HIV: Now, I Get It

     Living the first 36 years of my life as a closeted gay man leading a double life in the South, HIV was something that happened "to other people". I lived in such a denial I did some very stupid things and by all accounts should have contracted HIV or some other venereal disease, but I didn't. My friends I knew who were also closeted never contracted the disease, so it always seemed it was a world away in terms of affecting my reality. I just didn't "get it".
     A good friend of mine shared with me today he was just diagnosed HIV+. For a second, I was speechless. Since moving to California I have met individuals and become friends with people who have been dealing with HIV. But my friend's news today knocked the wind out of me. I grieved for him immediately. This friend, this brother I have laughed with, cried with, eaten with and drank with suddenly is someone who has this terrible disease and will have their life forever altered.
     I cried and hugged him. I know HIV isn't the death sentence it once was. But now my friend will be dealing with meds, doctor visits and self-disclosure for any guy he dates. The thing he is most scared about: how to tell his family.
     Today he kept his spirits up, wanting to be around me and other friends for support. He is feisty and a fighter and I am confident he will battle this every step of the way.
     However, his news was a sobering reminder of how mortal and fragile our lives really are, and a reminder any of us, at any time, can have our circumstances change dramatically and alter our lives.
     To my friend: I love you, and I am humbled you chose to tell me. No matter where this news takes you, I'm by your side.
     To my readers: please send positive thoughts and prayers my friend's way.

Comradery: It Keeps the Gays Going

     Last night I should have just gone to bed early.
     I left choir rehearsal early because I have been fighting a nasty cold. I slept most of yesterday, ran a fever and felt "blech" from head to toe.
     However, it was my friend David's surprise 40th birthday party, so I decided to make an appearance. The rules from his partner were simple: park on a side street, get there early and hide. All went as planned, David had a great time, and I soon left.
     Much to my surprise, my car had been towed. There was not a sign where I parked or any markings but the Campbell police department confirmed my ticket and that my car was impounded.
     My partner, Chris has been really stressed with school, finances and life in general lately. We can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and my Daewoo gets kidnapped! I didn't want to burden Chris and went in to panic mode: what could I do to solve this myself?
     Four of my dear friends came to the rescue. Two were with me at the police department waiting for a ridiculous amount of time and drove me to the impound lot to retrieve my car and helped me pay my parking ticket. When I couldn't get my car released last night another friend drove me to the tow site this morning and helped me pay the towage fees. Still another friend offered to let me crash at his place for a while, just in case Chris was going to make me sleep in the proverbial doghouse.
     I have been blessed since coming out last year to have a great group of friends. I have also realized the gay community has only flourished to its current degree by gay men supporting one another as friends, family and comrades in life, love and pursuits.
     When I came out, part of my culture shock was how tight knit the gay community was in the Bay area. This larger, vibrant network thrives because the smaller friendship and support groups of individuals have bolstered and nurtured one another to become leaders and visionaries for the greater good.
     In high school, my drama teacher kept a simple poster by the chalk board: "Friends are the croutons in the salad bowl of life."
     To my four croutons that were part of my messy salad last night and this morning: I love you and thank you for the gift of your friendship!

