As it turns out, it is now cheaper for me to fly into Dallas, Texas and get a rental car for several days than it is to fly directly into Tulsa, Oklahoma to visit my daughters.
A former student of mine contacted me 3 months ago and is in the process of coming out. Living in Dallas, he invited me to crash at his house so I could get up early and make the drive to Tulsa. We planned an evening of gay bar hopping, checking out the local scene and introducing him to members of the Dallas gay community.
When we left his parking lot to head to our first stop it was still light outside. We noticed on the side of the road three ladies trying desperately to change a flat tire. I could tell the car was jacked-up precariously and assistance was needed. I made a u-turn, pulled up behind, and got out of the car.
With a look of relief the ladies beckoned us over, praising God we stopped to help. Within ten minutes I had the car re-jacked, the old tire off and the new one in place. I'm sure I looked like some sort of deranged clothing ad, in my pearl buttoned plaid shirt and designer jeans but sufficiently covered in grease and grime including a slight smudge on my face. Calvin Klein eat your heart out...
Anyway, as I put away the tools one of the ladies beckoned us over, praising Jesus and wanting to pray a blessing over us. She did, and when she was finished and I was driving away her and her friends held hands in prayer thanking God for sending my friend and I to their aid.
My former student (always the philosopher) beat me to the thought: would those ladies still be as welcoming and gracious if they knew it was two gay men who came to their rescue?
I would like to think so, but I am far too familiar with southern evangelical culture to know what most churches say and believe about homosexuals, and I do wonder how the interaction would have been different if my friend and I said "Oh, we don't mind helping! The gay bars dont' really get hopping until 10, anyway!"
In hindsight, I regret not bringing it up in conversation somehow. I think if there we more situations in which gay men and women were interacting, helping, sharing, and laughing with the very people that speak against us we could provide real opportunities for a better understanding.
And not just from the gay perspective. Many gay people I meet are apathetic and sometimes hostile towards Christianity. As a gay Christian, I catch a lot of flack in various conversations. However, just as it is crucial the evangelical community understands not all gays are having sex in the streets and trying to convert children, the gay community needs to know the Christian community does a lot of good in the world and has some wonderful, loving representatives.
American society has an opportunity to flourish if members of the church/gay divide can remember basic humanity, help each other in need, and not let differences be the guiding force of interactions. Until that time, I'll continue to find those opportunites to live our my faith practically, help others, and hopefully be a good example for gays and God alike.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Gay Men Don't Need Martyrs as Parents
When I came out as a gay man, my parents kicked Christ off the cross and hung themselves in His place. In response to accepting a life as an open gay man, my parents determined the only appropriate response was to turn away from their hell-bound soon and martyr themselves for their faith. As "good Christians", any acceptance of their oldest soon and his "choices" and "lifestyle" would be a violation of their religion. In turn, a cycle of self-persecution began.
I know there is a pile of ashes and sackcloth somewhere on my parents' property. There has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth, and my mom and dad are competing for Martyr of the Year.
Until today, dad had the lead. He has not talked to me once since I left Arkansas in 2009, and yet I hear from select family members he is deeply saddened and misses his boy. However, he has hung on his self-made cross for over 18 months. I haven't received a phone call, birthday wish or holiday greeting.
After this afternoon, Mom now safely leads the pack of those who turned away from me. I have tried, quite unsuccessfully, to keep a relationship with my mom. I love her deeply, and we understand each other on a level she would never be comfortable admitting. She has vacillated from the silent treatment to giving me a theological treatise on why I will be sitting on Satan's lap someday.
Today I called her out of the blue. Driving down the interstate I remembered how she made me the most amazing robot costume in 3rd grade. She worked so hard on it, and I was so proud to show off to my friends at school. In my state of nostalgia I reached out to the woman who gave me life. I got her voicemail, but a few minutes later my phone rang and the caller I.D. confirmed it was her.
I said "hello" probably a bit too lovingly and enthusiastically for someone steeped in the victim mentality. I received a rather cold and non-emotional "hello". I reminded her she had the freedom to call me at any time. She asked, quite slowly and pointedly, "What do we have to talk about?"
So, I just jumped right in. I told her about my work, and the public speaking classes I was teaching, and my upcoming legal proceedings with my ex-wife. My mom took advantage of the last topic to remind me what a "mess" I had made of my life, that I ran away like a "coward" like I always did and that I had caused irreparable damage to my children.
