Four Years Ago: A Letter to the Christian University I Loved

Today, I sent this letter to my former colleagues at John Brown University. JBU is an evangelical, private Christian university that has a Lifestyle Contract for students, faculty, staff and administration forbidding homosexuality:

Four years ago I was one of the most sought after professors at JBU. Students loved my classes and felt challenged, and to this day many continue to seek me out to thank me for my influence.

Four years ago I was respected by most of my peers at JBU. In my 8 years on campus, I helped spearhead multiple initiatives, including a nationally ranked Speech and Debate Team, Film Library, formation of a new minor and major, as well as the Performing Arts Building. For those of you I did not have the privilege of knowing, all you have to do is enter "Jason Hough" and "John Brown University" in Google for pages and proof of the dedication I had to the campus.

Four years ago I was in my tenth year of marriage, having recently celebrated the second birthday of the youngest of my three daughters.

Four years ago, after years of counseling, reparative therapy and even temporary chemical castration with my former spouse's blessing, I finally accepted I was a gay man, divorced my wife and resigned my post at JBU.

Four years ago the majority of Americans did not support gay marriage. Four years ago Exodus International was still the largest international promoter of reparative therapy. Four years ago gay couples had no federal protection. 

Now we are at today. The majority of Americans support gay marriage, Exodus International has closed its doors and issued public apologies for its work, When I marry my partner and fiance next summer we will be recognized in our state and by our country.

I write this not to boast, not to try to persuade you away from your individual theology or to even think any better of me for a decision that hurt many of you as well as the students I loved so dearly. I write this to challenge you to work towards a JBU that leads the discussion in Christian higher education on the place of LGBT students in the church and theology. I write this to challenge you to work towards a JBU that acknowledges it has had gay administration, faculty and staff that not only made JBU a better place in the past, but that there are still gay administration, faculty and staff serving the institution currently in hiding for fear of losing their jobs and ministry.

I made many mistakes during the time I spent hiding my sexuality. I hurt people in the process. But those who knew me also know that in spite of the Jekyll and Hyde existence I lived, I made JBU a better place.

I am now on a tenure track at another institution in California. I am still doing what I love, but there will always be a hole where JBU was. In many ways, I ate, drank and slept JBU. The time for deciding where JBU will go in the future in its theology, standards and treatment of LGBT students, administration, faculty and staff is now, and it is in your hands.

JBU is never far from my thoughts and some of my best memories.

Jason Hough, former Assistant Professor of Communication at JBU

No more Samsonite: When Baggage Sticks Around

     It's been almost four years since I came out as a gay man. I have had my share of ups and downs. I have learned so much, not just about myself but other people as well.

     Just about the time I think I have taken care of any baggage left from my former life or my coming out process, something happens that reminds me that some baggage sticks around a lot longer than others.

     I have decided to label these issues as my Samsonite baggage. Growing up, I remember many ads of Samsonite luggage standing up to a beating from a gorilla, being ran over by a truck and dropped off a plane. Again and again, the Samsonite baggage remained intact.

     Just like that luggage, a couple of incidents recently have reminded me I still have (and probably will have) some long-term baggage that colors my interpersonal relationships and personal decision making. Even though I have tried to destroy all the baggage from my past, some of it is very durable.

     I have realized that coming out as late as I did I am "behind" in some areas of gay maturity compared to many of my peers. That would be my Samsonite carry-on. When it comes to really being confident and owning who I am as a gay man I am still often timid. That would be my Samsonite that gets stowed above the seat. Day-to-day living, from my partner to my close friends, and trying to think of the needs of others as I think of my own: I am severely lacking. For so many years, I put all of my own wants and needs aside to meet the expectations of others, I believe sometimes now I am flat out selfish and pig-headed with what I want. This is the big Samsonite bag I have to pay extra for.

     My grandparents had a Samsonite suitcase passed down to my mother and then passed down to me. That luggage lasted across three generations, countless miles and multiple destinations. I would still have that Samsonite if I had not gotten rid of it in a yard sale.

     I know the only way to get rid of some of my current baggage is to get rid of it. If I don't, it will stick around much longer than it should.

Much Ado About Nothing: the Supreme Court Hype

     What a week! News media was abuzz with the Supreme Court cases concerning the California Prop 8 case and the Defense of Marriage Act. Pro-gay marriage friends and family changed their profile pic to the equality symbol; anti-gay marriage friends and family changed their profile pic to something, well, less equal.
     Both sides of this issue have been alternating between shouts of praise and groans of disappointment as the justices heard opening arguments. My gay friends have largely been in knots asking questions. Will they strike down Prop 8? Will D.O.M.A. be found unconstitutional? Will gays be allowed to marry?
     In all of the hoopla, I have tried to emphasize that regardless of what the Supreme Court decides now, gay marriage in the U.S. will be a reality. It is no longer a matter of "if," but a matter of "when."
     Public opinion on the issue continues growing, increasingly supportive of gay marriage. Straight men and women from all walks of life and backgrounds have realized family, friends, neighbors and co-workers are gay. Contrary to the misapplied lesson of Sodom from Scripture, our society has not imploded or crumbled as a result of gay men and women coming out of the shadows and into the light of our culture.
     As with so many other major social shifts in our country (women's right to vote and be educated, desegregation and interracial relationships, etc.) the issue of gay marriage has now reached a "critical mass" of approval from the majority of the American public. Whether it is in the next year or the next several, gay marriage will be allowed and many will be left scratching their heads in the future, wondering, "What was the big deal?"
     For those opposing same-sex marriage from a faith based perspective, this must be a scary time. They are now in the minority. As a result, some who still oppose are now asking tough questions of their leaders, their holy documents and faith in general.
     While I can't speak to all religions, I can comfortably speak from an evangelical Christian perspective. Regardless of your scriptural viewpoint of homosexuality, look to Christ's example. He didn't bludgeon the people into some sort of value-based submission. He didn't rant and rave because people were not living the way he wanted. Christ's example was not one of trying to manipulate culture and make everyone fall in line with "Christian" standards. His way was to model a life of love, living a life differently, and INVITING others to follow him; not forcing.
     Perhaps what I am most excited about is that this issue, so long held captive by evangelical leaders in this country as a tool of fear and propaganda, is slowly losing its sway on the people of this country. Watching the cases play out in the Supreme Court makes for high drama, but I realize the bigger story has already taken place in this country.
     Gay rights are no longer an academic pursuit. Gay rights are now being woven into the fabric of populist American society. Regardless of all the hype this week, the battle has already been won.
   

