The past couple of weeks, I have been intrigued by the polarization fueled by Indiana's recent law and the subsequent backlash of business and individuals against such a policy.
Friends and family have texted, emailed or called asking for perspective, and some had a very valid concern. One questions has repeated itself: Does this mean Christians who have a moral issue with homosexuality will be forced to accept it against their conscience?
Yes, and no. The Supreme Court has decided on numerous occasions that it is not in our country's best interest for business to deny access to a group of people based on an identifying trait. The days of "NO JEWS," "NO JAPS," and "NO BLACKS" are thankfully behind us, largely because our legal system circumvented hypothetical state laws that would allow for such prejudice under the guise of religious preference.
It was not that long ago that the Bible was used as a justification FOR segregation. And, a church in the United States can still, as a tenet of faith, believe such segregation to be God ordained. We have allowed a freedom of religious expression in our country unprecedented in most of history, and just like we allow churches to still exist that preach against the mingling of the races, our country will allow churches to exist that preach against homosexuals.
Churches, but not businesses, should be allowed that freedom.
Any business that puts up its shingles and opens it doors in this country is inherently tied to our federal government. The foundation of our country was to help establish not only freedom of religion but freedom FROM religion, particular in matters affecting the entire country.
It is not in the interest of the citizenry, a citizenry living in a capitalist and consumer culture, to be denied access to the goods and services of that culture. It is counterproductive, and would continue, in this case, to propel homosexuals as a disenfranchised class in our nation.
Why has the Indiana law been such a "bid deal?" I believe it is because of an awareness of the United States' history and fear of history repeating itself. After the Civil War, after a conflict that should have decided a hopeful future for all black Americans, the Jim Crow laws were established. Neither our government or its people were able to "get ahead" of these laws, and what resulted was decades of oppression and inequality.
The fear and the passion you are seeing from those of us that are gay is not because of cakes and pizza. Indiana's law was hastened as a response to our legal system determining Indiana had to recognize gay marriage. As this ruling and others like it will ultimately be upheld by the Supreme Court this summer, some Indiana legislators were trying to get a law on the books that would allow the capability of a wide range of discriminatory practices in business.
The backlash against this law is not God hating liberals wanting to persecute Christians.
On the contrary, the reaction of disdain has been because of the historical precedent of Christians in the U.S. using faith as a tool for veiled bigotry. In a nation that stands for the respect of multiple religions and standpoints, Christianity has had more sway than any other, even to the point of Christians trying to apply a sense of superiority to the country as a whole.
However, we are still a country where Christianity is ONE of the worldviews of our people, and not the SOLE worldview. If Christians are going to participate in and benefit from commerce, it needs to be for the benefit and availability of all of the people, and not just those deemed to be acceptable through the narrow lens of a singular faith.
Monday, April 6, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
Transitional friendships: A life reality that stings
For years in my Interpersonal Communication class, I have taught students about transitional friendships. These are friends that come into our life, the friendship flourishes, but because of a change of circumstance, the friendship wanes.
I have my students share examples from their own experience. Some say they lost a friend because of moving apart. Others say they lost a friend because their lives were headed in different directions. Some has said they lost friends when they got married. The list goes on and on.
The saddest part of the reality of transitional friendships is rather than both parties working to make transitions as realities shift, one or both decide it just isn't worth it.
During my time at John Brown University, I invested my time, energy and a significant part of my life into developing and mentoring students who became my friends.
One I sat with for countless hours at odd times as he bounced his thoughts and ideas about everyday life off of me and I him.
One I spent hours directing and training to help her become the actress she was destined to be.
One I coached rigorously, turning her from a timid spokesperson to a formidable debater.
One I worked side-by-side, the two of us accomplishing together more than we could separately.
One I encouraged to be the opinionated, strong woman she was becoming even though it was not encouraged in the school culture.
One I always defended, even though her many "sins" would make her a pariah if people had known her truth.
While in relationship with each of these men and women, as we developed deeper friendships, I would have never imagined each would become a transitory friendship.
What changed? I admitted I had been living a lie as a closeted gay man, divorced and decided to live a different truth.
As a result, the first barred me from attending his wedding, and cut off ties with me because I divorced my wife.
As a result, the second cut off communication, even as she now has openly gay friends.
As a result, the third refused to even hear my side of the story and ended our friendship.
As a result, the fourth severed ties because I was a much "different" person.
As a result, the fifth opted to not be assertive and simply "unfriended" me on Facebook.
As a result, the sixth, after moving to the same city as I in California and I asking her to get dinner responded, "We were friends then, but this is now. Let's just leave it at that."
These were all loving, intelligent, caring people who were my friends.
These were all loving, intelligent, caring people I still want to be friends.
These are all loving, intelligent, caring people who have used their faith to justify marginalizing me, our friendships and rationalize their own bigotry.
This will ultimately be where evangelicalism in America will have a "black eye" in history. Each of these former friends have used Christianity to defend ending a friendship simply because they disagree with my choices.
The irony is that I loved the first in spite of his nagging porn problem.
The irony is that I loved the second in spite of her not quite being the virginal epitome of womanhood to which she showed her public.
The irony is that I loved the third in spite of her being a flat out bitch to her peers.
The irony is that I loved the fourth in spite of his less than conventional sexual tastes.
The irony is that I loved the fifth in spite of her abusive past.
The irony is that I loved the sixth to the point of shielding her from repercussions she probably well deserved.
I have not been a perfect friend, but those in this post have motivated me to be more loving, flexible, understanding and willing to adapt to changes in friends' lives when they happen.
I miss these friends...I still love these friends...and if they ever seek me out, I will start our friendship anew.
Until then, it stings. Something will happen to remind me of the relationships I had and my heart aches.
I tell my students the reality of transitional friendships makes it difficult to form new friendships the older one gets. To be honest, those mentioned in this post have made me cautious about investing in new friendships.
However, I still make an effort, for I know not when a new friend will become a lifelong pal, or will be important for a time then vanish.
For my lifelong pals out there: thank you for making life's transitions with me. It helps take the sting away from those that cast me aside.
To my readers: your friendship is important to your friends. Love them, grow with them, and adapt with them...even when you disagree.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
My Job, My Ministry
Recently, students in an education class on my campus had to select a faculty member on campus to observe, interview and study his/her teaching. Several students were clamoring for me, but the instructor only let two observe.
During the interview portion, each had a similar question: "Do you view your job as more than just a job?"
After pausing for a second, I said, "Yes." I continued to declare I view my job as more of a ministry than a job.
Neither student had an evangelical background, so I explained what I meant. I told the students I see my influence and teachings as having life-long ripple effects. Whether it is a skill such as how to design an effective speech, or my modeling of how to be a compassionate and caring professional, I know I can effect the mental, emotional and physical well-being of my students.
