I recently gave a talk at my college entitled, "The Importance of Coming Out Early: Lessons from a Hartnell Instructor." There were about 200 students and faculty in attendance, and it was largely well-received.
Immediately after the talk, and also via email, I was contacted by members representing the L, B and T in "LGBT".
The lesbians felt I should have talked more about the challenges of lesbians.
The bisexuals felt I should have talked more about the challenges of bisexuals.
The transgendered felt I should have talked more about the challenges of being transgendered.
At first, I felt bad. I didn't do a good job of representing the LGBT community in a public forum. I listened very attentively to the concerns presented to me and initially felt sympathy.
However, in hindsight, I am now reconsidering those negative feelings. I am a gay man. I am not a lesbian. I am not bisexual. I am not transgendered.
My experience, and therefore my most valuable knowledge to pass to others, is that from the gay experience. It has led me to what could be a controversial claim:
It is time for the individual letters of LGBT to stand on their own.
The needs and concerns of the gay community are uniquely gay. The needs and concerns of lesbiana are uniquely lesbian. Bisexuals are bisexuals and transgendered are transgendered.
I completely understand the history of these four coming together. In many ways, these four were like the Island of Misfit Toys. The only way the four individually had a voice and influence was to join together.
However, that time has come and gone. With laws and society changing, LGBT does not need to stay huddled together as if the four have a lot in common.
Quite frankly, we don't any longer. This shift is very subtle but obvious. Many LGBT activists, writers and researchers have been referencing a "plateau" as of late...that the once dynamic momentum of the LGBT community may be cooling.
I would suggest the reason for this is that it has become convoluted to try and discuss and persuade from a combined LGBT perspective. As a gay man in the gay community, I want to start working towards efforts to promote gay concerns without the extra burden of lesbian, bisexual and transgendered considerations.
Furthermore, whereas as gays and lesbians have be successful in promoting societal awareness and acceptance of their labels, bisexuals and transgendered have not had similar success. I believe this is largely because bisexuals and transgendered have been lumped with and therefore upstaged by gay and lesbian promotion.
It is time for each letter of LGBT to stand on its own, claiming its own identity, and remembering fondly the initial collaboration which brought us out of the shadows. The way forward is for lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgendered to walk their own path in the sun.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sight Beyond Sight! What Thundercats Has Taught Me About Life
Growing up, one of my favorite cartoons was "Thundercats". A race of cat-like humanoids is all but eradicated by the evil Mumm-ra and the surviving members are lead by Lion-o. He carries and wields in times of trouble the Sword of Omens. When he needs to see a situation more clearly and gain greater insight, he holds the sword aloft and declares, "Sword of Omens: Give me sight beyond sight!"
What this cartoon taught me at a really young age is sometimes we don't see life clearly. This has helped temper some depression I have had of late in terms of how family and former friends see me. When I came out, some of my family and friends acknowledged immediately I made a very difficult choice punctuated by some positive and negative decisions, but ultimately chose a path truer and healthier than I had previously. Some of my family and friends were upset and confused by my decision at first, but as they have talked to me and monitored my "new life" they, too, have come to understand why I did what I did. And others, no matter how hard I try and no matter the dialogue I try to encourage only see me as a failure, a sinner, a deviant and a bad father.
If my own situation has taught me anything it is to truly not judge someone else's choices and circumstances. At almost 40, I am just realizing how truly critical I have been regarding others' lives. I have spent almost 30 years as a professing Christian, and yet, I really have done a poor job of seeing others the way I think Jesus would.
My hero, Leonardo da Vinci, summed it up best:
"There are three classes of people. Those who see. Those who see when they are shown. Those who do not see."
I don't have a Sword of Omens, but I do hope I can be someone who sees clearly, especially when it comes to my assessment of others.
What this cartoon taught me at a really young age is sometimes we don't see life clearly. This has helped temper some depression I have had of late in terms of how family and former friends see me. When I came out, some of my family and friends acknowledged immediately I made a very difficult choice punctuated by some positive and negative decisions, but ultimately chose a path truer and healthier than I had previously. Some of my family and friends were upset and confused by my decision at first, but as they have talked to me and monitored my "new life" they, too, have come to understand why I did what I did. And others, no matter how hard I try and no matter the dialogue I try to encourage only see me as a failure, a sinner, a deviant and a bad father.
If my own situation has taught me anything it is to truly not judge someone else's choices and circumstances. At almost 40, I am just realizing how truly critical I have been regarding others' lives. I have spent almost 30 years as a professing Christian, and yet, I really have done a poor job of seeing others the way I think Jesus would.
My hero, Leonardo da Vinci, summed it up best:
"There are three classes of people. Those who see. Those who see when they are shown. Those who do not see."
I don't have a Sword of Omens, but I do hope I can be someone who sees clearly, especially when it comes to my assessment of others.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
The End of an Era: Don't Ask, Don't Tell is Over
When "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was first initiated, I remember thinking, "wow, that's progress. As long as gay men and women don't reveal their sexuality, they can serve their country."
Over time, I realized how wrong I was in my assumption. Over the years, countless men and women, who served honorably and in important roles, were dismissed from the military EVEN when they didn't tell. If someone else outed a squad mate, or if an officer even heard a whisper of same sex behavior, it ended up being grounds for dismissal.
I want to dedicate this post to my partner, Jason. Jason entered the military and was studying at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California. It was the early 2000s, and he was studying to be an Arabic translator; a very important role in our military, particularly the past decade.
Like everything else in his life, Jason was very dedicated. Any dating he did was private and on his own time. However, suspicions of his peers and the proverbial he said/she said led Jason to a very important decision. He did not want to somehow be outed, only to be dismissed. He wanted his interaction with the military to be on his terms.
Jason drafted a two page letter to his commander/sergeant/whatever they call him, first outlining all of his accomplishments in the military to date. He followed this with an admission that he was a gay man, and given the climate of Don't Ask, Don't Tell he would rather be honest and up front with the military than hide in the shadows.
As a result, Jason ended up with an Honorable Discharge. His life has since taken a very different track and he is successful in his current career.
But on this day, the day that Don't Ask, Don't Tell if officially repealed, I can't help but ask "what if?" Had my partner been allowed to finish his training and continue serving in the military, what good could he have accomplished? He's brilliant, and bold, but because he is gay he was deemed unworthy to serve a very important role for our nation.
To all of the men and women that have had their military service cut short because of Don't Ask, Don't Tell: thank you for when you were able to serve, and know our country would be better off if each and every one of you had been able to continue service.
Over time, I realized how wrong I was in my assumption. Over the years, countless men and women, who served honorably and in important roles, were dismissed from the military EVEN when they didn't tell. If someone else outed a squad mate, or if an officer even heard a whisper of same sex behavior, it ended up being grounds for dismissal.
I want to dedicate this post to my partner, Jason. Jason entered the military and was studying at the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, California. It was the early 2000s, and he was studying to be an Arabic translator; a very important role in our military, particularly the past decade.
Like everything else in his life, Jason was very dedicated. Any dating he did was private and on his own time. However, suspicions of his peers and the proverbial he said/she said led Jason to a very important decision. He did not want to somehow be outed, only to be dismissed. He wanted his interaction with the military to be on his terms.
Jason drafted a two page letter to his commander/sergeant/whatever they call him, first outlining all of his accomplishments in the military to date. He followed this with an admission that he was a gay man, and given the climate of Don't Ask, Don't Tell he would rather be honest and up front with the military than hide in the shadows.
As a result, Jason ended up with an Honorable Discharge. His life has since taken a very different track and he is successful in his current career.
But on this day, the day that Don't Ask, Don't Tell if officially repealed, I can't help but ask "what if?" Had my partner been allowed to finish his training and continue serving in the military, what good could he have accomplished? He's brilliant, and bold, but because he is gay he was deemed unworthy to serve a very important role for our nation.
