The Gay Man as Villain: Modern Day Mythology

     As a former straight-for-Jesus-closeted-gay-man-on-the-down-low, I became very comforable with villainizing openly gay men. It was part of my upbringing. My father was fond of saying all "fags" should be "shipped off to an island where they can kill each other off". I grew up viewing gay men not as human, but something a little lower on the evolutionary hierarchy.
     When I realized as a young man I was gay, this villain motif led me down a path of self-loathing. I felt I had to hate who I was because I had been told about the "evil gay men":
     Villains! Gay men led to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.
     Villains! Gay men led to the fall of every major civilization no longer in existence.
     Villains! Gay men are to blame for AIDS.
     Villains! Gay men are out to recruit children.
     I grew up believing gay men were a modern incarnation of the Boogey Man, the monster under the bed, the vampire/werewolf/mummy/Frankenstein abominations of our modern world. The myths mentioned above are largely perpetuated by members of the Christian faith who use a shaky interpretation of Scripture and gross misunderstanding of history to demonize an entire group of people in society.
     Some Christian theologians may never accept gay people on moral grounds. However, for a religion so proud of seeking truth it so often peddles fear and misunderstanding about gay individuals from the pulpit, in writings and readings and in everyday interactions.
     The truth about the gay community is the same as the straight community: you have conservatives and you have liberals. You have prudes and you have sluts. You have good parents and bad parents.
     Many Christians who are so quick to dismiss the possibility of gay men having a place in matters of church and faith scoff at former myths justified by verses in the Bible: an earth-centered universe, aflat earth and left-handed people being evil are some of my favorites. Just as passionately as Christians in the past believed these to be "facts" and now history laughs, so too, someday, will the children and grandchildren of today's pious look back and shake their collective head at the ignorance of the well-intended but misguided myths of today's faith community.

What is Integrity? Coming Out Versus Staying in the Closet

     When I finally came out of the closet in 2009, I received a lot of criticism. I can accept the understandable concerns of having affairs on my ex-wife, my situation resulting in limited access to my children and damaging the reputation of the university I loved serving as a professor.
     What I refuse to accept are individuals in my life accusing me of not having integrity in my current actions and choices. One of my former lovers and closest friends, married with children, was outed when my situation came to light. He had his chance to finally come out of the closet, but chose instead to "be the Christian man he should be", work on his marriage and forsake the "lifestyle" I was embracing. He wanted to be a man of "integrity". However, just this last month,  a friend confirmed this Christian man of "integrity" was once again cruising Craigslist to find gay sex.
     Another closeted gay friend I had become close to before my divorce had been planning his own coming out. He was considering looking for jobs in California or other large markets, securing employment then coming out to his family. This was his plan until the day I moved from Arkansas. Within a month he stopped returning my phone calls. Within two months he was not responding to Facebook chats. I finally reached him via phone. He informed me he was going to do the "Christian" thing, had started dating a young woman and he was thinking of asking her to marry him. He wanted to live a life of "integrity". As it turns out, she wised up after finding out he was gay, dumped him, and now he is back to living a closeted life, having gay sex on the side while parading as a straight man.
     The definition of integrity is "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty". These two men have fooled themselves, their families and their churches into believing they are living supposed lives of integrity. However, their actions prove otherwise. Ultimately, it is what led me to my own coming out. I was so exhausted from living a constant lie, of never accepting myself as a gay man, that I craved integrity in my own life.
     Integrity, true integrity, did not happen until I righted the wrong I committed against myself and everyone I have every loved: I pretended to be someone I wasn't. I don't take all of the blame. Many Christian churches force a dogma on congregations that there is no place for a gay man or woman unless he/she denies identity and tries to live as a "straight" person.
     This notion funds and perpetuates ex-gay ministries, even as these ministries are featured in headlines with leaders exposed to having sex with the very men and women the leaders are supposed to be "healing". Ex-gay ministries are the anti-thesis of integrity, and are akin to holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a donut shop.
     My coming out hurt a lot of people: my family, my ex-wife, my kids, friends and loved ones. However, continuing living a lie would have caused even more long term damage to all around me, my physical and emotional health, and to any intergrity I would desire for my life.
     I can now claim a "soundness of moral character". Here's to my former friends who mistakenly believe they can claim the same.