I endured her venom until she pole vaulted over my dad's position on the cross and empaled herself firmly on top with gusto, declaring, "I know the end times are near! If it wasn't for our grandkids, your dad and I wouldn't have a reason to live."
I had enough. Her self-pitying diatribe was more than I could take. I reminded her that not only had my younger brother, Shawn, cut himself off from my parents years ago, but that they had managed to estranged their oldest son because of their selfish interpretation of faith and Scripture. To shut me up, she knew where to strike, and randomly threw in, "...and don't talk about him (my partner, Chris) being the love of your life. I don't want to hear it." And in that last sentence the martyr had the last word. She said she needed to go and grocery shop then hung up the phone.
I came out as a gay man at 36 years; the most difficult decision I have made in my life. I gave up so much to be true to who I was meant to be, but have also gained in areas I never thought possible. However, my mom and dad have made my coming out about what they have experienced...what they have suffered...what they have endured as a result.
I understand that many parents have a difficult time accepting a child who comes out as gay, and I have empathy for any struggles parents may have. However, as a father myself, I know it is ultimately self-serving motivations that would cause any parent to reject a child. I love my 3 daughters and I can say with no hesitation they could become crack whores in Amsterdam and nothing...nothing would ever cause me to want to break relationship.
If parents of gay children can remove themselves from self-pity long enough to realize the lifetime of turmoil their child has journeyed we would end up with much healthier gay men and women. At almost 38 years old I still find myself fretting secretly what my parents believe and grieving my loss of relationship.
If my parents would decide to climb down from the cross and fulfill their role of providing unconditional love to me, their oldest son, I would celebrate and have one of my heaviest burdens lifted. Unfortunately, this will probably never happen, and my parents will kill any relationship with me because of a crucifixion of their own design.
I know there is a pile of ashes and sackcloth somewhere on my parents' property. There has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth, and my mom and dad are competing for Martyr of the Year.
Until today, dad had the lead. He has not talked to me once since I left Arkansas in 2009, and yet I hear from select family members he is deeply saddened and misses his boy. However, he has hung on his self-made cross for over 18 months. I haven't received a phone call, birthday wish or holiday greeting.
After this afternoon, Mom now safely leads the pack of those who turned away from me. I have tried, quite unsuccessfully, to keep a relationship with my mom. I love her deeply, and we understand each other on a level she would never be comfortable admitting. She has vacillated from the silent treatment to giving me a theological treatise on why I will be sitting on Satan's lap someday.
Today I called her out of the blue. Driving down the interstate I remembered how she made me the most amazing robot costume in 3rd grade. She worked so hard on it, and I was so proud to show off to my friends at school. In my state of nostalgia I reached out to the woman who gave me life. I got her voicemail, but a few minutes later my phone rang and the caller I.D. confirmed it was her.
I said "hello" probably a bit too lovingly and enthusiastically for someone steeped in the victim mentality. I received a rather cold and non-emotional "hello". I reminded her she had the freedom to call me at any time. She asked, quite slowly and pointedly, "What do we have to talk about?"
So, I just jumped right in. I told her about my work, and the public speaking classes I was teaching, and my upcoming legal proceedings with my ex-wife. My mom took advantage of the last topic to remind me what a "mess" I had made of my life, that I ran away like a "coward" like I always did and that I had caused irreparable damage to my children.
I endured her venom until she pole vaulted over my dad's position on the cross and empaled herself firmly on top with gusto, declaring, "I know the end times are near! If it wasn't for our grandkids, your dad and I wouldn't have a reason to live."
I had enough. Her self-pitying diatribe was more than I could take. I reminded her that not only had my younger brother, Shawn, cut himself off from my parents years ago, but that they had managed to estranged their oldest son because of their selfish interpretation of faith and Scripture. To shut me up, she knew where to strike, and randomly threw in, "...and don't talk about him (my partner, Chris) being the love of your life. I don't want to hear it." And in that last sentence the martyr had the last word. She said she needed to go and grocery shop then hung up the phone.
I came out as a gay man at 36 years; the most difficult decision I have made in my life. I gave up so much to be true to who I was meant to be, but have also gained in areas I never thought possible. However, my mom and dad have made my coming out about what they have experienced...what they have suffered...what they have endured as a result.