To all of the men and women that have had their military service cut short because of Don't Ask, Don't Tell: thank you for when you were able to serve, and know our country would be better off if each and every one of you had been able to continue service.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Happy Anniversary: Two Years of Reflection
Today is exactly two years since I moved from Arkansas to California to begin a new life as an out gay man. I am celebrating by sitting in the McDonald's of the small town I lived with my ex-wife and kids. I just came from a wonderful visit with one of my former colleagues.
Before I left, I had helped design the new Performing Arts Center at the university I was a professor. Because it is an evangelical university, upon coming out as gay and announcing I was divorcing my wife I had to give up my professorship. One of my regrets is that I never got to see the completed Performing Arts Center.
My former colleague offered to give me a tour. I wept when I went inside. My thumbprint was obvious. The original layout had been my design the architects used to draw the final plans. On the wall by the entrance is the permanent commemoration plaque...and my name is present.
This means so much to me. I was worreid that being the gay professor that shamed the university would mean I would not be recognized for the hours and hours I spent designing and planning the building.
I will also be seeing my parents for the first time in 2 years at their home this evening. I invited myself. I don't know how things will go, but I miss my family. My dad had not even talked to me since I left until 3 weeks ago, and my brother Bryan will be present even though he hasn't talked to me at all since I left.
Exactly 2 years ago to date, I followed through with the hardest decision of my life. I didn't want to leave my daughters, but circumstances dictated otherwise. Two years ago, my oldest daughter tried hiding my luggage so I couldn't leave. My middle daughter sulked in a corner. My youngest reached out to me when I walked out the door.
I took a stuffed animal from each of them to keep near me. For two years, I have kept those animals beside my bed or curled in my arms when I sleep. For the past two years, I have only been allowed to see my kids for one weekend a month max, and it has been even less because I can't afford regular airfare with the child support I was gouged with upon moving.
Two years later, the child support is being legally changed and I will be fighting for my wonderful girls to be able to see me for extended periods of time, including visiting me in California.
So, happy anniversary to me: I took the road less travelled, and I know it will make all the difference.
Before I left, I had helped design the new Performing Arts Center at the university I was a professor. Because it is an evangelical university, upon coming out as gay and announcing I was divorcing my wife I had to give up my professorship. One of my regrets is that I never got to see the completed Performing Arts Center.
My former colleague offered to give me a tour. I wept when I went inside. My thumbprint was obvious. The original layout had been my design the architects used to draw the final plans. On the wall by the entrance is the permanent commemoration plaque...and my name is present.
This means so much to me. I was worreid that being the gay professor that shamed the university would mean I would not be recognized for the hours and hours I spent designing and planning the building.
I will also be seeing my parents for the first time in 2 years at their home this evening. I invited myself. I don't know how things will go, but I miss my family. My dad had not even talked to me since I left until 3 weeks ago, and my brother Bryan will be present even though he hasn't talked to me at all since I left.
Exactly 2 years ago to date, I followed through with the hardest decision of my life. I didn't want to leave my daughters, but circumstances dictated otherwise. Two years ago, my oldest daughter tried hiding my luggage so I couldn't leave. My middle daughter sulked in a corner. My youngest reached out to me when I walked out the door.
I took a stuffed animal from each of them to keep near me. For two years, I have kept those animals beside my bed or curled in my arms when I sleep. For the past two years, I have only been allowed to see my kids for one weekend a month max, and it has been even less because I can't afford regular airfare with the child support I was gouged with upon moving.
Two years later, the child support is being legally changed and I will be fighting for my wonderful girls to be able to see me for extended periods of time, including visiting me in California.
So, happy anniversary to me: I took the road less travelled, and I know it will make all the difference.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Relationships: Some Universal Advice
As many of my readers know, my relationship with my partner ended in the spring. For the record, most of the failure of the relationship was my doing and attributable to my baggage.
My mother recently gloated in the fact that she was "right": that because my relationship was a gay relationship it was doomed to failure.
The irony is that what damaged my relationship were the same three key areas noted for the failure of heterosexual relationships: financial, family and sexual issues.
First financial: I don't mind everyone knowing. When I divorced in 1999, in an attempt to get me to stay in the marriage my ex-wife demanded $2100 a month in child support. Because I felt guilty, I didn't get my own lawyer. You can do the math: the only job offer I received for the Northwest Arkansas Area paid a gross of $37,000 a year. I opted to move out to California because my partner offered to pay my living expense so I could afford to pay child support. In hindsight, my ex claims she would have charged me less if I would have stayed in the area, but you can be the judge of the motivation behind such a statement.
This, of course, started my new relationship off to a bad start. My financial baggage became a huge stressor in our relationship, and is one of the biggest obstacles we had to long term success.
Family issues also took a toll. My partner's family was great: accepted me, our relationship and provided a loving and supportive atmosphere. My family has not been so gracious. Although things are looking up (my dad called me for the first time last week since I moved) the time with my partner was riddled with heated phone calls and physical threats against my partner from my family. He wasn't used to such hatred and angst, and it messed with his comfortability with me as his partner.
Sexual issues were the third obstacle. Not in the perfunctory way, but all the baggage that came with me living a double life for 36 years and coming out late. There was an amazing learning curve, both as an individual and a new member of the gay community. I spent so much time NOT dealing with my struggle to gain a new identity I didn't realize all of the tension I was causing in my relationship through poor decisions. My partner has been out since 19 and in many ways he had taken on an adolescent as a partner.
I am now dating someone new and our relationship shows a lot of promise. Financially, my child support is being changed and I just secured a professorship at a local college with higher pay. Family wise, I am reestablishing a relationship with my dad and no longer need my parents approval (but still desire to have it!). And sexually, I am a confident, secure out gay man and know who I am and where I am headed.
So, no, my relationship did not fail because it was gay. My relationship failed because I allowed circumstances and situations to creep in and negatively affect the bond I had with my partner.
If I can be the partner I know I can be, and take ownership of those negative traits that can damage any relationship, then perhaps when I marry a man someday my mother will think twice about her assumptions.
My mother recently gloated in the fact that she was "right": that because my relationship was a gay relationship it was doomed to failure.
The irony is that what damaged my relationship were the same three key areas noted for the failure of heterosexual relationships: financial, family and sexual issues.
First financial: I don't mind everyone knowing. When I divorced in 1999, in an attempt to get me to stay in the marriage my ex-wife demanded $2100 a month in child support. Because I felt guilty, I didn't get my own lawyer. You can do the math: the only job offer I received for the Northwest Arkansas Area paid a gross of $37,000 a year. I opted to move out to California because my partner offered to pay my living expense so I could afford to pay child support. In hindsight, my ex claims she would have charged me less if I would have stayed in the area, but you can be the judge of the motivation behind such a statement.
This, of course, started my new relationship off to a bad start. My financial baggage became a huge stressor in our relationship, and is one of the biggest obstacles we had to long term success.
Family issues also took a toll. My partner's family was great: accepted me, our relationship and provided a loving and supportive atmosphere. My family has not been so gracious. Although things are looking up (my dad called me for the first time last week since I moved) the time with my partner was riddled with heated phone calls and physical threats against my partner from my family. He wasn't used to such hatred and angst, and it messed with his comfortability with me as his partner.
Sexual issues were the third obstacle. Not in the perfunctory way, but all the baggage that came with me living a double life for 36 years and coming out late. There was an amazing learning curve, both as an individual and a new member of the gay community. I spent so much time NOT dealing with my struggle to gain a new identity I didn't realize all of the tension I was causing in my relationship through poor decisions. My partner has been out since 19 and in many ways he had taken on an adolescent as a partner.
I am now dating someone new and our relationship shows a lot of promise. Financially, my child support is being changed and I just secured a professorship at a local college with higher pay. Family wise, I am reestablishing a relationship with my dad and no longer need my parents approval (but still desire to have it!). And sexually, I am a confident, secure out gay man and know who I am and where I am headed.