It doesn't stop with the classroom. My peers and colleagues can also be positively influenced by my example in committee meetings, being visionary for our campus and demonstrating a strong work ethic.
I could die today, and know I have influenced not only members of this generation, but others to come. My hope is that my friends and family will have the type of employment that is not just a paycheck, but an investment in other people.
It helps to make every day going to "work" a pleasure, and not a chore.
During the interview portion, each had a similar question: "Do you view your job as more than just a job?"
After pausing for a second, I said, "Yes." I continued to declare I view my job as more of a ministry than a job.
Neither student had an evangelical background, so I explained what I meant. I told the students I see my influence and teachings as having life-long ripple effects. Whether it is a skill such as how to design an effective speech, or my modeling of how to be a compassionate and caring professional, I know I can effect the mental, emotional and physical well-being of my students.
It doesn't stop with the classroom. My peers and colleagues can also be positively influenced by my example in committee meetings, being visionary for our campus and demonstrating a strong work ethic.
I could die today, and know I have influenced not only members of this generation, but others to come. My hope is that my friends and family will have the type of employment that is not just a paycheck, but an investment in other people.
It helps to make every day going to "work" a pleasure, and not a chore.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
The Challenge of Gay Friendships
If there is one thing I definitively miss about pretending to be straight and being in the closet it was the ease I formed and maintained same-sex relationships.
I have not found the same to be true making friends now that I am out and part of the gay community. I have plenty of acquaintances, as well as men I call "friends." However, there is something often missing.
I feel there is much more deceptiveness, hidden agendas and half-truths in my friendships with gay men. If I am noticing it in others, then it leaves me to worry I may be exhibiting those traits as well.
I have had gay friends bail on hanging out with me, only to find out there was something (or someone) better to do. I have had friends give me a list of excuses why we cannot spend time together, only to discover those excuses were not actually real.
I shudder to think what happens to my single gay friends in dating. If gay friends have a propensity for avoiding honesty, gay dating must be a barrage of deception.
It could also be I had a non-normative experience with straight friends. However, I can say my closest straight friends have been more honest and forthright that most of my gay friends.
Is it bred from a culture of hiding? To some degree, all gay men I know had to hide who they were some period of time.
Is it the odd dynamic that a gay friend is also someone you can be attracted to? Does this color regular gay friendship transactions?
This blog entry is not about any answers, but truly about questions. Please comment on my Facebook or the blog itself if you have insights.
I have not found the same to be true making friends now that I am out and part of the gay community. I have plenty of acquaintances, as well as men I call "friends." However, there is something often missing.
I feel there is much more deceptiveness, hidden agendas and half-truths in my friendships with gay men. If I am noticing it in others, then it leaves me to worry I may be exhibiting those traits as well.
I have had gay friends bail on hanging out with me, only to find out there was something (or someone) better to do. I have had friends give me a list of excuses why we cannot spend time together, only to discover those excuses were not actually real.
I shudder to think what happens to my single gay friends in dating. If gay friends have a propensity for avoiding honesty, gay dating must be a barrage of deception.
It could also be I had a non-normative experience with straight friends. However, I can say my closest straight friends have been more honest and forthright that most of my gay friends.
Is it bred from a culture of hiding? To some degree, all gay men I know had to hide who they were some period of time.
Is it the odd dynamic that a gay friend is also someone you can be attracted to? Does this color regular gay friendship transactions?
This blog entry is not about any answers, but truly about questions. Please comment on my Facebook or the blog itself if you have insights.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Living Out Loud Meets Living In Silence: The Gay Generational Gap
When I started at Hartnell College in 2011, I made a conscience decision to be open and out about the fact I am a gay man. My colleagues were okay with it. My administrators were okay with it. Most importantly, the students were okay with it.
I was soon asked to be the faculty sponsor for the Pride Club on campus. Fellow faculty members began asking me to classes for various lectures on gay culture. Jason and I began speaking with the Rainbow Speakers: a regional group dedicated to educating the broader community about LGBTQ issues.
Being new to campus, I immediately started trying to find the other gay men on campus. In my naivete, I pictured how great it would be to have gay colleagues as an additional sounding board and support.
One of the first I noticed was an older faculty member I will call "Joe." It was obvious to me Joe was gay. A couple of colleagues even asked me in passing if I had "met" or "talked to Joe." It was clear to me, as it was obviously clear to the campus, that Joe was a gay man.
In my typical zest (followed by revelations I am over-eager sometimes), I approached Joe, introduced myself, and asked him if he would be willing to talk to the Pride Club. I told him I want to get a mix of generations on a panel so students could understand some of the history and social changes the gay community has endured.
He became notably uncomfortable, changing the subject. I though it was odd. Later that day, walking across campus, we crossed paths. He stopped, and informed me that he was not "out" on campus and he would appreciate it if I didn't draw attention to him.
It took me off-guard. I was dumbfounded. Never mind the fact that colleagues were fully aware he was a gay man, but he also had some stereotypical traits that were like a neon sign above his head. He sachets like he is walking a perpetual runway, and when he talks, any doubts are quickly removed.
Not sure what to say, I said, "Sure. No problem." With that, he walked away.
In 2 1/2 years, he has barely spoken to me since. His office is located by one of the administrator's I visit frequently, and I attempt to say hello and ask how he is doing. It is regularly met with as little interaction as possible.
I have been introduced to the reality that no matter how much society changes, or how accepting communities or the workplace becomes, some of the older generation of gay men has had to protect themselves for so long they simply keep their status quo of dealing with the world.
Another older gay man that I admire deeply, who has been with his partner for years, is out and active in the community and a notable activist of sorts, but in 20+ years has never come out to his kids and family.
Again, it's not like they don't know. For both of these men, I vacillate between empathy and frustration. For whatever reason, they do not want to admit to all stakeholders in their lives they are gay men. On the one hand, I rationalize it is because of fear, or consequences of trying before, or not wanting to upset the balance each has found. On the other, the brazen part of me is irritated that these men, in their own realms, could help extend, that much further, the acceptance of gay men in the world and they are choosing not to be transparent.
I wonder if any of my peers that have been out for some time, those approaching or in their 40s, feel the pressure to lead multiple existences?
As someone who led half a life being two different people, my honest hope is that the answer would be "no." Society and individual viewpoints of homosexuality are changing quickly, but for some, I have realized it just may never be enough to live life vulnerable.
I was soon asked to be the faculty sponsor for the Pride Club on campus. Fellow faculty members began asking me to classes for various lectures on gay culture. Jason and I began speaking with the Rainbow Speakers: a regional group dedicated to educating the broader community about LGBTQ issues.
Being new to campus, I immediately started trying to find the other gay men on campus. In my naivete, I pictured how great it would be to have gay colleagues as an additional sounding board and support.
One of the first I noticed was an older faculty member I will call "Joe." It was obvious to me Joe was gay. A couple of colleagues even asked me in passing if I had "met" or "talked to Joe." It was clear to me, as it was obviously clear to the campus, that Joe was a gay man.