I understand that many parents have a difficult time accepting a child who comes out as gay, and I have empathy for any struggles parents may have. However, as a father myself, I know it is ultimately self-serving motivations that would cause any parent to reject a child. I love my 3 daughters and I can say with no hesitation they could become crack whores in Amsterdam and nothing...nothing would ever cause me to want to break relationship.
If parents of gay children can remove themselves from self-pity long enough to realize the lifetime of turmoil their child has journeyed we would end up with much healthier gay men and women. At almost 38 years old I still find myself fretting secretly what my parents believe and grieving my loss of relationship.
If my parents would decide to climb down from the cross and fulfill their role of providing unconditional love to me, their oldest son, I would celebrate and have one of my heaviest burdens lifted. Unfortunately, this will probably never happen, and my parents will kill any relationship with me because of a crucifixion of their own design.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Importance of Family to Gay Health
This past week, a cousin of my partner passed away from cancer. Starting Saturday, we entered a busy time of picking up family from the airport, traveling to the funeral location, and wrapped up today as we transported my partner's mom back to the airport.
As I reflect on the weekend, I am thankful for his family, for they have become my family as well. Since coming out in August of 2009, my father and two brothers have stopped talking to me. The relationship with my mom has been conflictual at best. She reminds me regularly her and my dad believe I am going to hell. She also breaks down in tears for "what I did to them".
I used to be the "golden child" in my family: the most educated, the most successful, the pride of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. Now in my family, I am the name that is not spoken, the person who doesn't receive birthday cards or holiday wishes, and the official "black sheep" whispered about at family gatherings.
My partner's family has now become my family, and as my relationship with his family has grown so has my general mental health. It is a difficult thing to be cut off from one's biological family. I didn't fully realize until recently how damaging the rift between me and my family has been to my emotional well being.
In order to move forward, I have had to allow myself to grieve the loss of my family. I have been able to accomplish this by embracing my "new" family. In this family, my relationship with my partner is respected; even by those who don't agree religiously or morally with homosexuality.
I know I am blessed, for many in my position would not be as fortunate in inheriting a surrogate family. This reality has caused me to consider how lonely it must be for many LGBT without the support of those who were trusted to be a safe haven growing up.
To my new family: I love you, I cherish you and I am proud to call you my own.
As I reflect on the weekend, I am thankful for his family, for they have become my family as well. Since coming out in August of 2009, my father and two brothers have stopped talking to me. The relationship with my mom has been conflictual at best. She reminds me regularly her and my dad believe I am going to hell. She also breaks down in tears for "what I did to them".
I used to be the "golden child" in my family: the most educated, the most successful, the pride of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. Now in my family, I am the name that is not spoken, the person who doesn't receive birthday cards or holiday wishes, and the official "black sheep" whispered about at family gatherings.
My partner's family has now become my family, and as my relationship with his family has grown so has my general mental health. It is a difficult thing to be cut off from one's biological family. I didn't fully realize until recently how damaging the rift between me and my family has been to my emotional well being.
In order to move forward, I have had to allow myself to grieve the loss of my family. I have been able to accomplish this by embracing my "new" family. In this family, my relationship with my partner is respected; even by those who don't agree religiously or morally with homosexuality.
I know I am blessed, for many in my position would not be as fortunate in inheriting a surrogate family. This reality has caused me to consider how lonely it must be for many LGBT without the support of those who were trusted to be a safe haven growing up.
To my new family: I love you, I cherish you and I am proud to call you my own.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Regrets of a Late Blooming Gay Man
Regret #1: No adolescence- I tried to live like a straight teenager, putting off many valuable lessons and experiences I should have been experiencing as a gay teenager.
Regret #2: Ignorance of gay history- I used to condemn gay man and woman and look down my nose at them...I know so very little about gay men and woman throughout history.
Regret #3: Missing my family- If I had come out earlier, my family would be further along. As it stands, I am alone. My family has largely abandoned me.
Regret #4: Short circuiting my finanical potential- I poured myself in to school and degree afet degree so I would not have to face the reality of being gay. I could be so much further along.
Regret #5: Torpedoing relationships- I hurt so many different women I dated, not the least of which was my wife of ten years. Now I have damaged the relationships with my partner recently because of my naivete and impetuousness. I have essentially been a gay teenager trying to contribute to a mature gay relationship...my partner deserved a man, not a boy.
Regret #6: Losing my daughters- I had no identity as a healthy gay man when I first came out; just an unhealthy one. I felt I deserved anything i got for divorcing my wife. I didn't even get my own lawyer. My ignorance prevented me from obtaining legal counsel and securing more visitation with my daughters.