So, no, my relationship did not fail because it was gay. My relationship failed because I allowed circumstances and situations to creep in and negatively affect the bond I had with my partner.
If I can be the partner I know I can be, and take ownership of those negative traits that can damage any relationship, then perhaps when I marry a man someday my mother will think twice about her assumptions.
Friday, June 17, 2011
The Friendship Purge: A Lesson I Learned from Facebook
I just finished unfriending some contacts on my Facebook page. Every so often I have seen friends of mine post about their friendship "purge" and unfriending individuals for different reasons.
When I have seen such posts, my knee-jerk reaction has been "how mean!" But now that I have been out of the closet for almost two years, I realize that this Facebook practice actually has applicability in every day life.
There are individuals who were good friends of mine when I was a noted professor at an evangelical Christian university, a pious and stalwart leader in my church and an upstanding husband and father.
Some of these "friends" had the decency to rescind their friendship right when I came out. That's fine: they didn't like it or agree and didn't feel they could support me.
However, several of these friends offered to keep our friendship, even though they didn't agree with me coming out as a gay man. I thought these friends to be real troopers, loving me even though they didn't agree with me.
With a couple of exceptions. most of these have stopped contacting me, stopped returning my phone calls and have disappeared from my life. I had been grieving this until this morning, when I was reminded of the Facebook purge.
Just like with Facebook, sometimes, we need to clean up our home page. There are friends we have for life and others that are transitory that we have for a limited time. Mentally, I allowed myself this morning to purge those former friends who no longer consider me worth the effort of maintaining a relationship.
I find it is very seldom in life we ever have our interpersonal relationships put to the test. These men and women had declared themselves my friend at one point: what did they mean? For me, if I declare someone a friend I love them through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Since my life is now "ugly" to some of my former friends, I have been rejected and ignored. However, I don't have to be depressed. I simply "unfriend" those who do not love me as a friend should, and over time, add new friends to my life's contact list.
Thanks, Facebook. I needed the reminder.
When I have seen such posts, my knee-jerk reaction has been "how mean!" But now that I have been out of the closet for almost two years, I realize that this Facebook practice actually has applicability in every day life.
There are individuals who were good friends of mine when I was a noted professor at an evangelical Christian university, a pious and stalwart leader in my church and an upstanding husband and father.
Some of these "friends" had the decency to rescind their friendship right when I came out. That's fine: they didn't like it or agree and didn't feel they could support me.
However, several of these friends offered to keep our friendship, even though they didn't agree with me coming out as a gay man. I thought these friends to be real troopers, loving me even though they didn't agree with me.
With a couple of exceptions. most of these have stopped contacting me, stopped returning my phone calls and have disappeared from my life. I had been grieving this until this morning, when I was reminded of the Facebook purge.
Just like with Facebook, sometimes, we need to clean up our home page. There are friends we have for life and others that are transitory that we have for a limited time. Mentally, I allowed myself this morning to purge those former friends who no longer consider me worth the effort of maintaining a relationship.
I find it is very seldom in life we ever have our interpersonal relationships put to the test. These men and women had declared themselves my friend at one point: what did they mean? For me, if I declare someone a friend I love them through the good, the bad and the ugly.
Since my life is now "ugly" to some of my former friends, I have been rejected and ignored. However, I don't have to be depressed. I simply "unfriend" those who do not love me as a friend should, and over time, add new friends to my life's contact list.
Thanks, Facebook. I needed the reminder.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Workplace Freedom
Today was a crazy, busy day. I was out the door at 7 a.m., hopped the BART to Berkeley, and attended a regional meeting with 16 of my professional peers. I had a major presentation (which I kicked ass on, by the way) and the day of information and training ended in a wonderful meal at a New Orleans restaurant.
One of our regional managers was my original supervisor. As we were all at the table laughing and talking, she commented on how many of us had wore a shade of purple (a marketing color of our company). She said she felt out of place because she didn't own anything purple.
However, I remembered she had on a purle sweater with a white under shirt and reminded her of that first day. One of my coworkers (who I am close to) commented out loud, "If you didn't know he was gay before, you sure do now!'
For a moment time stood still. I felt myself catch my breath and my heart race. Although my immediate team knows I am gay I have not announced it to the larger regional team.
In what seemed an eternity, in which the old fear mechanisms of being a closeted gay man in the south kicked in for my self-preservation, I was ready to look around the table and see looks of disbelief and possibly shame.
As my internal clock once again shifted into actual reality, everyone had continued their conversations, laughing at my co-workers quip and then going back to other conversations.
There were no shocked visages. No furled brows. No scowls. This group of people did not care that I was gay; they cared I was good at my job.
In my old life such a proclamation by one of my co-workers would have resulted in immediate uncomfortableness, gossip and possible termination from my job.
In my new life, me being gay is not a hindrance. It is just a part of who I am. And just like my co-workers that are not impeded by heterosexuality, my homosexuality is not viewed as a trait to be changed, grieved or challenged.
My supervisor was not only impressed I remembered the color of her outfit, but went on to compliment me on my own attire, knowing I would appreciate the compliment. I settled back into conversation with my colleagues, thankful I have found comradery and acceptance.
One of our regional managers was my original supervisor. As we were all at the table laughing and talking, she commented on how many of us had wore a shade of purple (a marketing color of our company). She said she felt out of place because she didn't own anything purple.
However, I remembered she had on a purle sweater with a white under shirt and reminded her of that first day. One of my coworkers (who I am close to) commented out loud, "If you didn't know he was gay before, you sure do now!'
For a moment time stood still. I felt myself catch my breath and my heart race. Although my immediate team knows I am gay I have not announced it to the larger regional team.
In what seemed an eternity, in which the old fear mechanisms of being a closeted gay man in the south kicked in for my self-preservation, I was ready to look around the table and see looks of disbelief and possibly shame.
As my internal clock once again shifted into actual reality, everyone had continued their conversations, laughing at my co-workers quip and then going back to other conversations.
There were no shocked visages. No furled brows. No scowls. This group of people did not care that I was gay; they cared I was good at my job.
In my old life such a proclamation by one of my co-workers would have resulted in immediate uncomfortableness, gossip and possible termination from my job.
In my new life, me being gay is not a hindrance. It is just a part of who I am. And just like my co-workers that are not impeded by heterosexuality, my homosexuality is not viewed as a trait to be changed, grieved or challenged.
My supervisor was not only impressed I remembered the color of her outfit, but went on to compliment me on my own attire, knowing I would appreciate the compliment. I settled back into conversation with my colleagues, thankful I have found comradery and acceptance.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
A Tale of Two Moms
It's Mother's Day. I mailed my mom a card earlier in the week. I called her this morning, got her voice mail and left a nice message. Before I came out, the tradition with my mom is that I would by her a corsage for church. My brothers and I would then meet with her and have a nice lunch and spend the afternoon visiting.
My mom doesn't say much to me, now. Because I have accepted an identity as a gay man, from her theological perspective I am sinning: gay sex is a sin, divorcing my wife was a sin, moving away from my kids was a sin, etc. She believes I am going to hell, and therefore treats me as a lost cause. We don't talk much, and when we do she is very cold, very guarded and not the mom I grew up loving so much. I don't expect to hear back from her today.
In contrast, there is my friend Carl and the relationship he has with his mother. Carl has become a good friend and confidant recently, and as we got to know each other he told me about his mom. She was loving and supportive when he chose to become a Mormon after high school. When he announced his divorce from his wife and coming out as a gay man his mother questioned why he would marry and have kids with a woman if he was gay, but loved and supported him in his transition.
A couple of weeks ago I attended the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus concert. Carl is the Assistant Conductor and was also featured in a couple of vocal solos. Afterwards, Carl introduced me to his mom and other family members. When his mom saw him, she beamed. She hugged her little boy, praised him, congratulated him, and she welcomed me warmly as a new friend of Carl's. In turn, his dad, sister, and grand-parents showered him with love and were equally welcoming to me.