In my typical zest (followed by revelations I am over-eager sometimes), I approached Joe, introduced myself, and asked him if he would be willing to talk to the Pride Club. I told him I want to get a mix of generations on a panel so students could understand some of the history and social changes the gay community has endured.
He became notably uncomfortable, changing the subject. I though it was odd. Later that day, walking across campus, we crossed paths. He stopped, and informed me that he was not "out" on campus and he would appreciate it if I didn't draw attention to him.
It took me off-guard. I was dumbfounded. Never mind the fact that colleagues were fully aware he was a gay man, but he also had some stereotypical traits that were like a neon sign above his head. He sachets like he is walking a perpetual runway, and when he talks, any doubts are quickly removed.
Not sure what to say, I said, "Sure. No problem." With that, he walked away.
In 2 1/2 years, he has barely spoken to me since. His office is located by one of the administrator's I visit frequently, and I attempt to say hello and ask how he is doing. It is regularly met with as little interaction as possible.
I have been introduced to the reality that no matter how much society changes, or how accepting communities or the workplace becomes, some of the older generation of gay men has had to protect themselves for so long they simply keep their status quo of dealing with the world.
Another older gay man that I admire deeply, who has been with his partner for years, is out and active in the community and a notable activist of sorts, but in 20+ years has never come out to his kids and family.
Again, it's not like they don't know. For both of these men, I vacillate between empathy and frustration. For whatever reason, they do not want to admit to all stakeholders in their lives they are gay men. On the one hand, I rationalize it is because of fear, or consequences of trying before, or not wanting to upset the balance each has found. On the other, the brazen part of me is irritated that these men, in their own realms, could help extend, that much further, the acceptance of gay men in the world and they are choosing not to be transparent.
I wonder if any of my peers that have been out for some time, those approaching or in their 40s, feel the pressure to lead multiple existences?
As someone who led half a life being two different people, my honest hope is that the answer would be "no." Society and individual viewpoints of homosexuality are changing quickly, but for some, I have realized it just may never be enough to live life vulnerable.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
I'll Be Home for Christmas?
As my readers will know, I have had a very rocky and mostly cut-off relationship from my parents and my brother since coming out in 2009.
Family events in the past few months have opened the door for me to reconnect with my family. As a matter of fact, I was going to get to celebrate Christmas with my family and my daughters Saturday, December 21. I fly in to see my girls that weekend, and we were going to make the hour and fifteen minute drive from Tulsa to Siloam Springs, Arkansas to be with my family.
For no good reason, the girls' mother has declared she is not "comfortable" with me taking my daughters out of state.
Never mind my parents are the only other people in the decree that I am allowed to have my girls be around.
Never mind that on my last visit, their mother allowed me to take them to Oklahoma City overnight: a further distance away than my parents.
Never mind, that for the first time five years, I would once again spend a holiday with my family and my daughters.
Even though the decree, and ultimately the court, will defend my right to spend time with my parents while I have my girls, the order may not come in time. If not, I will have to meet my parents somewhere in the state of Oklahoma, but not "home."
Mom, Dad, Bryan: I love you, and I miss you. I hope I get to come home.
If not, my only solace is from the song:
I'll be home for Christmas...if only in my dreams.
Family events in the past few months have opened the door for me to reconnect with my family. As a matter of fact, I was going to get to celebrate Christmas with my family and my daughters Saturday, December 21. I fly in to see my girls that weekend, and we were going to make the hour and fifteen minute drive from Tulsa to Siloam Springs, Arkansas to be with my family.
For no good reason, the girls' mother has declared she is not "comfortable" with me taking my daughters out of state.
Never mind my parents are the only other people in the decree that I am allowed to have my girls be around.
Never mind that on my last visit, their mother allowed me to take them to Oklahoma City overnight: a further distance away than my parents.
Never mind, that for the first time five years, I would once again spend a holiday with my family and my daughters.
Even though the decree, and ultimately the court, will defend my right to spend time with my parents while I have my girls, the order may not come in time. If not, I will have to meet my parents somewhere in the state of Oklahoma, but not "home."
Mom, Dad, Bryan: I love you, and I miss you. I hope I get to come home.
If not, my only solace is from the song:
I'll be home for Christmas...if only in my dreams.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
The Generational Divide: When Being Gay is Just Not a Big Deal
Last week, I traveled to New Mexico to be with my grandmother. Her husband of thirteen years, Rob Hampton, my step-grandpa, passed from health complications.
I thought Jason was going to need to tranquilize me leading up to the trip. This was the first family function I would be attending since coming out in 2009.
I didn't know what to expect. My parents have cut me off, one of my aunts sent me a text making sure I wasn't going to parade my "sin" at the funeral (that is, not bring my partner) and I wasn't sure how the extended family would treat me.
Everything with the older members of my family was completely civil. I was graciously tolerated, and I knew as long as I didn't talk about my sinful lifestyle peace would remain.
However, multiple members of my extended family, particularly the younger generation, not only welcomed me warmly but WANTED to know more about my life, my fiance, when were getting married, the situation with my daughters, etc.
What I realized is that for most of the younger members of my family, me being gay just is NOT a big deal. Furthermore, the younger members of the family felt they could relate to me because I wasn't going to judge them for decisions they have made in their own lives that have caused family controversy.
I was allowed to visit, participate and be included more in the family activities of the weekend because of these young family members. It helped center me, relax me and I had a great time.
The older generation was on their best behavior, including my parents who actually talked to me. However, I was reminded not all is well as I was literally saying my last goodbye. As I hugged my grandma goodbye, she gave me an article the entire family received and she wanted me to read it. Rather than just allowing me to leave respecting the older generation's opinion and they, mine, this article asserted how damaging and threatening gay marriage is to society. It was, quite frankly, a shitty send-off.
Thanks to the younger supportive members of my family, I took the article in stride and put it to good use. It served as a great coaster for my beer I sipped upon my return, curled up next to the man I loved, hoping there are no more family funerals any time soon.
Thanks to the younger supportive members of my family, I took the article in stride and put it to good use. It served as a great coaster for my beer I sipped upon my return, curled up next to the man I loved, hoping there are no more family funerals any time soon.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Four Years Ago: A Letter to the Christian University I Loved
Today, I sent this letter to my former colleagues at John Brown University. JBU is an evangelical, private Christian university that has a Lifestyle Contract for students, faculty, staff and administration forbidding homosexuality:
Four years ago I was one of the most sought after professors at JBU. Students loved my classes and felt challenged, and to this day many continue to seek me out to thank me for my influence.
Four years ago I was one of the most sought after professors at JBU. Students loved my classes and felt challenged, and to this day many continue to seek me out to thank me for my influence.