I have many regrets, but I don't regret coming out. Even though my life right now is very complicated and I have been in a lot of pain recently, I would do it all over again. Coming out later in life has been very difficult. I am ready for some peace in the near future...
Regret #2: Ignorance of gay history- I used to condemn gay man and woman and look down my nose at them...I know so very little about gay men and woman throughout history.
Regret #3: Missing my family- If I had come out earlier, my family would be further along. As it stands, I am alone. My family has largely abandoned me.
Regret #4: Short circuiting my finanical potential- I poured myself in to school and degree afet degree so I would not have to face the reality of being gay. I could be so much further along.
Regret #5: Torpedoing relationships- I hurt so many different women I dated, not the least of which was my wife of ten years. Now I have damaged the relationships with my partner recently because of my naivete and impetuousness. I have essentially been a gay teenager trying to contribute to a mature gay relationship...my partner deserved a man, not a boy.
Regret #6: Losing my daughters- I had no identity as a healthy gay man when I first came out; just an unhealthy one. I felt I deserved anything i got for divorcing my wife. I didn't even get my own lawyer. My ignorance prevented me from obtaining legal counsel and securing more visitation with my daughters.
I have many regrets, but I don't regret coming out. Even though my life right now is very complicated and I have been in a lot of pain recently, I would do it all over again. Coming out later in life has been very difficult. I am ready for some peace in the near future...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
A Case of Need: Gay Couple's Counselors
Recently, two friends of mine went through a messy break-up. These two guys had been married for several years and seemed happy. Both are good looking, gregarious and seemingly had a solid relationship.
Shortly before Christmas it all came undone. One had cheated on the other. The one who cheated felt terrible and wanted to reconcile. The one cheated on began blabbing to anyone with ears and a pulse about what his husband had done.
My response was to recommend a couple's counselor. I was confident if I conducted a search for a gay couple's counselor I would be successful. I boldly assumed I could use online resources, networking and recommendations from other people to provide my friends with the names of several therapists.
Sadly, I could not find more than two therapists who work with gay couple's issues in the San Jose area. There were plenty who hung a shingle of helping with "gay issues", but none others with a specialization in gay partnerships. Although I am sure there are more my search was paltry.
This left me disturbed. There are many gay couples in Silicon Valley, but this is not reflected in the number of therapists focusing on gay relationships.
I asked my own therapist, who has practiced in the Bay area for 18 years, why he thought this was the case. His answer was simple: research on gay marriages, relationships and dating is less than 2 decades old, and most of this research is not taught in licensing programs.
Since moving to California, I have met several gay couples who have experience a lot of trials and tribulation in their relationship: affairs, loss of job, death in the family, financial pressures, etc. I am a big believer in therapy, but I can't help but wonder if these same gay couples I have come to know tried to seek help in their struggles only to find there was no one qualified to listen and provide guidance.
A friend came over the other night to our apartment who is about to finish the last of his 3,000 clinical hours so he can become a Marriage and Family Therapist. My advice to him: advertise specializing in gay relationships, and they will beat a path to your door! I told him my failed quest, and he agreed there was a niche therapists in the area had either missed or avoided.
Gay relationships, while unique, still need the basic maintenance of straight relationships. Perhaps as this counseling void is filled with more interested professionals, the gay community will become stronger. When damaged gay relationships are repaired and propelled to a hopeful future rather than being ignored and unrecognized, a powerful precedent is established for young gay and woman as they look to their own future partnerships.
Shortly before Christmas it all came undone. One had cheated on the other. The one who cheated felt terrible and wanted to reconcile. The one cheated on began blabbing to anyone with ears and a pulse about what his husband had done.
My response was to recommend a couple's counselor. I was confident if I conducted a search for a gay couple's counselor I would be successful. I boldly assumed I could use online resources, networking and recommendations from other people to provide my friends with the names of several therapists.
Sadly, I could not find more than two therapists who work with gay couple's issues in the San Jose area. There were plenty who hung a shingle of helping with "gay issues", but none others with a specialization in gay partnerships. Although I am sure there are more my search was paltry.
This left me disturbed. There are many gay couples in Silicon Valley, but this is not reflected in the number of therapists focusing on gay relationships.
I asked my own therapist, who has practiced in the Bay area for 18 years, why he thought this was the case. His answer was simple: research on gay marriages, relationships and dating is less than 2 decades old, and most of this research is not taught in licensing programs.