The evening left me very sad, and as I woke to Mother's Day this morning the evening once again played in my mind. I envy Carl. Has he made mistakes? You betcha. Has he made decisions his mom disagrees with adamantly? Oh, yeah. But a marked difference between the type of mother he has versus the type mine has chosen to become is that his mom tries to demonstrate unconditional love to her son.
My mom is in church right now, singing praise songs, finding solace in her Christianity and no doubt saying prayers as she grieves for the "loss" of her oldest son, begging God to "break" me and make me repentant.
Carl's mom is spending the day with him, anxious for his company and eager for the opportunity to spend time with her boy.
I saw a great quotation in the most recent issue of Out that describes the relationship with my mom perfectly: growing up I was my mother's shining gem; now I am her greatest embarrassment.
To my mom: your little boy misses you.
To Carl's mom: thank you for giving me hope.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!!!
My mom doesn't say much to me, now. Because I have accepted an identity as a gay man, from her theological perspective I am sinning: gay sex is a sin, divorcing my wife was a sin, moving away from my kids was a sin, etc. She believes I am going to hell, and therefore treats me as a lost cause. We don't talk much, and when we do she is very cold, very guarded and not the mom I grew up loving so much. I don't expect to hear back from her today.
In contrast, there is my friend Carl and the relationship he has with his mother. Carl has become a good friend and confidant recently, and as we got to know each other he told me about his mom. She was loving and supportive when he chose to become a Mormon after high school. When he announced his divorce from his wife and coming out as a gay man his mother questioned why he would marry and have kids with a woman if he was gay, but loved and supported him in his transition.
A couple of weeks ago I attended the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus concert. Carl is the Assistant Conductor and was also featured in a couple of vocal solos. Afterwards, Carl introduced me to his mom and other family members. When his mom saw him, she beamed. She hugged her little boy, praised him, congratulated him, and she welcomed me warmly as a new friend of Carl's. In turn, his dad, sister, and grand-parents showered him with love and were equally welcoming to me.
The evening left me very sad, and as I woke to Mother's Day this morning the evening once again played in my mind. I envy Carl. Has he made mistakes? You betcha. Has he made decisions his mom disagrees with adamantly? Oh, yeah. But a marked difference between the type of mother he has versus the type mine has chosen to become is that his mom tries to demonstrate unconditional love to her son.
My mom is in church right now, singing praise songs, finding solace in her Christianity and no doubt saying prayers as she grieves for the "loss" of her oldest son, begging God to "break" me and make me repentant.
Carl's mom is spending the day with him, anxious for his company and eager for the opportunity to spend time with her boy.
I saw a great quotation in the most recent issue of Out that describes the relationship with my mom perfectly: growing up I was my mother's shining gem; now I am her greatest embarrassment.
To my mom: your little boy misses you.
To Carl's mom: thank you for giving me hope.
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there!!!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Proud of My Boys!!!
In August 2009, after coming out as a gay men, I joined the Silicon Valley Gay Men's Chorus.
While I type this blog, I am watching/listening to the DVD of our most recent concert, "Boys in the Band". It was an exploration and celebration of the influence of all male groups on music.
As I watch the different numbers, I not only think of all of the blood, sweat and tears we put into this concert, but how dear this group has been to me as I have made my transition as an out gay man.
I think all of us in the gay community need a group to belong to which helps us feel a part of something bigger. Whether it is a choir, a church, a social group, an athletic team or other possibilities, sharing a common purpose and commradery can help us through tough times, introduce us to amazingly happy times and be a place of stability for the in-between times.
Currently, I am not allowed to tell my three daughters anything about my life. All they are allowed to know is I live in California. When this changes (and it will be changing...very soon) one of the first things I can't wait to share with my girls is my involvement with the chorus. My two oldest just had their first vocal/theatrical performance last night. They like to perform...they are chips off the ol' block. And I know when they watch the DVDs of concerts of me with the fellas it will make them happy. They won't care I'm gay...they won't care they are gay...they will love we create great music together.
Here's to my boys: I love you very much. Thank you for helping me keep a song in my heart.
While I type this blog, I am watching/listening to the DVD of our most recent concert, "Boys in the Band". It was an exploration and celebration of the influence of all male groups on music.
As I watch the different numbers, I not only think of all of the blood, sweat and tears we put into this concert, but how dear this group has been to me as I have made my transition as an out gay man.
I think all of us in the gay community need a group to belong to which helps us feel a part of something bigger. Whether it is a choir, a church, a social group, an athletic team or other possibilities, sharing a common purpose and commradery can help us through tough times, introduce us to amazingly happy times and be a place of stability for the in-between times.
Currently, I am not allowed to tell my three daughters anything about my life. All they are allowed to know is I live in California. When this changes (and it will be changing...very soon) one of the first things I can't wait to share with my girls is my involvement with the chorus. My two oldest just had their first vocal/theatrical performance last night. They like to perform...they are chips off the ol' block. And I know when they watch the DVDs of concerts of me with the fellas it will make them happy. They won't care I'm gay...they won't care they are gay...they will love we create great music together.
Here's to my boys: I love you very much. Thank you for helping me keep a song in my heart.
Friday, April 22, 2011
A Man of Many Birthdays
This past Tuesday, I turned 38 years old. I don't feel old, I don't look old, and yet I am accutely aware of the many years that have already passed. My 20 year high school reunion is this year!
My birthday, although very low key, was special. I worked during the day, taught a class in the afternoon and then had choir rehearsal. After choir, however, my boyfriend Chris, along with our good friends Shawn, Bruce and Nate, took me out to one of our favorite restaurants for appetizers and my favorite martini. We followed it up with some TV and visiting back at the house. It was a wonderful time of laughter and fellowship.
There are two other birth days I regularly keep in mind. The first is what I consider to be my "spiritual" birthday. I can remember the exact day I committed to being a Christian at the age of 10. I really do consider it a "re-birth" because it was at that point I tried to see people and their needs the way Christ did when he helped others.
I now regularly keep in mind another birthday. On August 1st, 2009, I moved to California and started my new life as an openly gay man.
The birth analogy is actually perfect. The few months leading to my moving to California to be with Chris was a time of expectation. Just like when someone announces "I'm pregnant!", many anticipated me as a new arrival: a new gay man being born into the gay community.
There were also the pains of birth. Moving out to be with Chris was no fairy tale, and the time was frought with difficulties and many in my life trying to sabotage my efforts.
After a time of pain, circumstances "pushed" me into my new environment. Like a new born baby, I explored my new world, seeing it for the first time. I learned many lessons just like a baby growing into a toddler: clumsily, haphazardly, and sometimes wrecklessly.
My partner had no idea what he was getting into! After the honeymoon period wore off, the anticipation of this "new bundle of joy", Chris and I had to face I was really a child in many ways, trying to grow up quickly to adapt to my new life. More often than not, I was less a partner to Chris and at best a burdensome gay teenager he had to nurture and sometimes babysit.
2 years after Chris and I connected, I now feel as if I have finally hit adulthood. In many ways, the way I handled my coming out and subsequent months following was very juvenile. I texted my wife to tell her I needed a divorce (who does that?). I didn't get my own lawyer for the divorce and as a result I have limited access to my children and pay a ridiculous amount of child care. Being in a new employment environment, I ignored Chris and others when advice about restructuring my resume and cover letter was given.
The lists could go on and on, but in hindsight, I am not upset at my poor decisions. I believe each was inevitable. For 36 years I tried to live a straight life, and was actually pretty good at it! Coming out so late in life, I should have acknowledged there would be an adjustment period; a growth period. Instead I took the bull by the horns, refused to listed to guidance and counsel for others, and made a wreck out of some aspects of my new life.
Chris doesn't have to be a parent anymore, and I know he is grateful and relieved. I am now at a place where I am helping others in my previous situation come out with grace and success.
