Workplace Freedom

     Today was a crazy, busy day. I was out the door at 7 a.m., hopped the BART to Berkeley, and attended a regional meeting with 16 of my professional peers. I had a major presentation (which I kicked ass on, by the way) and the day of information and training ended in a wonderful meal at a New Orleans restaurant.
     One of our regional managers was my original supervisor. As we were all at the table laughing and talking, she commented on how many of us had wore a shade of purple (a marketing color of our company). She said she felt out of place because she didn't own anything purple.
     However, I remembered she had on a purle sweater with a white under shirt and reminded her of that first day. One of my coworkers (who I am close to) commented out loud, "If you didn't know he was gay before, you sure do now!'
     For a moment time stood still. I felt myself catch my breath and my heart race. Although my immediate team knows I am gay I have not announced it to the larger regional team.
     In what seemed an eternity, in which the old fear mechanisms of being a closeted gay man in the south kicked in for my self-preservation, I was ready to look around the table and see looks of disbelief and possibly shame.
     As my internal clock once again shifted into actual reality, everyone had continued their conversations, laughing at my co-workers quip and then going back to other conversations.
     There were no shocked visages. No furled brows. No scowls. This group of people did not care that I was gay; they cared I was good at my job.
     In my old life such a proclamation by one of my co-workers would have resulted in immediate uncomfortableness, gossip and possible termination from my job.
     In my new life, me being gay is not a hindrance. It is just a part of who I am. And just like my co-workers that are not impeded by heterosexuality, my homosexuality is not viewed as a trait to be changed, grieved or challenged.
     My supervisor was not only impressed I remembered the color of her outfit, but went on to compliment me on my own attire, knowing I would appreciate the compliment. I settled  back into conversation with my colleagues, thankful I have found comradery and acceptance.

A Tale of Two Moms

     It's Mother's Day. I mailed my mom a card earlier in the week. I called her this morning, got her voice mail and left a nice message. Before I came out, the tradition with my mom is that I would by her a corsage for church. My brothers and I would then meet with her and have a nice lunch and spend the afternoon visiting.
     My mom doesn't say much to me, now. Because I have accepted an identity as a gay man, from her theological perspective I am sinning: gay sex is a sin, divorcing my wife was a sin, moving away from my kids was a sin, etc. She believes I am going to hell, and therefore treats me as a lost cause. We don't talk much, and when we do she is very cold, very guarded and not the mom I grew up loving so much. I don't expect to hear back from her today.
     In contrast, there is my friend Carl and the relationship he has with his mother. Carl has become a good friend and confidant recently, and as we got to know each other he told me about his mom. She was loving and supportive when he chose to become a Mormon after high school. When he announced his divorce from his wife and coming out as a gay man his mother questioned why he would marry and have kids with a woman if he was gay, but loved and supported him in his transition.
     A couple of weeks ago I attended the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus concert. Carl is the Assistant Conductor and was also featured in a couple of vocal solos. Afterwards, Carl introduced me to his mom and other family members. When his mom saw him, she beamed. She hugged her little boy, praised him, congratulated him, and she welcomed me warmly as a new friend of Carl's. In turn, his dad, sister, and grand-parents showered him with love and were equally welcoming to me.
     The evening left me very sad, and as I woke to Mother's Day this morning the evening once again played in my mind. I envy Carl. Has he made mistakes? You betcha. Has he made decisions his mom disagrees with adamantly? Oh, yeah. But a marked difference between the type of mother he has versus the type mine has chosen to become is that his mom tries to demonstrate unconditional love to her son.
     My mom is in church right now, singing praise songs, finding solace in her Christianity and no doubt saying prayers as she grieves for the "loss" of her oldest son, begging God to "break" me and make me repentant.
     Carl's mom is spending the day with him, anxious for his company and eager for the opportunity to spend time with her boy.
     I saw a great quotation in the most recent issue of Out that describes the relationship with my mom perfectly: growing up I was my mother's shining gem; now I am her greatest embarrassment.
     To my mom: your little boy misses you.
     To Carl's mom: thank you for giving me hope.
     Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!!!

Proud of My Boys!!!

In August 2009, after coming out as a gay men, I joined the Silicon Valley Gay Men's Chorus.

While I type this blog, I am watching/listening to the DVD of our most recent concert, "Boys in the Band". It was an exploration and celebration of the influence of all male groups on music.

As I watch the different numbers, I not only think of all of the blood, sweat and tears we put into this concert, but how dear this group has been to me as I have made my transition as an out gay man.

I think all of us in the gay community need a group to belong to which helps us feel a part of something bigger. Whether it is a choir, a church, a social group, an athletic team or other possibilities, sharing a common purpose and commradery can help us through tough times, introduce us to amazingly happy times and be a place of stability for the in-between times.

Currently, I am not allowed to tell my three daughters anything about my life. All they are allowed to know is I live in California. When this changes (and it will be changing...very soon) one of the first things I can't wait to share with my girls is my involvement with the chorus. My two oldest just had their first vocal/theatrical performance last night. They like to perform...they are chips off the ol' block. And I know when they watch the DVDs of concerts of me with the fellas it will make them happy. They won't care I'm gay...they won't care they are gay...they will love we create great music together.

Here's to my boys: I love you very much. Thank you for helping me keep a song in my heart.