Gay or Straight: Relationships Take Work

     As I type this, I'm glancing over at the awesome man beside me. My partner, Chris, was instrumental in my coming out. Through that process, we fell in love, and 15 months ago I moved to California to be with him.
     We've had a tough time lately. Actually, my circumstances and baggage have caused us quite a tough time. My exorbitant child support means that for the past 15 months Chris has had to carry an undue amount of our financial responsibilities as a couple. Toss in the fact he lost his job 3 months ago, and the financial pressures we have had to face together have been overwhelming at times.
     We also didn't really date. We went from getting to know each other well enough to know we wanted to be with each other to me hopping on a plane to live with him. For 15 months we have been a couple, but there are a lot of aspects about one another it would have been nice to know prior to a committed relationship.
     We are both strong willed, and pig-headed, and we both have to be right and we both hate it when we are wrong. We have both hurt one another, snapped at one another and given ultimatums to one another. As we look forward, we are both exploring what needs to change and develop for us to stay together long term.
     Gay relationships are just as wonderful and tumultuous as their heterosexual counterparts. Chris and I have what I've called the "closest thing to a fairy tale". We went to high school together and were in the chorus. We grew up two miles apart. His father and my grandfather were friends. 18 years after we last spoke, we found each other, in different stages in our lives, and we fell in love. Some of the greatest joys I have experienced in a relationship are with him.
     So are some of the most heartbreaking moments. As selfish individuals we haven't always done a good job of trying to put the other's needs equal to our own. We have been very self-absorbed at different times and have cut one another to the quick.
     My relationship isn't complicated and needing work because it is gay. My relationship is a challenge because it is a relationship. Just like straight relationships, there is the ebb and flow of Chris and I adoring each other and then despising what the other does. As of late, we have been trying to figure out the balance between giving each other space and yet still coming together and communicating as a couple.
     Most couples, gay or straight, have those days where they look over at the person beside them in bed and ask, "What the hell was I thinking?" I know Chris has been asking himself that question. I know I have pondered the same.
     But here, in our room at 2 a.m., I find comfort in his steady snoring. I still get twitterpated sometimes when I lay beside him and watch him sleep. I know his body from head to toe, from his strong hands to his ugly feet. During the night he wraps me up in his arms, just like I'm a teddy bear, and I am safe and warm.
     One of Chris' favorite old TV shows is the "Facts of Life". I think the show's theme song captures why any relationship take work:
     "You take the good, you take the bad. You take them both and there you have the facts of life."
     Relationships, the best relationships, take effort. The snoring beast besides me drives me bonkers sometimes, but I wouldn't have him any other way. As long as he and I respect each other as individuals, work together as a team when needed and keep our focus on building and staying in a relationship long term we will have a great legacy.
     As I lean over and give his bald head a kiss, I know we have a lot of work ahead. I am confident as long as we work on our relationship in a positive way it will surive.
     Here's to my big gay bear of a man. May we always want to fight for one another and work to make the other happy.

For the Love of a Fedora: Gay Today, Gone Tomorrow

     In a panic to put together a Powerpoint demonstration for work, featuring head shots of me and my colleagues, I realized I didn't have a good pic. I set up a makeshift backdrop, put on a nice shirt and tie, and my favorite Fedora.
     I liked the pic and posted it on Facebook. It generated some buzz, included my old college roommate commenting "that's so gay".
     It caused me to stop and think: what is "gay" about a Fedora? This hat has a wonderful history, harkening back to a time where every respectable man (gay OR straight) wore one.
     Somewhere along the way men stopped wearing hats, and now it is apparently a gay accessory...so be it.
     At 37 years old I am finally at a place where I am comfortable wearing what I want when I want. I don't care if a Fedora seems flamboyant: I think its fashionable, unique and a signature piece I wear. Just because it's gay today doesn't mean it will be gay tomorrow.
     Stereotypes of gay men are becoming more and more difficult to uphold. The bear community flies in the face of any stereotype of gay men as effeminate and "soft". The Gay Games features top athletes in different sports that, if videotaped and aired on the nightly news would look no different than any other athletic coverage.
     I think it is becoming increasingly difficult to label things as "gay"...and that's a good thing. The sooner we can get away from marginalizing people's choices by trying to label them questioningly the happier, and healthier our society will become.
     I wore my Fedora tonight to choir rehearsal: the gays loved it! When I got home, I put the hat back in my closet, and spied my full-length Matrix jacket in the back of my closet, its smooth lines and supple leather beckoning me...
     After all...tomorrow is another day!