I will celebrate my phyical birth each year with friends and fun. I will always stay cognizant of my spiritual birthday, and use it to guide my life accordinly. But increasingly, everyday I am reminded of my "gay" birthday, and how, truly, I entered the world for the very first time: an infant, wide eyed, and ready to grow into the new world before me.
My birthday, although very low key, was special. I worked during the day, taught a class in the afternoon and then had choir rehearsal. After choir, however, my boyfriend Chris, along with our good friends Shawn, Bruce and Nate, took me out to one of our favorite restaurants for appetizers and my favorite martini. We followed it up with some TV and visiting back at the house. It was a wonderful time of laughter and fellowship.
There are two other birth days I regularly keep in mind. The first is what I consider to be my "spiritual" birthday. I can remember the exact day I committed to being a Christian at the age of 10. I really do consider it a "re-birth" because it was at that point I tried to see people and their needs the way Christ did when he helped others.
I now regularly keep in mind another birthday. On August 1st, 2009, I moved to California and started my new life as an openly gay man.
The birth analogy is actually perfect. The few months leading to my moving to California to be with Chris was a time of expectation. Just like when someone announces "I'm pregnant!", many anticipated me as a new arrival: a new gay man being born into the gay community.
There were also the pains of birth. Moving out to be with Chris was no fairy tale, and the time was frought with difficulties and many in my life trying to sabotage my efforts.
After a time of pain, circumstances "pushed" me into my new environment. Like a new born baby, I explored my new world, seeing it for the first time. I learned many lessons just like a baby growing into a toddler: clumsily, haphazardly, and sometimes wrecklessly.
My partner had no idea what he was getting into! After the honeymoon period wore off, the anticipation of this "new bundle of joy", Chris and I had to face I was really a child in many ways, trying to grow up quickly to adapt to my new life. More often than not, I was less a partner to Chris and at best a burdensome gay teenager he had to nurture and sometimes babysit.
2 years after Chris and I connected, I now feel as if I have finally hit adulthood. In many ways, the way I handled my coming out and subsequent months following was very juvenile. I texted my wife to tell her I needed a divorce (who does that?). I didn't get my own lawyer for the divorce and as a result I have limited access to my children and pay a ridiculous amount of child care. Being in a new employment environment, I ignored Chris and others when advice about restructuring my resume and cover letter was given.
The lists could go on and on, but in hindsight, I am not upset at my poor decisions. I believe each was inevitable. For 36 years I tried to live a straight life, and was actually pretty good at it! Coming out so late in life, I should have acknowledged there would be an adjustment period; a growth period. Instead I took the bull by the horns, refused to listed to guidance and counsel for others, and made a wreck out of some aspects of my new life.
Chris doesn't have to be a parent anymore, and I know he is grateful and relieved. I am now at a place where I am helping others in my previous situation come out with grace and success.
I will celebrate my phyical birth each year with friends and fun. I will always stay cognizant of my spiritual birthday, and use it to guide my life accordinly. But increasingly, everyday I am reminded of my "gay" birthday, and how, truly, I entered the world for the very first time: an infant, wide eyed, and ready to grow into the new world before me.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
The Story of the Gay Samaritan
As it turns out, it is now cheaper for me to fly into Dallas, Texas and get a rental car for several days than it is to fly directly into Tulsa, Oklahoma to visit my daughters.
A former student of mine contacted me 3 months ago and is in the process of coming out. Living in Dallas, he invited me to crash at his house so I could get up early and make the drive to Tulsa. We planned an evening of gay bar hopping, checking out the local scene and introducing him to members of the Dallas gay community.
When we left his parking lot to head to our first stop it was still light outside. We noticed on the side of the road three ladies trying desperately to change a flat tire. I could tell the car was jacked-up precariously and assistance was needed. I made a u-turn, pulled up behind, and got out of the car.
With a look of relief the ladies beckoned us over, praising God we stopped to help. Within ten minutes I had the car re-jacked, the old tire off and the new one in place. I'm sure I looked like some sort of deranged clothing ad, in my pearl buttoned plaid shirt and designer jeans but sufficiently covered in grease and grime including a slight smudge on my face. Calvin Klein eat your heart out...
Anyway, as I put away the tools one of the ladies beckoned us over, praising Jesus and wanting to pray a blessing over us. She did, and when she was finished and I was driving away her and her friends held hands in prayer thanking God for sending my friend and I to their aid.
My former student (always the philosopher) beat me to the thought: would those ladies still be as welcoming and gracious if they knew it was two gay men who came to their rescue?
I would like to think so, but I am far too familiar with southern evangelical culture to know what most churches say and believe about homosexuals, and I do wonder how the interaction would have been different if my friend and I said "Oh, we don't mind helping! The gay bars dont' really get hopping until 10, anyway!"
In hindsight, I regret not bringing it up in conversation somehow. I think if there we more situations in which gay men and women were interacting, helping, sharing, and laughing with the very people that speak against us we could provide real opportunities for a better understanding.
And not just from the gay perspective. Many gay people I meet are apathetic and sometimes hostile towards Christianity. As a gay Christian, I catch a lot of flack in various conversations. However, just as it is crucial the evangelical community understands not all gays are having sex in the streets and trying to convert children, the gay community needs to know the Christian community does a lot of good in the world and has some wonderful, loving representatives.
American society has an opportunity to flourish if members of the church/gay divide can remember basic humanity, help each other in need, and not let differences be the guiding force of interactions. Until that time, I'll continue to find those opportunites to live our my faith practically, help others, and hopefully be a good example for gays and God alike.
A former student of mine contacted me 3 months ago and is in the process of coming out. Living in Dallas, he invited me to crash at his house so I could get up early and make the drive to Tulsa. We planned an evening of gay bar hopping, checking out the local scene and introducing him to members of the Dallas gay community.
When we left his parking lot to head to our first stop it was still light outside. We noticed on the side of the road three ladies trying desperately to change a flat tire. I could tell the car was jacked-up precariously and assistance was needed. I made a u-turn, pulled up behind, and got out of the car.
With a look of relief the ladies beckoned us over, praising God we stopped to help. Within ten minutes I had the car re-jacked, the old tire off and the new one in place. I'm sure I looked like some sort of deranged clothing ad, in my pearl buttoned plaid shirt and designer jeans but sufficiently covered in grease and grime including a slight smudge on my face. Calvin Klein eat your heart out...
Anyway, as I put away the tools one of the ladies beckoned us over, praising Jesus and wanting to pray a blessing over us. She did, and when she was finished and I was driving away her and her friends held hands in prayer thanking God for sending my friend and I to their aid.
My former student (always the philosopher) beat me to the thought: would those ladies still be as welcoming and gracious if they knew it was two gay men who came to their rescue?
I would like to think so, but I am far too familiar with southern evangelical culture to know what most churches say and believe about homosexuals, and I do wonder how the interaction would have been different if my friend and I said "Oh, we don't mind helping! The gay bars dont' really get hopping until 10, anyway!"
In hindsight, I regret not bringing it up in conversation somehow. I think if there we more situations in which gay men and women were interacting, helping, sharing, and laughing with the very people that speak against us we could provide real opportunities for a better understanding.
And not just from the gay perspective. Many gay people I meet are apathetic and sometimes hostile towards Christianity. As a gay Christian, I catch a lot of flack in various conversations. However, just as it is crucial the evangelical community understands not all gays are having sex in the streets and trying to convert children, the gay community needs to know the Christian community does a lot of good in the world and has some wonderful, loving representatives.