Since moving to California, I have met several gay couples who have experience a lot of trials and tribulation in their relationship: affairs, loss of job, death in the family, financial pressures, etc. I am a big believer in therapy, but I can't help but wonder if these same gay couples I have come to know tried to seek help in their struggles only to find there was no one qualified to listen and provide guidance.
A friend came over the other night to our apartment who is about to finish the last of his 3,000 clinical hours so he can become a Marriage and Family Therapist. My advice to him: advertise specializing in gay relationships, and they will beat a path to your door! I told him my failed quest, and he agreed there was a niche therapists in the area had either missed or avoided.
Gay relationships, while unique, still need the basic maintenance of straight relationships. Perhaps as this counseling void is filled with more interested professionals, the gay community will become stronger. When damaged gay relationships are repaired and propelled to a hopeful future rather than being ignored and unrecognized, a powerful precedent is established for young gay and woman as they look to their own future partnerships.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Gay Man as Villain: Modern Day Mythology
As a former straight-for-Jesus-closeted-gay-man-on-the-down-low, I became very comforable with villainizing openly gay men. It was part of my upbringing. My father was fond of saying all "fags" should be "shipped off to an island where they can kill each other off". I grew up viewing gay men not as human, but something a little lower on the evolutionary hierarchy.
When I realized as a young man I was gay, this villain motif led me down a path of self-loathing. I felt I had to hate who I was because I had been told about the "evil gay men":
Villains! Gay men led to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Villains! Gay men led to the fall of every major civilization no longer in existence.
Villains! Gay men are to blame for AIDS.
Villains! Gay men are out to recruit children.
I grew up believing gay men were a modern incarnation of the Boogey Man, the monster under the bed, the vampire/werewolf/mummy/Frankenstein abominations of our modern world. The myths mentioned above are largely perpetuated by members of the Christian faith who use a shaky interpretation of Scripture and gross misunderstanding of history to demonize an entire group of people in society.
Some Christian theologians may never accept gay people on moral grounds. However, for a religion so proud of seeking truth it so often peddles fear and misunderstanding about gay individuals from the pulpit, in writings and readings and in everyday interactions.
The truth about the gay community is the same as the straight community: you have conservatives and you have liberals. You have prudes and you have sluts. You have good parents and bad parents.
Many Christians who are so quick to dismiss the possibility of gay men having a place in matters of church and faith scoff at former myths justified by verses in the Bible: an earth-centered universe, aflat earth and left-handed people being evil are some of my favorites. Just as passionately as Christians in the past believed these to be "facts" and now history laughs, so too, someday, will the children and grandchildren of today's pious look back and shake their collective head at the ignorance of the well-intended but misguided myths of today's faith community.
When I realized as a young man I was gay, this villain motif led me down a path of self-loathing. I felt I had to hate who I was because I had been told about the "evil gay men":
Villains! Gay men led to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Villains! Gay men led to the fall of every major civilization no longer in existence.
Villains! Gay men are to blame for AIDS.
Villains! Gay men are out to recruit children.
I grew up believing gay men were a modern incarnation of the Boogey Man, the monster under the bed, the vampire/werewolf/mummy/Frankenstein abominations of our modern world. The myths mentioned above are largely perpetuated by members of the Christian faith who use a shaky interpretation of Scripture and gross misunderstanding of history to demonize an entire group of people in society.
Some Christian theologians may never accept gay people on moral grounds. However, for a religion so proud of seeking truth it so often peddles fear and misunderstanding about gay individuals from the pulpit, in writings and readings and in everyday interactions.
The truth about the gay community is the same as the straight community: you have conservatives and you have liberals. You have prudes and you have sluts. You have good parents and bad parents.
Many Christians who are so quick to dismiss the possibility of gay men having a place in matters of church and faith scoff at former myths justified by verses in the Bible: an earth-centered universe, aflat earth and left-handed people being evil are some of my favorites. Just as passionately as Christians in the past believed these to be "facts" and now history laughs, so too, someday, will the children and grandchildren of today's pious look back and shake their collective head at the ignorance of the well-intended but misguided myths of today's faith community.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
What is Integrity? Coming Out Versus Staying in the Closet
When I finally came out of the closet in 2009, I received a lot of criticism. I can accept the understandable concerns of having affairs on my ex-wife, my situation resulting in limited access to my children and damaging the reputation of the university I loved serving as a professor.
