When I finally came out of the closet in 2009, I received a lot of criticism. I can accept the understandable concerns of having affairs on my ex-wife, my situation resulting in limited access to my children and damaging the reputation of the university I loved serving as a professor.
What I refuse to accept are individuals in my life accusing me of not having integrity in my current actions and choices. One of my former lovers and closest friends, married with children, was outed when my situation came to light. He had his chance to finally come out of the closet, but chose instead to "be the Christian man he should be", work on his marriage and forsake the "lifestyle" I was embracing. He wanted to be a man of "integrity". However, just this last month, a friend confirmed this Christian man of "integrity" was once again cruising Craigslist to find gay sex.
Another closeted gay friend I had become close to before my divorce had been planning his own coming out. He was considering looking for jobs in California or other large markets, securing employment then coming out to his family. This was his plan until the day I moved from Arkansas. Within a month he stopped returning my phone calls. Within two months he was not responding to Facebook chats. I finally reached him via phone. He informed me he was going to do the "Christian" thing, had started dating a young woman and he was thinking of asking her to marry him. He wanted to live a life of "integrity". As it turns out, she wised up after finding out he was gay, dumped him, and now he is back to living a closeted life, having gay sex on the side while parading as a straight man.
The definition of integrity is "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty". These two men have fooled themselves, their families and their churches into believing they are living supposed lives of integrity. However, their actions prove otherwise. Ultimately, it is what led me to my own coming out. I was so exhausted from living a constant lie, of never accepting myself as a gay man, that I craved integrity in my own life.
Integrity, true integrity, did not happen until I righted the wrong I committed against myself and everyone I have every loved: I pretended to be someone I wasn't. I don't take all of the blame. Many Christian churches force a dogma on congregations that there is no place for a gay man or woman unless he/she denies identity and tries to live as a "straight" person.
This notion funds and perpetuates ex-gay ministries, even as these ministries are featured in headlines with leaders exposed to having sex with the very men and women the leaders are supposed to be "healing". Ex-gay ministries are the anti-thesis of integrity, and are akin to holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a donut shop.
My coming out hurt a lot of people: my family, my ex-wife, my kids, friends and loved ones. However, continuing living a lie would have caused even more long term damage to all around me, my physical and emotional health, and to any intergrity I would desire for my life.
I can now claim a "soundness of moral character". Here's to my former friends who mistakenly believe they can claim the same.
Right on!
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