Note to My Pastor: A Critique on a "Gay" Sermon

Out of love and respect for my dear friend, I have reduced this post to this:

Pastor, do your job. Not the job that is convenient, not the job you think people want to hear, not the job that will keep you in your church.

You've done it before, you'll do it again.

ALL my love,

Jason

The President's Inaugural Address: This Time it was Personal

     Barack Obama just completed his inaugural address. As an educator, I have listened to inaugural addresses since the 90s. As I type this entry, I am still wiping away tears. This time, the inaugural address, in part, was about me and people I love.
     This is the first time an inaugural address has set forth gay rights as important as other rights this country should protect. I wasn't expecting it. As President Obama mentioned protecting the rights of his "gay brothers and sisters," and mentioned the Stonewall Riots as one of the historic civil rights movements of our nation, I paused for reflection.
     For years I didn't come out because I was so afraid of rejection from both my family and church. Now that I am out, due to marry an awesome man this next year and am aself-declared happy gay man, I still have fears.
     I worry when Jason and I visit a state without gay rights of something happening to one of us and not being able to visit one another in the hospital.
     I worry about our financial future, not able to take advantage of the same financial standards that heterosexual couples enjoy.
     I worry about how long I can be kept from my children and have to hide the truth of my life simply because I am gay.
     President Obama took a stand today, and tied gay rights to the standards our forefathers placed in the Constitution.
     I was already close to tears by the end of his speech, but the tears flowed as, in the closing prayer, gay men and women were included in the prayer's words.
     The President made it clear that debates of gay versus straight will be relegated to where they should be: in the church, but not U.S. society. He made it clear the Constitution of this country protects MY rights as a gay man, and that includes life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
     Thank you, Mr. Obama: you have paved the way to make my pursuit that much easier.

Happy Holiday Housewarming: A Great Microcosm of Ideal Life

     Jason and I had a great housewarming/holiday part this last weekend. Over 60 guests came to our home and definitely helped to "warm" it for the holidays.
     At one point between replenishing the jalapeno wontons and opening another bottle of Chardonnay, I looked around our kitchen, into our living room and onto the front porch.
     There were faculty and staff from my college. Several of our neighbors were mingling and visiting. We had friends from Santa Cruz, San Jose, Monterey, Carmel and even a friend travelling through from Arkansas.
     What I loved about this tableau is that there were no issues of gay or straight, poor or rich, religious or not. All I could see were people that we cared about, that cared about us, and everyone was having a great time.
     This helps take the sting out of this time of year for me. My immediate family has still cut off all communication. My extended family has worsened communication with me. Recently, my grandmother was thrown a big, surprise 90th birthday party. I wasn't invited for fear I would show up with my "friend." Some friends I invested a lot of time and sharing have cut me off as well.
     However, when I looked around at the smiling faces in my home, I was reminded of how blessed my life really is and how I wish some of these family and friends could have witnessed the wonderful people which help color mine and Jason's daily lives.
     Happy holidays to all!

Cliques Aren't Just in High School

     For years, I have taught students in my Interpersonal Communication class cliques are not just a high school thing. Adults often form cliques as well, and they can be as petty and frustrating as any from teenage days of yore.

     Don't get me wrong: having a core group of friends is healthy and can be a great support. However, when this identity prevents the formation of new friendships and the group self-protects from new members, these are often red flags.

     Three years into the gay community, and I can say, at least for the San Francisco/San Jose area, gay cliques are a research area begging for a Jane Goodall type of field study. I am not an anthropologist, but here are my field notes thus far:

Gay Christians: With a cohesion and a near cult impenetrability, I have been privy to three different groups of guys, each group from its own church, over the past three years. I identify as a Christian, and I attempted to get to know guys in two of these groups and find a church home. I was never invited to a lunch, or coffee, or dinner. With one such group, I inadvertently was on the receiving end of the clique mentality and judging certain decisions I had made. It became clear I wasn't "Christian enough" for this particular group.

The "we have more money than we know what to do with and you don't" group: Members of this type of gay clique in the Bay area are really frustrating. At first, they welcome you in and invite you out to really expensive dinners, outings, even over to their homes for gatherings. However, the interest in you wanes after you have to start saying "no" to last minute trips to Tahoe, regularly declining $100 evenings out and have to establish budget boundaries. I found several guys I connected with, but very quickly the phone calls, texting and email invites stopped.

The "we are couples who like to play together" group: This one was a surprise for me. I have met an entire group of couples that have open relationships. Defined: they have sex with other people outside of their relationship. There was immediate interest, particularly in Jason and I as a couple. However, when we were asked or it came out we are monogamous, suddenly we weren't invited to parties or gatherings any longer.

There are more, and each equally fascinating. Music aficionados, techno geeks, Disney worshipers  A-list bears, etc. I know I am not alone in my observations because other gay men in the Bay area have expressed as much.

I find it odd that anyone in the gay community, a community which historically prided itself in acceptance and diversity, would work so hard to form exclusive sub-groups.

Thoughts?