Four years ago I was respected by most of my peers at JBU. In my 8 years on campus, I helped spearhead multiple initiatives, including a nationally ranked Speech and Debate Team, Film Library, formation of a new minor and major, as well as the Performing Arts Building. For those of you I did not have the privilege of knowing, all you have to do is enter "Jason Hough" and "John Brown University" in Google for pages and proof of the dedication I had to the campus.
Four years ago I was in my tenth year of marriage, having recently celebrated the second birthday of the youngest of my three daughters.
Four years ago, after years of counseling, reparative therapy and even temporary chemical castration with my former spouse's blessing, I finally accepted I was a gay man, divorced my wife and resigned my post at JBU.
Four years ago the majority of Americans did not support gay marriage. Four years ago Exodus International was still the largest international promoter of reparative therapy. Four years ago gay couples had no federal protection.
Now we are at today. The majority of Americans support gay marriage, Exodus International has closed its doors and issued public apologies for its work, When I marry my partner and fiance next summer we will be recognized in our state and by our country.
I write this not to boast, not to try to persuade you away from your individual theology or to even think any better of me for a decision that hurt many of you as well as the students I loved so dearly. I write this to challenge you to work towards a JBU that leads the discussion in Christian higher education on the place of LGBT students in the church and theology. I write this to challenge you to work towards a JBU that acknowledges it has had gay administration, faculty and staff that not only made JBU a better place in the past, but that there are still gay administration, faculty and staff serving the institution currently in hiding for fear of losing their jobs and ministry.
I made many mistakes during the time I spent hiding my sexuality. I hurt people in the process. But those who knew me also know that in spite of the Jekyll and Hyde existence I lived, I made JBU a better place.
I am now on a tenure track at another institution in California. I am still doing what I love, but there will always be a hole where JBU was. In many ways, I ate, drank and slept JBU. The time for deciding where JBU will go in the future in its theology, standards and treatment of LGBT students, administration, faculty and staff is now, and it is in your hands.
JBU is never far from my thoughts and some of my best memories.
Jason Hough, former Assistant Professor of Communication at JBU
Monday, June 17, 2013
No more Samsonite: When Baggage Sticks Around
It's been almost four years since I came out as a gay man. I have had my share of ups and downs. I have learned so much, not just about myself but other people as well.
Just about the time I think I have taken care of any baggage left from my former life or my coming out process, something happens that reminds me that some baggage sticks around a lot longer than others.
I have decided to label these issues as my Samsonite baggage. Growing up, I remember many ads of Samsonite luggage standing up to a beating from a gorilla, being ran over by a truck and dropped off a plane. Again and again, the Samsonite baggage remained intact.
Just like that luggage, a couple of incidents recently have reminded me I still have (and probably will have) some long-term baggage that colors my interpersonal relationships and personal decision making. Even though I have tried to destroy all the baggage from my past, some of it is very durable.
I have realized that coming out as late as I did I am "behind" in some areas of gay maturity compared to many of my peers. That would be my Samsonite carry-on. When it comes to really being confident and owning who I am as a gay man I am still often timid. That would be my Samsonite that gets stowed above the seat. Day-to-day living, from my partner to my close friends, and trying to think of the needs of others as I think of my own: I am severely lacking. For so many years, I put all of my own wants and needs aside to meet the expectations of others, I believe sometimes now I am flat out selfish and pig-headed with what I want. This is the big Samsonite bag I have to pay extra for.
My grandparents had a Samsonite suitcase passed down to my mother and then passed down to me. That luggage lasted across three generations, countless miles and multiple destinations. I would still have that Samsonite if I had not gotten rid of it in a yard sale.
I know the only way to get rid of some of my current baggage is to get rid of it. If I don't, it will stick around much longer than it should.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Much Ado About Nothing: the Supreme Court Hype
What a week! News media was abuzz with the Supreme Court cases concerning the California Prop 8 case and the Defense of Marriage Act. Pro-gay marriage friends and family changed their profile pic to the equality symbol; anti-gay marriage friends and family changed their profile pic to something, well, less equal.
Both sides of this issue have been alternating between shouts of praise and groans of disappointment as the justices heard opening arguments. My gay friends have largely been in knots asking questions. Will they strike down Prop 8? Will D.O.M.A. be found unconstitutional? Will gays be allowed to marry?
In all of the hoopla, I have tried to emphasize that regardless of what the Supreme Court decides now, gay marriage in the U.S. will be a reality. It is no longer a matter of "if," but a matter of "when."
Public opinion on the issue continues growing, increasingly supportive of gay marriage. Straight men and women from all walks of life and backgrounds have realized family, friends, neighbors and co-workers are gay. Contrary to the misapplied lesson of Sodom from Scripture, our society has not imploded or crumbled as a result of gay men and women coming out of the shadows and into the light of our culture.
As with so many other major social shifts in our country (women's right to vote and be educated, desegregation and interracial relationships, etc.) the issue of gay marriage has now reached a "critical mass" of approval from the majority of the American public. Whether it is in the next year or the next several, gay marriage will be allowed and many will be left scratching their heads in the future, wondering, "What was the big deal?"
For those opposing same-sex marriage from a faith based perspective, this must be a scary time. They are now in the minority. As a result, some who still oppose are now asking tough questions of their leaders, their holy documents and faith in general.
While I can't speak to all religions, I can comfortably speak from an evangelical Christian perspective. Regardless of your scriptural viewpoint of homosexuality, look to Christ's example. He didn't bludgeon the people into some sort of value-based submission. He didn't rant and rave because people were not living the way he wanted. Christ's example was not one of trying to manipulate culture and make everyone fall in line with "Christian" standards. His way was to model a life of love, living a life differently, and INVITING others to follow him; not forcing.
Perhaps what I am most excited about is that this issue, so long held captive by evangelical leaders in this country as a tool of fear and propaganda, is slowly losing its sway on the people of this country. Watching the cases play out in the Supreme Court makes for high drama, but I realize the bigger story has already taken place in this country.
Gay rights are no longer an academic pursuit. Gay rights are now being woven into the fabric of populist American society. Regardless of all the hype this week, the battle has already been won.
Both sides of this issue have been alternating between shouts of praise and groans of disappointment as the justices heard opening arguments. My gay friends have largely been in knots asking questions. Will they strike down Prop 8? Will D.O.M.A. be found unconstitutional? Will gays be allowed to marry?
In all of the hoopla, I have tried to emphasize that regardless of what the Supreme Court decides now, gay marriage in the U.S. will be a reality. It is no longer a matter of "if," but a matter of "when."
Public opinion on the issue continues growing, increasingly supportive of gay marriage. Straight men and women from all walks of life and backgrounds have realized family, friends, neighbors and co-workers are gay. Contrary to the misapplied lesson of Sodom from Scripture, our society has not imploded or crumbled as a result of gay men and women coming out of the shadows and into the light of our culture.