The Art of Civility: Christian Love in Practice

     In the wake of one of the most contentious mid-term elections in American history, a lot of discussion has taken place regarding how nasty and uncivil candidates were to one another. The past week I have read several articles asking the same question: is civility dead?
     Although in recent politics it would appear to be the case, I am real life proof that not only is civility not dead, but where allowed it flourishes.
     When I went through my divorce and came out last year as a gay man, I was not treated civilly by some. I had family, friends and coworkers shun me. People I thought I would be able to depend on through thick and thin, particularly fellow Christians, turned their back on me.
     It helped me understand why there are so many turned off by the Christian faith and evangelicals in the gay community. Although Christ surrounded himself with "sinners", much to the angst of the Pharisees and Sadducees, so often Christians today treat obvious sinners like myself with a certain repugnancy. For example, before I divorced and moved from Arkansas someone in my inner circle (not many knew what was happening) spray painted "fag" and left it on my front door.
     But today I was reminded Christians can also be loving and supportive and civil. My second cousin, Ruben, is an evangelical Christian pastor. Although I know his biblical and theological views are not supportive of a gay "lifestyle", Ruben has been civil and loving.
     Today, we talked via Facebook chat about his recent trip overseas, and going deeper talking about the challenges of the church in different countries and societies. After ending our conversation, I reflected on how my cousin has not sought to change my mind, or demean my decisions or treat me negatively. Because he cares about me, he continues to be civil.
     Many of my friends have told me stories of being treated poorly be those who confess to be followers of Christ. Many evangelical churches are so consumed with being "right" about the topic of homosexuality they have forgotten their first charge: to love.
     And that love, the love I see in my bible, is one where civility is the rule, and not the exception, for how Christians should treat other people.

Under the Radar: The Good News about Tea Party Politics

     The experts forecasted it. Democrats were afraid of it. Republicans aren't sure they want it.
     Yes, it's the Tea Party! I have had to endure throughout the day friends and colleagues bemoaning Tea Party politics and the 45+ Tea Party candidates who will be sworn in to office, but I am chipper. Why? Because this could be exactly what the gay community needs.
     The members of the Tea Party largely got elected because of the hot button topics of the economy and anti-Obama sentiment. In order to make voters happy, the Republican Party's focus the next year will have to be economics and working to frustrate Democrats.
     This leaves a back door opportunity for two major gay issues to be decided out of the public arena and out of the sights of ultra-conservatives: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and the inevitable Supreme Court hearings on gay marriage.
     For almost three decades, the Republican party has used anti-gay rallying to unify its support base. As much as the Republican Party is celebrating Tea Party success, it is also a potentially divisive union. For all of the hoopla, the Tea Party represents in many ways a type of conservative extremism the Republican Party knows will lose centrists long term. In the scramble to embrace and utilize yesterday's Tea Party successes the Republican Party will have to be careful of how it picks its battles. Old mainstays such as gay rights now have to take a back seat to the more pressing demands of voters.
     If gay rights leaders are wise, subtle discussions and limited media exposure are the formula to repeal D.A.D.T. and create a positive environment for advocating gay marriage.
     Let the Tea Party have its heyday. Then maybe, just maybe, we can have ours.

Male Body Image: Gays Influencing Societal Standards?

     During the "Rocky Horror Picture Show" episode of the hit TV show "Glee" last week, two of the male characters have a locker room chat about male body image. The completely cut and near negative body fat Sam confides in Finn that he works out constantly and only eats protein because he worries about getting fat.
     I get it. I just started a calorie counting program today. My midsection has been ballooning as of late, and my turn as the phantom of the opera for Halloween almost didn't happen because I couldn't get my tuxedo trousers buttoned and zipped.
     The gay community gets it. Most male gay culture focuses on the chiseled, hairless (and fat free) youthful body type, in everything from magazine covers, calendars and even pornography.
     Because of this strong emphasis on being in shape and muscled and Adonis-like it caused me to wonder if gay culture has perpetuated this ideal upon American society in general. A perusal of TV and movie stars from the 1970s until now makes an impressive case. One example is a famous 1970s Playgirl pic featuring Burt Reynolds. He was considered the epitome of manhood, and the picture has him nude (with a strategically placed hand) on a bear skin rug. He is hairy from head to toe, sporting a moustache and a nice but far from chiseled build. Fast forward to this past year, when star Mario Lopez posed for People magazine and staged the same photo. Mario has almost no body hair and maybe, maybe 4% body fat.
     Hairy and a decent build is out, but I don't think it is because women suddenly became "turned off" from body hair and a basic manly build. I don't think it is any accident that as gay culture became more mainstream in the late 70s to where it is today, gay ideals carried over in to pop culture. After coming out last year, I learned that the "bear" community of gay men largely gained popularity because average, hairy  gay guys were tired of the young, hairless "twink" stereotype.
     So, as I sit here eating my Weight Watchers popsicle, I give my hairy chest a scratch and rub my belly. I am not willing to do what it would take to be a Mario Lopez. So, I will settle for looking more like a Burt Reynolds. It may be outdated, but I don't mind. I simply want to fit in my pants again.