American society has an opportunity to flourish if members of the church/gay divide can remember basic humanity, help each other in need, and not let differences be the guiding force of interactions. Until that time, I'll continue to find those opportunites to live our my faith practically, help others, and hopefully be a good example for gays and God alike.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Gay Men Don't Need Martyrs as Parents
When I came out as a gay man, my parents kicked Christ off the cross and hung themselves in His place. In response to accepting a life as an open gay man, my parents determined the only appropriate response was to turn away from their hell-bound soon and martyr themselves for their faith. As "good Christians", any acceptance of their oldest soon and his "choices" and "lifestyle" would be a violation of their religion. In turn, a cycle of self-persecution began.
I know there is a pile of ashes and sackcloth somewhere on my parents' property. There has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth, and my mom and dad are competing for Martyr of the Year.
Until today, dad had the lead. He has not talked to me once since I left Arkansas in 2009, and yet I hear from select family members he is deeply saddened and misses his boy. However, he has hung on his self-made cross for over 18 months. I haven't received a phone call, birthday wish or holiday greeting.
After this afternoon, Mom now safely leads the pack of those who turned away from me. I have tried, quite unsuccessfully, to keep a relationship with my mom. I love her deeply, and we understand each other on a level she would never be comfortable admitting. She has vacillated from the silent treatment to giving me a theological treatise on why I will be sitting on Satan's lap someday.
Today I called her out of the blue. Driving down the interstate I remembered how she made me the most amazing robot costume in 3rd grade. She worked so hard on it, and I was so proud to show off to my friends at school. In my state of nostalgia I reached out to the woman who gave me life. I got her voicemail, but a few minutes later my phone rang and the caller I.D. confirmed it was her.
I said "hello" probably a bit too lovingly and enthusiastically for someone steeped in the victim mentality. I received a rather cold and non-emotional "hello". I reminded her she had the freedom to call me at any time. She asked, quite slowly and pointedly, "What do we have to talk about?"
So, I just jumped right in. I told her about my work, and the public speaking classes I was teaching, and my upcoming legal proceedings with my ex-wife. My mom took advantage of the last topic to remind me what a "mess" I had made of my life, that I ran away like a "coward" like I always did and that I had caused irreparable damage to my children.
I endured her venom until she pole vaulted over my dad's position on the cross and empaled herself firmly on top with gusto, declaring, "I know the end times are near! If it wasn't for our grandkids, your dad and I wouldn't have a reason to live."
I had enough. Her self-pitying diatribe was more than I could take. I reminded her that not only had my younger brother, Shawn, cut himself off from my parents years ago, but that they had managed to estranged their oldest son because of their selfish interpretation of faith and Scripture. To shut me up, she knew where to strike, and randomly threw in, "...and don't talk about him (my partner, Chris) being the love of your life. I don't want to hear it." And in that last sentence the martyr had the last word. She said she needed to go and grocery shop then hung up the phone.
I came out as a gay man at 36 years; the most difficult decision I have made in my life. I gave up so much to be true to who I was meant to be, but have also gained in areas I never thought possible. However, my mom and dad have made my coming out about what they have experienced...what they have suffered...what they have endured as a result.
I understand that many parents have a difficult time accepting a child who comes out as gay, and I have empathy for any struggles parents may have. However, as a father myself, I know it is ultimately self-serving motivations that would cause any parent to reject a child. I love my 3 daughters and I can say with no hesitation they could become crack whores in Amsterdam and nothing...nothing would ever cause me to want to break relationship.
If parents of gay children can remove themselves from self-pity long enough to realize the lifetime of turmoil their child has journeyed we would end up with much healthier gay men and women. At almost 38 years old I still find myself fretting secretly what my parents believe and grieving my loss of relationship.
If my parents would decide to climb down from the cross and fulfill their role of providing unconditional love to me, their oldest son, I would celebrate and have one of my heaviest burdens lifted. Unfortunately, this will probably never happen, and my parents will kill any relationship with me because of a crucifixion of their own design.
I know there is a pile of ashes and sackcloth somewhere on my parents' property. There has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth, and my mom and dad are competing for Martyr of the Year.
Until today, dad had the lead. He has not talked to me once since I left Arkansas in 2009, and yet I hear from select family members he is deeply saddened and misses his boy. However, he has hung on his self-made cross for over 18 months. I haven't received a phone call, birthday wish or holiday greeting.
After this afternoon, Mom now safely leads the pack of those who turned away from me. I have tried, quite unsuccessfully, to keep a relationship with my mom. I love her deeply, and we understand each other on a level she would never be comfortable admitting. She has vacillated from the silent treatment to giving me a theological treatise on why I will be sitting on Satan's lap someday.
Today I called her out of the blue. Driving down the interstate I remembered how she made me the most amazing robot costume in 3rd grade. She worked so hard on it, and I was so proud to show off to my friends at school. In my state of nostalgia I reached out to the woman who gave me life. I got her voicemail, but a few minutes later my phone rang and the caller I.D. confirmed it was her.
I said "hello" probably a bit too lovingly and enthusiastically for someone steeped in the victim mentality. I received a rather cold and non-emotional "hello". I reminded her she had the freedom to call me at any time. She asked, quite slowly and pointedly, "What do we have to talk about?"
So, I just jumped right in. I told her about my work, and the public speaking classes I was teaching, and my upcoming legal proceedings with my ex-wife. My mom took advantage of the last topic to remind me what a "mess" I had made of my life, that I ran away like a "coward" like I always did and that I had caused irreparable damage to my children.
I endured her venom until she pole vaulted over my dad's position on the cross and empaled herself firmly on top with gusto, declaring, "I know the end times are near! If it wasn't for our grandkids, your dad and I wouldn't have a reason to live."
I had enough. Her self-pitying diatribe was more than I could take. I reminded her that not only had my younger brother, Shawn, cut himself off from my parents years ago, but that they had managed to estranged their oldest son because of their selfish interpretation of faith and Scripture. To shut me up, she knew where to strike, and randomly threw in, "...and don't talk about him (my partner, Chris) being the love of your life. I don't want to hear it." And in that last sentence the martyr had the last word. She said she needed to go and grocery shop then hung up the phone.
I came out as a gay man at 36 years; the most difficult decision I have made in my life. I gave up so much to be true to who I was meant to be, but have also gained in areas I never thought possible. However, my mom and dad have made my coming out about what they have experienced...what they have suffered...what they have endured as a result.
I understand that many parents have a difficult time accepting a child who comes out as gay, and I have empathy for any struggles parents may have. However, as a father myself, I know it is ultimately self-serving motivations that would cause any parent to reject a child. I love my 3 daughters and I can say with no hesitation they could become crack whores in Amsterdam and nothing...nothing would ever cause me to want to break relationship.
If parents of gay children can remove themselves from self-pity long enough to realize the lifetime of turmoil their child has journeyed we would end up with much healthier gay men and women. At almost 38 years old I still find myself fretting secretly what my parents believe and grieving my loss of relationship.
If my parents would decide to climb down from the cross and fulfill their role of providing unconditional love to me, their oldest son, I would celebrate and have one of my heaviest burdens lifted. Unfortunately, this will probably never happen, and my parents will kill any relationship with me because of a crucifixion of their own design.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Importance of Family to Gay Health
This past week, a cousin of my partner passed away from cancer. Starting Saturday, we entered a busy time of picking up family from the airport, traveling to the funeral location, and wrapped up today as we transported my partner's mom back to the airport.
As I reflect on the weekend, I am thankful for his family, for they have become my family as well. Since coming out in August of 2009, my father and two brothers have stopped talking to me. The relationship with my mom has been conflictual at best. She reminds me regularly her and my dad believe I am going to hell. She also breaks down in tears for "what I did to them".
I used to be the "golden child" in my family: the most educated, the most successful, the pride of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. Now in my family, I am the name that is not spoken, the person who doesn't receive birthday cards or holiday wishes, and the official "black sheep" whispered about at family gatherings.
My partner's family has now become my family, and as my relationship with his family has grown so has my general mental health. It is a difficult thing to be cut off from one's biological family. I didn't fully realize until recently how damaging the rift between me and my family has been to my emotional well being.