As with so many other major social shifts in our country (women's right to vote and be educated, desegregation and interracial relationships, etc.) the issue of gay marriage has now reached a "critical mass" of approval from the majority of the American public. Whether it is in the next year or the next several, gay marriage will be allowed and many will be left scratching their heads in the future, wondering, "What was the big deal?"
For those opposing same-sex marriage from a faith based perspective, this must be a scary time. They are now in the minority. As a result, some who still oppose are now asking tough questions of their leaders, their holy documents and faith in general.
While I can't speak to all religions, I can comfortably speak from an evangelical Christian perspective. Regardless of your scriptural viewpoint of homosexuality, look to Christ's example. He didn't bludgeon the people into some sort of value-based submission. He didn't rant and rave because people were not living the way he wanted. Christ's example was not one of trying to manipulate culture and make everyone fall in line with "Christian" standards. His way was to model a life of love, living a life differently, and INVITING others to follow him; not forcing.
Perhaps what I am most excited about is that this issue, so long held captive by evangelical leaders in this country as a tool of fear and propaganda, is slowly losing its sway on the people of this country. Watching the cases play out in the Supreme Court makes for high drama, but I realize the bigger story has already taken place in this country.
Gay rights are no longer an academic pursuit. Gay rights are now being woven into the fabric of populist American society. Regardless of all the hype this week, the battle has already been won.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Note to My Pastor: A Critique on a "Gay" Sermon
Out of love and respect for my dear friend, I have reduced this post to this:
Pastor, do your job. Not the job that is convenient, not the job you think people want to hear, not the job that will keep you in your church.
You've done it before, you'll do it again.
ALL my love,
Jason
Pastor, do your job. Not the job that is convenient, not the job you think people want to hear, not the job that will keep you in your church.
You've done it before, you'll do it again.
ALL my love,
Jason
Monday, January 21, 2013
The President's Inaugural Address: This Time it was Personal
Barack Obama just completed his inaugural address. As an educator, I have listened to inaugural addresses since the 90s. As I type this entry, I am still wiping away tears. This time, the inaugural address, in part, was about me and people I love.
This is the first time an inaugural address has set forth gay rights as important as other rights this country should protect. I wasn't expecting it. As President Obama mentioned protecting the rights of his "gay brothers and sisters," and mentioned the Stonewall Riots as one of the historic civil rights movements of our nation, I paused for reflection.
For years I didn't come out because I was so afraid of rejection from both my family and church. Now that I am out, due to marry an awesome man this next year and am aself-declared happy gay man, I still have fears.
I worry when Jason and I visit a state without gay rights of something happening to one of us and not being able to visit one another in the hospital.
I worry about our financial future, not able to take advantage of the same financial standards that heterosexual couples enjoy.
I worry about how long I can be kept from my children and have to hide the truth of my life simply because I am gay.
President Obama took a stand today, and tied gay rights to the standards our forefathers placed in the Constitution.
I was already close to tears by the end of his speech, but the tears flowed as, in the closing prayer, gay men and women were included in the prayer's words.
The President made it clear that debates of gay versus straight will be relegated to where they should be: in the church, but not U.S. society. He made it clear the Constitution of this country protects MY rights as a gay man, and that includes life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Thank you, Mr. Obama: you have paved the way to make my pursuit that much easier.
This is the first time an inaugural address has set forth gay rights as important as other rights this country should protect. I wasn't expecting it. As President Obama mentioned protecting the rights of his "gay brothers and sisters," and mentioned the Stonewall Riots as one of the historic civil rights movements of our nation, I paused for reflection.
For years I didn't come out because I was so afraid of rejection from both my family and church. Now that I am out, due to marry an awesome man this next year and am aself-declared happy gay man, I still have fears.
I worry when Jason and I visit a state without gay rights of something happening to one of us and not being able to visit one another in the hospital.
I worry about our financial future, not able to take advantage of the same financial standards that heterosexual couples enjoy.
I worry about how long I can be kept from my children and have to hide the truth of my life simply because I am gay.
President Obama took a stand today, and tied gay rights to the standards our forefathers placed in the Constitution.
I was already close to tears by the end of his speech, but the tears flowed as, in the closing prayer, gay men and women were included in the prayer's words.
The President made it clear that debates of gay versus straight will be relegated to where they should be: in the church, but not U.S. society. He made it clear the Constitution of this country protects MY rights as a gay man, and that includes life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Thank you, Mr. Obama: you have paved the way to make my pursuit that much easier.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Happy Holiday Housewarming: A Great Microcosm of Ideal Life
Jason and I had a great housewarming/holiday part this last weekend. Over 60 guests came to our home and definitely helped to "warm" it for the holidays.
At one point between replenishing the jalapeno wontons and opening another bottle of Chardonnay, I looked around our kitchen, into our living room and onto the front porch.
There were faculty and staff from my college. Several of our neighbors were mingling and visiting. We had friends from Santa Cruz, San Jose, Monterey, Carmel and even a friend travelling through from Arkansas.
What I loved about this tableau is that there were no issues of gay or straight, poor or rich, religious or not. All I could see were people that we cared about, that cared about us, and everyone was having a great time.
This helps take the sting out of this time of year for me. My immediate family has still cut off all communication. My extended family has worsened communication with me. Recently, my grandmother was thrown a big, surprise 90th birthday party. I wasn't invited for fear I would show up with my "friend." Some friends I invested a lot of time and sharing have cut me off as well.
However, when I looked around at the smiling faces in my home, I was reminded of how blessed my life really is and how I wish some of these family and friends could have witnessed the wonderful people which help color mine and Jason's daily lives.
Happy holidays to all!
At one point between replenishing the jalapeno wontons and opening another bottle of Chardonnay, I looked around our kitchen, into our living room and onto the front porch.
There were faculty and staff from my college. Several of our neighbors were mingling and visiting. We had friends from Santa Cruz, San Jose, Monterey, Carmel and even a friend travelling through from Arkansas.
What I loved about this tableau is that there were no issues of gay or straight, poor or rich, religious or not. All I could see were people that we cared about, that cared about us, and everyone was having a great time.
This helps take the sting out of this time of year for me. My immediate family has still cut off all communication. My extended family has worsened communication with me. Recently, my grandmother was thrown a big, surprise 90th birthday party. I wasn't invited for fear I would show up with my "friend." Some friends I invested a lot of time and sharing have cut me off as well.
However, when I looked around at the smiling faces in my home, I was reminded of how blessed my life really is and how I wish some of these family and friends could have witnessed the wonderful people which help color mine and Jason's daily lives.
Happy holidays to all!
Monday, October 1, 2012
Cliques Aren't Just in High School
For years, I have taught students in my Interpersonal Communication class cliques are not just a high school thing. Adults often form cliques as well, and they can be as petty and frustrating as any from teenage days of yore.