What I refuse to accept are individuals in my life accusing me of not having integrity in my current actions and choices. One of my former lovers and closest friends, married with children, was outed when my situation came to light. He had his chance to finally come out of the closet, but chose instead to "be the Christian man he should be", work on his marriage and forsake the "lifestyle" I was embracing. He wanted to be a man of "integrity". However, just this last month, a friend confirmed this Christian man of "integrity" was once again cruising Craigslist to find gay sex.
Another closeted gay friend I had become close to before my divorce had been planning his own coming out. He was considering looking for jobs in California or other large markets, securing employment then coming out to his family. This was his plan until the day I moved from Arkansas. Within a month he stopped returning my phone calls. Within two months he was not responding to Facebook chats. I finally reached him via phone. He informed me he was going to do the "Christian" thing, had started dating a young woman and he was thinking of asking her to marry him. He wanted to live a life of "integrity". As it turns out, she wised up after finding out he was gay, dumped him, and now he is back to living a closeted life, having gay sex on the side while parading as a straight man.
The definition of integrity is "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty". These two men have fooled themselves, their families and their churches into believing they are living supposed lives of integrity. However, their actions prove otherwise. Ultimately, it is what led me to my own coming out. I was so exhausted from living a constant lie, of never accepting myself as a gay man, that I craved integrity in my own life.
Integrity, true integrity, did not happen until I righted the wrong I committed against myself and everyone I have every loved: I pretended to be someone I wasn't. I don't take all of the blame. Many Christian churches force a dogma on congregations that there is no place for a gay man or woman unless he/she denies identity and tries to live as a "straight" person.
This notion funds and perpetuates ex-gay ministries, even as these ministries are featured in headlines with leaders exposed to having sex with the very men and women the leaders are supposed to be "healing". Ex-gay ministries are the anti-thesis of integrity, and are akin to holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a donut shop.
My coming out hurt a lot of people: my family, my ex-wife, my kids, friends and loved ones. However, continuing living a lie would have caused even more long term damage to all around me, my physical and emotional health, and to any intergrity I would desire for my life.
I can now claim a "soundness of moral character". Here's to my former friends who mistakenly believe they can claim the same.
What I refuse to accept are individuals in my life accusing me of not having integrity in my current actions and choices. One of my former lovers and closest friends, married with children, was outed when my situation came to light. He had his chance to finally come out of the closet, but chose instead to "be the Christian man he should be", work on his marriage and forsake the "lifestyle" I was embracing. He wanted to be a man of "integrity". However, just this last month, a friend confirmed this Christian man of "integrity" was once again cruising Craigslist to find gay sex.
Another closeted gay friend I had become close to before my divorce had been planning his own coming out. He was considering looking for jobs in California or other large markets, securing employment then coming out to his family. This was his plan until the day I moved from Arkansas. Within a month he stopped returning my phone calls. Within two months he was not responding to Facebook chats. I finally reached him via phone. He informed me he was going to do the "Christian" thing, had started dating a young woman and he was thinking of asking her to marry him. He wanted to live a life of "integrity". As it turns out, she wised up after finding out he was gay, dumped him, and now he is back to living a closeted life, having gay sex on the side while parading as a straight man.
The definition of integrity is "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty". These two men have fooled themselves, their families and their churches into believing they are living supposed lives of integrity. However, their actions prove otherwise. Ultimately, it is what led me to my own coming out. I was so exhausted from living a constant lie, of never accepting myself as a gay man, that I craved integrity in my own life.
Integrity, true integrity, did not happen until I righted the wrong I committed against myself and everyone I have every loved: I pretended to be someone I wasn't. I don't take all of the blame. Many Christian churches force a dogma on congregations that there is no place for a gay man or woman unless he/she denies identity and tries to live as a "straight" person.
This notion funds and perpetuates ex-gay ministries, even as these ministries are featured in headlines with leaders exposed to having sex with the very men and women the leaders are supposed to be "healing". Ex-gay ministries are the anti-thesis of integrity, and are akin to holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a donut shop.
My coming out hurt a lot of people: my family, my ex-wife, my kids, friends and loved ones. However, continuing living a lie would have caused even more long term damage to all around me, my physical and emotional health, and to any intergrity I would desire for my life.
I can now claim a "soundness of moral character". Here's to my former friends who mistakenly believe they can claim the same.
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