In order to move forward, I have had to allow myself to grieve the loss of my family. I have been able to accomplish this by embracing my "new" family. In this family, my relationship with my partner is respected; even by those who don't agree religiously or morally with homosexuality.
I know I am blessed, for many in my position would not be as fortunate in inheriting a surrogate family. This reality has caused me to consider how lonely it must be for many LGBT without the support of those who were trusted to be a safe haven growing up.
To my new family: I love you, I cherish you and I am proud to call you my own.
As I reflect on the weekend, I am thankful for his family, for they have become my family as well. Since coming out in August of 2009, my father and two brothers have stopped talking to me. The relationship with my mom has been conflictual at best. She reminds me regularly her and my dad believe I am going to hell. She also breaks down in tears for "what I did to them".
I used to be the "golden child" in my family: the most educated, the most successful, the pride of grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, etc. Now in my family, I am the name that is not spoken, the person who doesn't receive birthday cards or holiday wishes, and the official "black sheep" whispered about at family gatherings.
My partner's family has now become my family, and as my relationship with his family has grown so has my general mental health. It is a difficult thing to be cut off from one's biological family. I didn't fully realize until recently how damaging the rift between me and my family has been to my emotional well being.
In order to move forward, I have had to allow myself to grieve the loss of my family. I have been able to accomplish this by embracing my "new" family. In this family, my relationship with my partner is respected; even by those who don't agree religiously or morally with homosexuality.
I know I am blessed, for many in my position would not be as fortunate in inheriting a surrogate family. This reality has caused me to consider how lonely it must be for many LGBT without the support of those who were trusted to be a safe haven growing up.
To my new family: I love you, I cherish you and I am proud to call you my own.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Regrets of a Late Blooming Gay Man
Regret #1: No adolescence- I tried to live like a straight teenager, putting off many valuable lessons and experiences I should have been experiencing as a gay teenager.
Regret #2: Ignorance of gay history- I used to condemn gay man and woman and look down my nose at them...I know so very little about gay men and woman throughout history.
Regret #3: Missing my family- If I had come out earlier, my family would be further along. As it stands, I am alone. My family has largely abandoned me.
Regret #4: Short circuiting my finanical potential- I poured myself in to school and degree afet degree so I would not have to face the reality of being gay. I could be so much further along.
Regret #5: Torpedoing relationships- I hurt so many different women I dated, not the least of which was my wife of ten years. Now I have damaged the relationships with my partner recently because of my naivete and impetuousness. I have essentially been a gay teenager trying to contribute to a mature gay relationship...my partner deserved a man, not a boy.
Regret #6: Losing my daughters- I had no identity as a healthy gay man when I first came out; just an unhealthy one. I felt I deserved anything i got for divorcing my wife. I didn't even get my own lawyer. My ignorance prevented me from obtaining legal counsel and securing more visitation with my daughters.
I have many regrets, but I don't regret coming out. Even though my life right now is very complicated and I have been in a lot of pain recently, I would do it all over again. Coming out later in life has been very difficult. I am ready for some peace in the near future...
Regret #2: Ignorance of gay history- I used to condemn gay man and woman and look down my nose at them...I know so very little about gay men and woman throughout history.
Regret #3: Missing my family- If I had come out earlier, my family would be further along. As it stands, I am alone. My family has largely abandoned me.
Regret #4: Short circuiting my finanical potential- I poured myself in to school and degree afet degree so I would not have to face the reality of being gay. I could be so much further along.
Regret #5: Torpedoing relationships- I hurt so many different women I dated, not the least of which was my wife of ten years. Now I have damaged the relationships with my partner recently because of my naivete and impetuousness. I have essentially been a gay teenager trying to contribute to a mature gay relationship...my partner deserved a man, not a boy.
Regret #6: Losing my daughters- I had no identity as a healthy gay man when I first came out; just an unhealthy one. I felt I deserved anything i got for divorcing my wife. I didn't even get my own lawyer. My ignorance prevented me from obtaining legal counsel and securing more visitation with my daughters.
I have many regrets, but I don't regret coming out. Even though my life right now is very complicated and I have been in a lot of pain recently, I would do it all over again. Coming out later in life has been very difficult. I am ready for some peace in the near future...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
A Case of Need: Gay Couple's Counselors
Recently, two friends of mine went through a messy break-up. These two guys had been married for several years and seemed happy. Both are good looking, gregarious and seemingly had a solid relationship.
Shortly before Christmas it all came undone. One had cheated on the other. The one who cheated felt terrible and wanted to reconcile. The one cheated on began blabbing to anyone with ears and a pulse about what his husband had done.
My response was to recommend a couple's counselor. I was confident if I conducted a search for a gay couple's counselor I would be successful. I boldly assumed I could use online resources, networking and recommendations from other people to provide my friends with the names of several therapists.
Sadly, I could not find more than two therapists who work with gay couple's issues in the San Jose area. There were plenty who hung a shingle of helping with "gay issues", but none others with a specialization in gay partnerships. Although I am sure there are more my search was paltry.
This left me disturbed. There are many gay couples in Silicon Valley, but this is not reflected in the number of therapists focusing on gay relationships.
I asked my own therapist, who has practiced in the Bay area for 18 years, why he thought this was the case. His answer was simple: research on gay marriages, relationships and dating is less than 2 decades old, and most of this research is not taught in licensing programs.
Since moving to California, I have met several gay couples who have experience a lot of trials and tribulation in their relationship: affairs, loss of job, death in the family, financial pressures, etc. I am a big believer in therapy, but I can't help but wonder if these same gay couples I have come to know tried to seek help in their struggles only to find there was no one qualified to listen and provide guidance.
A friend came over the other night to our apartment who is about to finish the last of his 3,000 clinical hours so he can become a Marriage and Family Therapist. My advice to him: advertise specializing in gay relationships, and they will beat a path to your door! I told him my failed quest, and he agreed there was a niche therapists in the area had either missed or avoided.
Gay relationships, while unique, still need the basic maintenance of straight relationships. Perhaps as this counseling void is filled with more interested professionals, the gay community will become stronger. When damaged gay relationships are repaired and propelled to a hopeful future rather than being ignored and unrecognized, a powerful precedent is established for young gay and woman as they look to their own future partnerships.
Shortly before Christmas it all came undone. One had cheated on the other. The one who cheated felt terrible and wanted to reconcile. The one cheated on began blabbing to anyone with ears and a pulse about what his husband had done.
My response was to recommend a couple's counselor. I was confident if I conducted a search for a gay couple's counselor I would be successful. I boldly assumed I could use online resources, networking and recommendations from other people to provide my friends with the names of several therapists.
Sadly, I could not find more than two therapists who work with gay couple's issues in the San Jose area. There were plenty who hung a shingle of helping with "gay issues", but none others with a specialization in gay partnerships. Although I am sure there are more my search was paltry.
This left me disturbed. There are many gay couples in Silicon Valley, but this is not reflected in the number of therapists focusing on gay relationships.
I asked my own therapist, who has practiced in the Bay area for 18 years, why he thought this was the case. His answer was simple: research on gay marriages, relationships and dating is less than 2 decades old, and most of this research is not taught in licensing programs.
Since moving to California, I have met several gay couples who have experience a lot of trials and tribulation in their relationship: affairs, loss of job, death in the family, financial pressures, etc. I am a big believer in therapy, but I can't help but wonder if these same gay couples I have come to know tried to seek help in their struggles only to find there was no one qualified to listen and provide guidance.
A friend came over the other night to our apartment who is about to finish the last of his 3,000 clinical hours so he can become a Marriage and Family Therapist. My advice to him: advertise specializing in gay relationships, and they will beat a path to your door! I told him my failed quest, and he agreed there was a niche therapists in the area had either missed or avoided.