Don't get me wrong: having a core group of friends is healthy and can be a great support. However, when this identity prevents the formation of new friendships and the group self-protects from new members, these are often red flags.
Three years into the gay community, and I can say, at least for the San Francisco/San Jose area, gay cliques are a research area begging for a Jane Goodall type of field study. I am not an anthropologist, but here are my field notes thus far:
Gay Christians: With a cohesion and a near cult impenetrability, I have been privy to three different groups of guys, each group from its own church, over the past three years. I identify as a Christian, and I attempted to get to know guys in two of these groups and find a church home. I was never invited to a lunch, or coffee, or dinner. With one such group, I inadvertently was on the receiving end of the clique mentality and judging certain decisions I had made. It became clear I wasn't "Christian enough" for this particular group.
The "we have more money than we know what to do with and you don't" group: Members of this type of gay clique in the Bay area are really frustrating. At first, they welcome you in and invite you out to really expensive dinners, outings, even over to their homes for gatherings. However, the interest in you wanes after you have to start saying "no" to last minute trips to Tahoe, regularly declining $100 evenings out and have to establish budget boundaries. I found several guys I connected with, but very quickly the phone calls, texting and email invites stopped.
The "we are couples who like to play together" group: This one was a surprise for me. I have met an entire group of couples that have open relationships. Defined: they have sex with other people outside of their relationship. There was immediate interest, particularly in Jason and I as a couple. However, when we were asked or it came out we are monogamous, suddenly we weren't invited to parties or gatherings any longer.
There are more, and each equally fascinating. Music aficionados, techno geeks, Disney worshipers A-list bears, etc. I know I am not alone in my observations because other gay men in the Bay area have expressed as much.
I find it odd that anyone in the gay community, a community which historically prided itself in acceptance and diversity, would work so hard to form exclusive sub-groups.
Thoughts?
Don't get me wrong: having a core group of friends is healthy and can be a great support. However, when this identity prevents the formation of new friendships and the group self-protects from new members, these are often red flags.
Three years into the gay community, and I can say, at least for the San Francisco/San Jose area, gay cliques are a research area begging for a Jane Goodall type of field study. I am not an anthropologist, but here are my field notes thus far:
Gay Christians: With a cohesion and a near cult impenetrability, I have been privy to three different groups of guys, each group from its own church, over the past three years. I identify as a Christian, and I attempted to get to know guys in two of these groups and find a church home. I was never invited to a lunch, or coffee, or dinner. With one such group, I inadvertently was on the receiving end of the clique mentality and judging certain decisions I had made. It became clear I wasn't "Christian enough" for this particular group.
The "we have more money than we know what to do with and you don't" group: Members of this type of gay clique in the Bay area are really frustrating. At first, they welcome you in and invite you out to really expensive dinners, outings, even over to their homes for gatherings. However, the interest in you wanes after you have to start saying "no" to last minute trips to Tahoe, regularly declining $100 evenings out and have to establish budget boundaries. I found several guys I connected with, but very quickly the phone calls, texting and email invites stopped.
The "we are couples who like to play together" group: This one was a surprise for me. I have met an entire group of couples that have open relationships. Defined: they have sex with other people outside of their relationship. There was immediate interest, particularly in Jason and I as a couple. However, when we were asked or it came out we are monogamous, suddenly we weren't invited to parties or gatherings any longer.
There are more, and each equally fascinating. Music aficionados, techno geeks, Disney worshipers A-list bears, etc. I know I am not alone in my observations because other gay men in the Bay area have expressed as much.
I find it odd that anyone in the gay community, a community which historically prided itself in acceptance and diversity, would work so hard to form exclusive sub-groups.
Thoughts?
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Why Not Gay Marriage? We Have the Worse...
While we wait for our house to close, Jason and I are in a motel in Soledad, California with our dog Amber, our turtle Bentley, a few changes of clothes and the amount of food that can fit in a small dorm size fridge and be cooked in a microwave.
We have had a lot of challenges the past month. Both under a lot of stress, technically homeless, both fighting colds, unsettled: it has been a rough road.
Although it have been difficult, I have never been happier.
There is something about sharing this journey with Jason I find rewarding and exciting. I like that we have committed our lives to one another, and times such of this truly make us a couple.
There are those opposed to gay marriage , somehow justifying that a gay relationship can't mirror a straight marriage.
However, if marriage is "for better or for worse," I have been privy to several gay couples that have been through the bad times, and are still committed to sharing the positive and the negative life can dish.
The more gay couples I meet, the more I see that marriage for a gay couple is really just a legal formality with some extra benefits. It doesn't make a gay relationship any more real to the couple, because each is already living for better or for worse.
And by that definition, a couple, gay or otherwise, is already married in my book.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Facing Truth: The Power of Writing a Memoir
Today, my memoir, "Modern Day Hyde," was released on Amazon:
I began work on this almost 3 years ago, and finally felt it was at a point it could be useful for those who read it.
The most difficult part of the book was not the writing, or the editing, but the mirror aspect writing it has had. I had to see my true reflection.
As I determined to be as truthful as possible, I had to face so many poor decisions I have made in my past. Everyone, to some degree, likes to have an image of himself/herself more complimentary than reality.
After this process, all I am left with is humility and a very real assessment of how "not great" I have been in the past.
Here's to truth!
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Do NOT boycott Chick-fil-A: A More Effective Approach
The recent furor over Chick-fil-A's C.E.O. and his comments and acknowledgment of corporate funding for anti-gay organizations has blown up across Facebook, Twiiter, blogs, etc. Many of my friends and acquaintances in the LGBT community, as well as some national leaders and influential writers, are calling for a boycott.
I disagree with this approach. Much of the push back against gay rights is fueled by ignorance. Most people who are "anti-gay" don't even know any gay people.
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has encouraged individuals to eat at Chick-fil-A on August 1st to show support for the company's "conservative values."
What if all gay couples, lesbian couples, bi-sexual couples and transgendered couples ALSO showed up at their local Chick-fil-A restaurant on August 1st? If you are single, get a friend to go with you and pretend to be a couple as you share waffle fries!
If you look at media clips and historical documentation, most Americans were against interracial couples until they were EXPOSED to interracial couples. We turned a corner on misconceptions in that arena, and the same approach can gain the LGBT community ground in 2012.
Don't boycott Chick-fil-A. Go with your spouse or partner, order a meal, maybe even walk in hand-in-hand. Those that are in a world of misunderstanding and hateful toward what they do not know might just change perceptions when, as they are eating chicken nuggets, look across the restaurant at a happy gay couple do the same.
I disagree with this approach. Much of the push back against gay rights is fueled by ignorance. Most people who are "anti-gay" don't even know any gay people.
Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has encouraged individuals to eat at Chick-fil-A on August 1st to show support for the company's "conservative values."
