my regrets is that I never got to see the completed Performing Arts Center.
My former colleague offered to give me a tour. I wept when I went inside. My thumbprint was obvious. The original layout had been my design the architects used to draw the final plans. On the wall by the entrance is the permanent commemoration plaque...and my name is present.
This means so much to me. I was worreid that being the gay professor that shamed the university would mean I would not be recognized for the hours and hours I spent designing and planning the building.
I will also be seeing my parents for the first time in 2 years at their home this evening. I invited myself. I don't know how things will go, but I miss my family. My dad had not even talked to me since I left until 3 weeks ago, and my brother Bryan will be present even though he hasn't talked to me at all since I left.
Exactly 2 years ago to date, I followed through with the hardest decision of my life. I didn't want to leave my daughters, but circumstances dictated otherwise. Two years ago, my oldest daughter tried hiding my luggage so I couldn't leave. My middle daughter sulked in a corner. My youngest reached out to me when I walked out the door.
I took a stuffed animal from each of them to keep near me. For two years, I have kept those animals beside my bed or curled in my arms when I sleep. For the past two years, I have only been allowed to see my kids for one weekend a month max, and it has been even less because I can't afford regular airfare with the child support I was gouged with upon moving.
Two years later, the child support is being legally changed and I will be fighting for my wonderful girls to be able to see me for extended periods of time, including visiting me in California.
So, happy anniversary to me: I took the road less travelled, and I know it will make all the difference.
Before I left, I had helped design the new Performing Arts Center at the university I was a professor. Because it is an evangelical university, upon coming out as gay and announcing I was divorcing my wife I had to give up my professorship. One of my regrets is that I never got to see the completed Performing Arts Center.
My former colleague offered to give me a tour. I wept when I went inside. My thumbprint was obvious. The original layout had been my design the architects used to draw the final plans. On the wall by the entrance is the permanent commemoration plaque...and my name is present.
This means so much to me. I was worreid that being the gay professor that shamed the university would mean I would not be recognized for the hours and hours I spent designing and planning the building.
I will also be seeing my parents for the first time in 2 years at their home this evening. I invited myself. I don't know how things will go, but I miss my family. My dad had not even talked to me since I left until 3 weeks ago, and my brother Bryan will be present even though he hasn't talked to me at all since I left.
Exactly 2 years ago to date, I followed through with the hardest decision of my life. I didn't want to leave my daughters, but circumstances dictated otherwise. Two years ago, my oldest daughter tried hiding my luggage so I couldn't leave. My middle daughter sulked in a corner. My youngest reached out to me when I walked out the door.
I took a stuffed animal from each of them to keep near me. For two years, I have kept those animals beside my bed or curled in my arms when I sleep. For the past two years, I have only been allowed to see my kids for one weekend a month max, and it has been even less because I can't afford regular airfare with the child support I was gouged with upon moving.
Two years later, the child support is being legally changed and I will be fighting for my wonderful girls to be able to see me for extended periods of time, including visiting me in California.
So, happy anniversary to me: I took the road less travelled, and I know it will make all the difference.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Relationships: Some Universal Advice
As many of my readers know, my relationship with my partner ended in the spring. For the record, most of the failure of the relationship was my doing and attributable to my baggage.
My mother recently gloated in the fact that she was "right": that because my relationship was a gay relationship it was doomed to failure.
The irony is that what damaged my relationship were the same three key areas noted for the failure of heterosexual relationships: financial, family and sexual issues.
First financial: I don't mind everyone knowing. When I divorced in 1999, in an attempt to get me to stay in the marriage my ex-wife demanded $2100 a month in child support. Because I felt guilty, I didn't get my own lawyer. You can do the math: the only job offer I received for the Northwest Arkansas Area paid a gross of $37,000 a year. I opted to move out to California because my partner offered to pay my living expense so I could afford to pay child support. In hindsight, my ex claims she would have charged me less if I would have stayed in the area, but you can be the judge of the motivation behind such a statement.
This, of course, started my new relationship off to a bad start. My financial baggage became a huge stressor in our relationship, and is one of the biggest obstacles we had to long term success.
Family issues also took a toll. My partner's family was great: accepted me, our relationship and provided a loving and supportive atmosphere. My family has not been so gracious. Although things are looking up (my dad called me for the first time last week since I moved) the time with my partner was riddled with heated phone calls and physical threats against my partner from my family. He wasn't used to such hatred and angst, and it messed with his comfortability with me as his partner.
Sexual issues were the third obstacle. Not in the perfunctory way, but all the baggage that came with me living a double life for 36 years and coming out late. There was an amazing learning curve, both as an individual and a new member of the gay community. I spent so much time NOT dealing with my struggle to gain a new identity I didn't realize all of the tension I was causing in my relationship through poor decisions. My partner has been out since 19 and in many ways he had taken on an adolescent as a partner.
I am now dating someone new and our relationship shows a lot of promise. Financially, my child support is being changed and I just secured a professorship at a local college with higher pay. Family wise, I am reestablishing a relationship with my dad and no longer need my parents approval (but still desire to have it!). And sexually, I am a confident, secure out gay man and know who I am and where I am headed.
So, no, my relationship did not fail because it was gay. My relationship failed because I allowed circumstances and situations to creep in and negatively affect the bond I had with my partner.
If I can be the partner I know I can be, and take ownership of those negative traits that can damage any relationship, then perhaps when I marry a man someday my mother will think twice about her assumptions.