Gay relationships, while unique, still need the basic maintenance of straight relationships. Perhaps as this counseling void is filled with more interested professionals, the gay community will become stronger. When damaged gay relationships are repaired and propelled to a hopeful future rather than being ignored and unrecognized, a powerful precedent is established for young gay and woman as they look to their own future partnerships.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Gay Man as Villain: Modern Day Mythology
As a former straight-for-Jesus-closeted-gay-man-on-the-down-low, I became very comforable with villainizing openly gay men. It was part of my upbringing. My father was fond of saying all "fags" should be "shipped off to an island where they can kill each other off". I grew up viewing gay men not as human, but something a little lower on the evolutionary hierarchy.
When I realized as a young man I was gay, this villain motif led me down a path of self-loathing. I felt I had to hate who I was because I had been told about the "evil gay men":
Villains! Gay men led to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Villains! Gay men led to the fall of every major civilization no longer in existence.
Villains! Gay men are to blame for AIDS.
Villains! Gay men are out to recruit children.
I grew up believing gay men were a modern incarnation of the Boogey Man, the monster under the bed, the vampire/werewolf/mummy/Frankenstein abominations of our modern world. The myths mentioned above are largely perpetuated by members of the Christian faith who use a shaky interpretation of Scripture and gross misunderstanding of history to demonize an entire group of people in society.
Some Christian theologians may never accept gay people on moral grounds. However, for a religion so proud of seeking truth it so often peddles fear and misunderstanding about gay individuals from the pulpit, in writings and readings and in everyday interactions.
The truth about the gay community is the same as the straight community: you have conservatives and you have liberals. You have prudes and you have sluts. You have good parents and bad parents.
Many Christians who are so quick to dismiss the possibility of gay men having a place in matters of church and faith scoff at former myths justified by verses in the Bible: an earth-centered universe, aflat earth and left-handed people being evil are some of my favorites. Just as passionately as Christians in the past believed these to be "facts" and now history laughs, so too, someday, will the children and grandchildren of today's pious look back and shake their collective head at the ignorance of the well-intended but misguided myths of today's faith community.
When I realized as a young man I was gay, this villain motif led me down a path of self-loathing. I felt I had to hate who I was because I had been told about the "evil gay men":
Villains! Gay men led to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.
Villains! Gay men led to the fall of every major civilization no longer in existence.
Villains! Gay men are to blame for AIDS.
Villains! Gay men are out to recruit children.
I grew up believing gay men were a modern incarnation of the Boogey Man, the monster under the bed, the vampire/werewolf/mummy/Frankenstein abominations of our modern world. The myths mentioned above are largely perpetuated by members of the Christian faith who use a shaky interpretation of Scripture and gross misunderstanding of history to demonize an entire group of people in society.
Some Christian theologians may never accept gay people on moral grounds. However, for a religion so proud of seeking truth it so often peddles fear and misunderstanding about gay individuals from the pulpit, in writings and readings and in everyday interactions.
The truth about the gay community is the same as the straight community: you have conservatives and you have liberals. You have prudes and you have sluts. You have good parents and bad parents.
Many Christians who are so quick to dismiss the possibility of gay men having a place in matters of church and faith scoff at former myths justified by verses in the Bible: an earth-centered universe, aflat earth and left-handed people being evil are some of my favorites. Just as passionately as Christians in the past believed these to be "facts" and now history laughs, so too, someday, will the children and grandchildren of today's pious look back and shake their collective head at the ignorance of the well-intended but misguided myths of today's faith community.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
What is Integrity? Coming Out Versus Staying in the Closet
When I finally came out of the closet in 2009, I received a lot of criticism. I can accept the understandable concerns of having affairs on my ex-wife, my situation resulting in limited access to my children and damaging the reputation of the university I loved serving as a professor.
What I refuse to accept are individuals in my life accusing me of not having integrity in my current actions and choices. One of my former lovers and closest friends, married with children, was outed when my situation came to light. He had his chance to finally come out of the closet, but chose instead to "be the Christian man he should be", work on his marriage and forsake the "lifestyle" I was embracing. He wanted to be a man of "integrity". However, just this last month, a friend confirmed this Christian man of "integrity" was once again cruising Craigslist to find gay sex.
Another closeted gay friend I had become close to before my divorce had been planning his own coming out. He was considering looking for jobs in California or other large markets, securing employment then coming out to his family. This was his plan until the day I moved from Arkansas. Within a month he stopped returning my phone calls. Within two months he was not responding to Facebook chats. I finally reached him via phone. He informed me he was going to do the "Christian" thing, had started dating a young woman and he was thinking of asking her to marry him. He wanted to live a life of "integrity". As it turns out, she wised up after finding out he was gay, dumped him, and now he is back to living a closeted life, having gay sex on the side while parading as a straight man.
The definition of integrity is "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty". These two men have fooled themselves, their families and their churches into believing they are living supposed lives of integrity. However, their actions prove otherwise. Ultimately, it is what led me to my own coming out. I was so exhausted from living a constant lie, of never accepting myself as a gay man, that I craved integrity in my own life.
Integrity, true integrity, did not happen until I righted the wrong I committed against myself and everyone I have every loved: I pretended to be someone I wasn't. I don't take all of the blame. Many Christian churches force a dogma on congregations that there is no place for a gay man or woman unless he/she denies identity and tries to live as a "straight" person.
This notion funds and perpetuates ex-gay ministries, even as these ministries are featured in headlines with leaders exposed to having sex with the very men and women the leaders are supposed to be "healing". Ex-gay ministries are the anti-thesis of integrity, and are akin to holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a donut shop.
My coming out hurt a lot of people: my family, my ex-wife, my kids, friends and loved ones. However, continuing living a lie would have caused even more long term damage to all around me, my physical and emotional health, and to any intergrity I would desire for my life.
I can now claim a "soundness of moral character". Here's to my former friends who mistakenly believe they can claim the same.
What I refuse to accept are individuals in my life accusing me of not having integrity in my current actions and choices. One of my former lovers and closest friends, married with children, was outed when my situation came to light. He had his chance to finally come out of the closet, but chose instead to "be the Christian man he should be", work on his marriage and forsake the "lifestyle" I was embracing. He wanted to be a man of "integrity". However, just this last month, a friend confirmed this Christian man of "integrity" was once again cruising Craigslist to find gay sex.
Another closeted gay friend I had become close to before my divorce had been planning his own coming out. He was considering looking for jobs in California or other large markets, securing employment then coming out to his family. This was his plan until the day I moved from Arkansas. Within a month he stopped returning my phone calls. Within two months he was not responding to Facebook chats. I finally reached him via phone. He informed me he was going to do the "Christian" thing, had started dating a young woman and he was thinking of asking her to marry him. He wanted to live a life of "integrity". As it turns out, she wised up after finding out he was gay, dumped him, and now he is back to living a closeted life, having gay sex on the side while parading as a straight man.
The definition of integrity is "adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty". These two men have fooled themselves, their families and their churches into believing they are living supposed lives of integrity. However, their actions prove otherwise. Ultimately, it is what led me to my own coming out. I was so exhausted from living a constant lie, of never accepting myself as a gay man, that I craved integrity in my own life.
Integrity, true integrity, did not happen until I righted the wrong I committed against myself and everyone I have every loved: I pretended to be someone I wasn't. I don't take all of the blame. Many Christian churches force a dogma on congregations that there is no place for a gay man or woman unless he/she denies identity and tries to live as a "straight" person.
This notion funds and perpetuates ex-gay ministries, even as these ministries are featured in headlines with leaders exposed to having sex with the very men and women the leaders are supposed to be "healing". Ex-gay ministries are the anti-thesis of integrity, and are akin to holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a donut shop.
My coming out hurt a lot of people: my family, my ex-wife, my kids, friends and loved ones. However, continuing living a lie would have caused even more long term damage to all around me, my physical and emotional health, and to any intergrity I would desire for my life.
I can now claim a "soundness of moral character". Here's to my former friends who mistakenly believe they can claim the same.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)