What if all gay couples, lesbian couples, bi-sexual couples and transgendered couples ALSO showed up at their local Chick-fil-A restaurant on August 1st? If you are single, get a friend to go with you and pretend to be a couple as you share waffle fries!
If you look at media clips and historical documentation, most Americans were against interracial couples until they were EXPOSED to interracial couples. We turned a corner on misconceptions in that arena, and the same approach can gain the LGBT community ground in 2012.
Don't boycott Chick-fil-A. Go with your spouse or partner, order a meal, maybe even walk in hand-in-hand. Those that are in a world of misunderstanding and hateful toward what they do not know might just change perceptions when, as they are eating chicken nuggets, look across the restaurant at a happy gay couple do the same.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
A Tale of Two Fathers' Days
I awoke this morning to the sound of my phone ringing. Before I even opened my eyes, I knew who was calling. Sure enough, as I answered I was greeted by my daughters, in unison, declaring "Happy Father's Day!".
I giggled and told them "thank you", and my youngest daughter said they had a "surprise" for me. My oldest did the verbal count of "1! 2! 3!". All three broke into song, singing a rendition of Selena Gomez' "Love You Like a Love Song." In their version, the chorus goes, "I, I love you like a love song, Daddy! I, I love you like a love song, Daddy!"
I grinned from ear to ear, leaning the phone over so my partner, Jason, could listen. At the end of the song, my middle daughter, Mia, proclaimed, "I rearranged the words, Dad!" My oldest, Ella, was quick to retort, "But it was my idea, Dad!" We talked for a couple of minutes and I enjoyed the rest of my Father's Day. After all, it started on a "high note".
It made me think of my own dad. I am not sure what his day was like, but it was probably markedly different from mine. My youngest brother ostracized himself from my parents several years ago and did not call or write. My other brother lives with my parents (still) and I am sure took dad out for a nice meal. I, for the first time in over three decades, did not get my dad a Father's Day card or wish him well.
As you may know from other posts, my parents have pretty much cut me off since I came out. However, the past three years I have made attempts to send birthday and holiday cards and presents on occasion. I have recently decided I can no longer waste effort.
I discovered from my daughters recently (and it was confirmed by my ex-wife) my parents have been telling my 8, 7 and 5 year old daughters their daddy is going to hell. For me, this was the last straw. Growing up, my parents resented my grandparents for telling me negative things about my own father. I remember how hurt and angry my dad was at times, not understanding why grandparents would turn a grandchild against his own father.
History has a funny way of repeating itself. 30 years later, and my dad is telling my daughters things that could poison them against me.
Could...but it hasn't, and it won't.
I decided to take a course of action my parents never would. Before I even had kids, I told my parents clearly if they ever bad mouthed me or the girls mother like my grandparents had done I would cut off communication and not let them spend time with my daughters.
I no longer have control over the latter, but I can control my own communication. My dad was in my thoughts today, but that was the extent. No card, no phone call, and at the end of the day, no guilt.
My girls love me and were so excited to wish me a happy day. Apparently, I even have a hand-made gift on its way in the mail. I was able to appreciate what I have with my girls and celebrate being their dad.
I only wish I could have celebrated being my father's son. I hope Father's Day for my dad was a reminder of what he has lost, rather than what he has. If he can remember how bad he felt when he was spoke of poorly, and seek to reconnect with me, his son, then maybe next year we can celebrate Father's Day together instead of isolation.
I giggled and told them "thank you", and my youngest daughter said they had a "surprise" for me. My oldest did the verbal count of "1! 2! 3!". All three broke into song, singing a rendition of Selena Gomez' "Love You Like a Love Song." In their version, the chorus goes, "I, I love you like a love song, Daddy! I, I love you like a love song, Daddy!"
I grinned from ear to ear, leaning the phone over so my partner, Jason, could listen. At the end of the song, my middle daughter, Mia, proclaimed, "I rearranged the words, Dad!" My oldest, Ella, was quick to retort, "But it was my idea, Dad!" We talked for a couple of minutes and I enjoyed the rest of my Father's Day. After all, it started on a "high note".
It made me think of my own dad. I am not sure what his day was like, but it was probably markedly different from mine. My youngest brother ostracized himself from my parents several years ago and did not call or write. My other brother lives with my parents (still) and I am sure took dad out for a nice meal. I, for the first time in over three decades, did not get my dad a Father's Day card or wish him well.
As you may know from other posts, my parents have pretty much cut me off since I came out. However, the past three years I have made attempts to send birthday and holiday cards and presents on occasion. I have recently decided I can no longer waste effort.
I discovered from my daughters recently (and it was confirmed by my ex-wife) my parents have been telling my 8, 7 and 5 year old daughters their daddy is going to hell. For me, this was the last straw. Growing up, my parents resented my grandparents for telling me negative things about my own father. I remember how hurt and angry my dad was at times, not understanding why grandparents would turn a grandchild against his own father.
History has a funny way of repeating itself. 30 years later, and my dad is telling my daughters things that could poison them against me.
Could...but it hasn't, and it won't.
I decided to take a course of action my parents never would. Before I even had kids, I told my parents clearly if they ever bad mouthed me or the girls mother like my grandparents had done I would cut off communication and not let them spend time with my daughters.
I no longer have control over the latter, but I can control my own communication. My dad was in my thoughts today, but that was the extent. No card, no phone call, and at the end of the day, no guilt.
My girls love me and were so excited to wish me a happy day. Apparently, I even have a hand-made gift on its way in the mail. I was able to appreciate what I have with my girls and celebrate being their dad.
I only wish I could have celebrated being my father's son. I hope Father's Day for my dad was a reminder of what he has lost, rather than what he has. If he can remember how bad he felt when he was spoke of poorly, and seek to reconnect with me, his son, then maybe next year we can celebrate Father's Day together instead of isolation.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
All in the Family: Where Prejudice Meets Reality
A very important event occurred in my family last week: out of my generation of cousins, a fourth cousin came out as gay last week to his parents, then public to other friends and family. Of my cousins/second cousins, this makes the third out gay man and we have one lesbian cousin. I won't even begin to conjecture on those in my family still in the closet.
Members of our family helped raise us, saw us grow, cheered our accomplishments and celebrated our lives. That is, until each of us came out. Some of our family members have chalked us up to "sinners". Others "tolerate" us because we are family, but in their eyes, we are still sinners and somehow less than we once were.
I think family can be a place where our prejudices are challenged...if we allow them to be. For example, I grew up in a home where black people were regularly referred to as "niggers". That ugly moniker still gets used by my parents and brothers, largely because one of those "niggers" has not found his/her way into our family.
I also grew up learning to refer to Hispanics and Latinos as "spics" and "wetbacks". However, this terminology largely disappeared because we ended up with some wonderful family members of Latino background. Over time, my family's prejudice was challenged and the knee jerk assumptions were fewer and far between.