My mother recently gloated in the fact that she was "right": that because my relationship was a gay relationship it was doomed to failure.
The irony is that what damaged my relationship were the same three key areas noted for the failure of heterosexual relationships: financial, family and sexual issues.
First financial: I don't mind everyone knowing. When I divorced in 1999, in an attempt to get me to stay in the marriage my ex-wife demanded $2100 a month in child support. Because I felt guilty, I didn't get my own lawyer. You can do the math: the only job offer I received for the Northwest Arkansas Area paid a gross of $37,000 a year. I opted to move out to California because my partner offered to pay my living expense so I could afford to pay child support. In hindsight, my ex claims she would have charged me less if I would have stayed in the area, but you can be the judge of the motivation behind such a statement.
This, of course, started my new relationship off to a bad start. My financial baggage became a huge stressor in our relationship, and is one of the biggest obstacles we had to long term success.
Family issues also took a toll. My partner's family was great: accepted me, our relationship and provided a loving and supportive atmosphere. My family has not been so gracious. Although things are looking up (my dad called me for the first time last week since I moved) the time with my partner was riddled with heated phone calls and physical threats against my partner from my family. He wasn't used to such hatred and angst, and it messed with his comfortability with me as his partner.
Sexual issues were the third obstacle. Not in the perfunctory way, but all the baggage that came with me living a double life for 36 years and coming out late. There was an amazing learning curve, both as an individual and a new member of the gay community. I spent so much time NOT dealing with my struggle to gain a new identity I didn't realize all of the tension I was causing in my relationship through poor decisions. My partner has been out since 19 and in many ways he had taken on an adolescent as a partner.
I am now dating someone new and our relationship shows a lot of promise. Financially, my child support is being changed and I just secured a professorship at a local college with higher pay. Family wise, I am reestablishing a relationship with my dad and no longer need my parents approval (but still desire to have it!). And sexually, I am a confident, secure out gay man and know who I am and where I am headed.
So, no, my relationship did not fail because it was gay. My relationship failed because I allowed circumstances and situations to creep in and negatively affect the bond I had with my partner.
If I can be the partner I know I can be, and take ownership of those negative traits that can damage any relationship, then perhaps when I marry a man someday my mother will think twice about her assumptions.
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Friendship Purge: A Lesson I Learned from Facebook
I just finished unfriending some contacts on my Facebook page. Every so often I have seen friends of mine post about their friendship "purge" and unfriending individuals for different reasons.
When I have seen such posts, my knee-jerk reaction has been "how mean!" But now that I have been out of the closet for almost two years, I realize that this Facebook practice actually has applicability in every day life.
There are individuals who were good friends of mine when I was a noted professor at an evangelical Christian university, a pious and stalwart leader in my church and an upstanding husband and father.
Some of these "friends" had the decency to rescind their friendship right when I came out. That's fine: they didn't like it or agree and didn't feel they could support me.
However, several of these friends offered to keep our friendship, even though they didn't agree with me coming out as a gay man. I thought these friends to be real troopers, loving me even though they didn't agree with me.
With a couple of exceptions. most of these have stopped contacting me, stopped returning my phone calls and have disappeared from my life. I had been grieving this until this morning, when I was reminded of the Facebook purge.
Just like with Facebook, sometimes, we need to clean up our home page. There are friends we have for life and others that are transitory that we have for a limited time. Mentally, I allowed myself this morning to purge those former friends who no longer consider me worth the effort of maintaining a relationship.
I find it is very seldom in life we ever have our interpersonal relationships put to the test. These men and women had declared themselves my friend at one point: what did they mean? For me, if I declare someone a friend I love them through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Since my life is now "ugly" to some of my former friends, I have been rejected and ignored. However, I don't have to be depressed. I simply "unfriend" those who do not love me as a friend should, and over time, add new friends to my life's contact list.
Thanks, Facebook. I needed the reminder.
When I have seen such posts, my knee-jerk reaction has been "how mean!" But now that I have been out of the closet for almost two years, I realize that this Facebook practice actually has applicability in every day life.
There are individuals who were good friends of mine when I was a noted professor at an evangelical Christian university, a pious and stalwart leader in my church and an upstanding husband and father.
Some of these "friends" had the decency to rescind their friendship right when I came out. That's fine: they didn't like it or agree and didn't feel they could support me.
However, several of these friends offered to keep our friendship, even though they didn't agree with me coming out as a gay man. I thought these friends to be real troopers, loving me even though they didn't agree with me.
With a couple of exceptions. most of these have stopped contacting me, stopped returning my phone calls and have disappeared from my life. I had been grieving this until this morning, when I was reminded of the Facebook purge.
Just like with Facebook, sometimes, we need to clean up our home page. There are friends we have for life and others that are transitory that we have for a limited time. Mentally, I allowed myself this morning to purge those former friends who no longer consider me worth the effort of maintaining a relationship.
I find it is very seldom in life we ever have our interpersonal relationships put to the test. These men and women had declared themselves my friend at one point: what did they mean? For me, if I declare someone a friend I love them through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Since my life is now "ugly" to some of my former friends, I have been rejected and ignored. However, I don't have to be depressed. I simply "unfriend" those who do not love me as a friend should, and over time, add new friends to my life's contact list.
Thanks, Facebook. I needed the reminder.
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