My hope is since there is a third "faggot" in our ranks (and one "dyke") my immediate family and members of our extended family would start questioning biases. At some point, ridiculous accusations of molestation, "giving in to Satan" and chemical imbalance as explanations should give way to emerging understandings of sexuality, including medically, psychologically AND theologically.
If nothing else, I wonder how many more family members have to come out before our family evolves some of its thinking. If our family could adapt and accept other "scandals" in our family: affairs, women in the work force, divorce, drug abuse, mental illness, out-of-wedlock pregnancies, and bastard children, I'm sure this whole "gay" thing can be dealt with as well.
Members of our family helped raise us, saw us grow, cheered our accomplishments and celebrated our lives. That is, until each of us came out. Some of our family members have chalked us up to "sinners". Others "tolerate" us because we are family, but in their eyes, we are still sinners and somehow less than we once were.
I think family can be a place where our prejudices are challenged...if we allow them to be. For example, I grew up in a home where black people were regularly referred to as "niggers". That ugly moniker still gets used by my parents and brothers, largely because one of those "niggers" has not found his/her way into our family.
I also grew up learning to refer to Hispanics and Latinos as "spics" and "wetbacks". However, this terminology largely disappeared because we ended up with some wonderful family members of Latino background. Over time, my family's prejudice was challenged and the knee jerk assumptions were fewer and far between.
My hope is since there is a third "faggot" in our ranks (and one "dyke") my immediate family and members of our extended family would start questioning biases. At some point, ridiculous accusations of molestation, "giving in to Satan" and chemical imbalance as explanations should give way to emerging understandings of sexuality, including medically, psychologically AND theologically.
If nothing else, I wonder how many more family members have to come out before our family evolves some of its thinking. If our family could adapt and accept other "scandals" in our family: affairs, women in the work force, divorce, drug abuse, mental illness, out-of-wedlock pregnancies, and bastard children, I'm sure this whole "gay" thing can be dealt with as well.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Working Through, Not Around: Broken Relationships with Parents
I learned a mantra a long time ago I regularly pass on to my college students: you can't work your way around problems; you have to work your way through.
I was reminded of this life truth again early this morning. I woke up, yelling out and crying from a terrible dream. My partner, Jason, just held me and calmed me down, and I eventually fell asleep in his arms.
What led to this dream was the broken relationship with my parents. More specifically, the iciness by which my mom treats our current communication. Before I came out in 2009, I never had a good relationship with my father, so the fact that he stopped talking to me was not a great loss.
My mom on the other hand hurt my feelings. Although our relationship has always been conflictual, I very much am my mother's son, and was always the closest to her of me and my brothers.
Last year, my former university's newspaper did an expose on previous students, administrators and faculty members that have since come out gay. I agreed to be interviewed, and my parents cut off all communication. I didn't even receive so much as a card for Christmas.
Last month, we were forced into the same space by my ex-wife because she tried to impose mandated supervised visitation (that's a whole other blog...she failed and the judge found her forcing me to have my parents along was not legal).
Anyway, after zero communication since last September, I was suddenly thrust into an environment with my parents. For the sake of my daughters, I resolved to make it as positive as possible.
It was good to see my parents. The last day of our forced confinement, we actually had a good time and it felt like "old times". We took the girls to a flea market and had a good day.
I started talking to mom on the phone again, but one of the conversations turned ugly when she stated she would side with my ex if I tried getting more visitation with my kids.
My birthday was this last week. I got a cheap card in the mail from parents, but no phone call. This was its own message, of course. Since moving out at age 18, my mom has always called me on my birthday. It really upset me she didn't call.
Last night I dreamed I was home. I was helping my mom in the kitchen, just wrapping up dinner and washing dishes. She started in on my life, and my choices, and started saying hateful things that were a collage of hurtful things she has said since I came out.
She became increasingly angry, and in my dream she grabbed my throat and took me to the ground. As I type this, my pulse is racing and I am sweating because of the memory.
I don't need psychoanalysis to analyze this dream. Hundreds of miles away, without very much communication, at my age of 39 years old my mom is choking me.
I now need to take the advice I give others. I have to work through this problem.
I can't change my mom. We will never find common ground as long as she believes I am going to hell and am somehow less of a person and man for being gay.
But that is HER problem, and I cannot own her issues.
If you have never asked me, I am a big believer in therapy. It's time I get back to my therapist. Even though it was a dream, when I went into the bathroom this morning I still looked for hand marks around my neck.
The hands of my mother were an illusion, but the pain is very real.
I was reminded of this life truth again early this morning. I woke up, yelling out and crying from a terrible dream. My partner, Jason, just held me and calmed me down, and I eventually fell asleep in his arms.
What led to this dream was the broken relationship with my parents. More specifically, the iciness by which my mom treats our current communication. Before I came out in 2009, I never had a good relationship with my father, so the fact that he stopped talking to me was not a great loss.
My mom on the other hand hurt my feelings. Although our relationship has always been conflictual, I very much am my mother's son, and was always the closest to her of me and my brothers.
Last year, my former university's newspaper did an expose on previous students, administrators and faculty members that have since come out gay. I agreed to be interviewed, and my parents cut off all communication. I didn't even receive so much as a card for Christmas.
Last month, we were forced into the same space by my ex-wife because she tried to impose mandated supervised visitation (that's a whole other blog...she failed and the judge found her forcing me to have my parents along was not legal).
Anyway, after zero communication since last September, I was suddenly thrust into an environment with my parents. For the sake of my daughters, I resolved to make it as positive as possible.
It was good to see my parents. The last day of our forced confinement, we actually had a good time and it felt like "old times". We took the girls to a flea market and had a good day.
I started talking to mom on the phone again, but one of the conversations turned ugly when she stated she would side with my ex if I tried getting more visitation with my kids.
My birthday was this last week. I got a cheap card in the mail from parents, but no phone call. This was its own message, of course. Since moving out at age 18, my mom has always called me on my birthday. It really upset me she didn't call.
Last night I dreamed I was home. I was helping my mom in the kitchen, just wrapping up dinner and washing dishes. She started in on my life, and my choices, and started saying hateful things that were a collage of hurtful things she has said since I came out.
She became increasingly angry, and in my dream she grabbed my throat and took me to the ground. As I type this, my pulse is racing and I am sweating because of the memory.
I don't need psychoanalysis to analyze this dream. Hundreds of miles away, without very much communication, at my age of 39 years old my mom is choking me.
I now need to take the advice I give others. I have to work through this problem.
I can't change my mom. We will never find common ground as long as she believes I am going to hell and am somehow less of a person and man for being gay.
But that is HER problem, and I cannot own her issues.
If you have never asked me, I am a big believer in therapy. It's time I get back to my therapist. Even though it was a dream, when I went into the bathroom this morning I still looked for hand marks around my neck.
The hands of my mother were an illusion, but the pain is very real.
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