Before anyone dismisses this post as blashphemy, I will state up front I love Christmas. I love my faith and own it...probably more than ever in my life. I still fervently believe Christ offers a hope to a world lost in its own selfishness and in much need of love and acceptance.
That being said, I literally need less Christ in my Christmas this year. Since coming out last year, my mother and her relatives have responded to my divorce and subsequent identity as a gay man as something to weep and plead to God for my redemption. In their worldview and theology, I cannot be a gay man and a Christian. My mother lovingly reminded me on Thanksgiving I was "destroying my life" and "securing my place in hell".
The gifts and cards from my mom and the extended family been arriving. So far I have received a Christian book mark, a Christian journal, a Christian book, a Christian CD, and other "Christian" products. Before coming out as a gay man, I rarely received such proselytizing gifts. Now my living room looks like the Christmas love child of James Dobson and Pat Robertson.
Although I appreciate the notion of my family remembering me with a gift, I resent these gifts were sent with a not so subtle message. I am offended the spirit of gift giving is tainted with my family's agenda: to rescue me from my "lifestyle", save my soul and win be back to Jesus.
The irony is on Christmas Eve, when my family will be opening their "secular" gifts and watching stale TV specials, I will be with my partner at our church not for one, but two services and a potlatch. In my family's summary judgement on my personal decision to lead a life of greater integrity their assumption is that I need "saving" all over again.
On this Christmas holiday I would like to remind my family (as well as any other well meaning but misguided Christians) there is only one Savior I believe in and His work has already been done in my life. It would be better for no one in my family to send me gifts than to use this holiday season to hit me over the head with baby Jesus.
As I end this blog post I am going to take off my glasses and put them in the Christian eyeglass case my mom sent me recently. She seems to have a knack for finding all things Christ friendly. Maybe for my birthday I'll hit her up for a cross emroidered wallet, some authentic Hebrew sandals and perhaps underwear with "Jesus Saves" across the crotch.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
A Bunch of F@#%ING Queens
I normally do not buy in to stereotypes. Stereotypes have a way of putting people in to a pre-conceived box and have a nasty way of assuming pre-determined behaviors.
However, some stereotypes exist because they speak to reality. My reality the past week has been multiple rehearsals preparing for the Silicon Valley Gay Men's Chorus opening night tomorrow evening. As a member of the artstic committee my responsibilities for the concert include several staging and logistic considerations. This, of course, is on top of my singing duties as the 1st and 2nd Tenor section leader.
As part of this reality, enter the bitchy divas known as gay men who sing in choruses. From the first few minutes of rehearsal Monday night to the end of dress rehearsal tonight I had to tolerate somebody whining, complaining or flat out blowing me off.
In fairness, not every guy in the chorus was giving me grief. But the ones who were were such a pain, so obnoxious and so disrespectful any outsider looking in would assume all gay chorus members are a bunch of spoiled, tempermental queens.
It has caused my emotional spectrum to range from irritation to being just plain angry. I was given a charge of multiple behind the scenes aspect of our concert because I am 1.) experienced and 2.) willing. As I told one of our men who was complaining because we have incorporated candles for two songs, "Get over it. You want to have a say, volunteer or speak up. Don't wait until the week of the concert to find your opinion."
I can be bitchy, too. Maybe that makes me a stereotype, but in the prima donna world of gay choruses sometimes the only way to survive is to embrace the stereotype and beat the queens at their own game.
However, some stereotypes exist because they speak to reality. My reality the past week has been multiple rehearsals preparing for the Silicon Valley Gay Men's Chorus opening night tomorrow evening. As a member of the artstic committee my responsibilities for the concert include several staging and logistic considerations. This, of course, is on top of my singing duties as the 1st and 2nd Tenor section leader.
As part of this reality, enter the bitchy divas known as gay men who sing in choruses. From the first few minutes of rehearsal Monday night to the end of dress rehearsal tonight I had to tolerate somebody whining, complaining or flat out blowing me off.
In fairness, not every guy in the chorus was giving me grief. But the ones who were were such a pain, so obnoxious and so disrespectful any outsider looking in would assume all gay chorus members are a bunch of spoiled, tempermental queens.
It has caused my emotional spectrum to range from irritation to being just plain angry. I was given a charge of multiple behind the scenes aspect of our concert because I am 1.) experienced and 2.) willing. As I told one of our men who was complaining because we have incorporated candles for two songs, "Get over it. You want to have a say, volunteer or speak up. Don't wait until the week of the concert to find your opinion."
I can be bitchy, too. Maybe that makes me a stereotype, but in the prima donna world of gay choruses sometimes the only way to survive is to embrace the stereotype and beat the queens at their own game.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Awkward is as Awkward Does...
In my continuing growth in and acceptance of my identity as a gay man, I decided it would be good for me to see what resources are available in the local area for me to find out about the life experiences of other gay men.
My search led me to the Billy DeFrank Center. It is San Jose's GLBT Community Center. A good friend of mine is a member of the board, and the Center does a lot in the community and has a great reputation for fostering the greater good.
On the Center's website there is a "Men's Discussion Group" listed. The group meets on Thursdays nights to discuss "relevant" topics pertinent to gay men. I decided I would go this past Thursday and approached with an open mind.
As 20 other men took their places I noticed I was one of the youngest. The group moderator came in and the meeting started promptly when it should at 7:30 p.m.: so far, so good.
The moderator acknowledged my presence and had every guy introduce himself in turn. Again, I was impressed. My previous experience leading similar groups allowed me to notice the display of good leadership.
Next, the moderator opened a large binder with the label "Men's Discussion Group". Very calmly, very non-chalant, the moderator announced the evening's topic.
"Tonight's discussion topic is Cruising Gyms."
I about fell out of my chair. Cruising gyms? I was looking forward to maybe a discussion on overcoming gay stereotypes, or addressing homophobia or maybe even a discussion of the upcoming Prop 8 appeal. Nothing prepared me for the topic on how to pursue public sex in a health complex.
Normally this sort of absurdity would evoke an immediate vocal response. However, a bigger part of me on this evening wanted nothing more than to go grab a bowl of popcorn and watch the train wreck unfold before me.
Many of the guys stumbled awkwardly around the topic, talking about things "they've seen". However, none of them were talking about what "they've done". After 30 of the most uncomfortable minutes I have ever witnessed someone asked the obvious question.
"How did we end up with this topic, anyway?"
Indeed. How does a men's group which is supposed to provide an atmosphere of relatability and free-flowing discussion end up with a topic more appropriate for a porn story line?
The remaining hour ended up collapsing in to fervent raising of hands and "the regulars" debating how to come up with better topics. For the first time, I literally sat silent for an entire hour and thirty minutes.This has only happened one other time in my life, and it wasn't by choice: I had lost my voice.
Although my voice was in good working order on this evening, the lack of preparation by the group only ushered my silence and stymied my participation. As a newcomer, the expectations I brought with me set me up for a terrible fall. I had looked forward to the men's group for several days. By the end of the evening I wanted to run into the night beating my chest and shouting chants of freedom.
Instead, I went home to where my partner was hosting his regular Thursday night game night with some of our close friends. I walked in, told each one how I loved and appreciated his friendship, and proceeded to explain my waste of an evening. I then sat at the table, falling in to easy conversation and fun.
The evening served as a reminder sometimes what we need is just more of what we already have. I have my own Men's Discussion Group and it consists of my friends I see on a regular basis. They invest in my life and I have learned so much about who I am because of our closeness.
Just for kicks, I asked my friends if they had any insights or advice on cruising gyms. Resoundingly, each one said, " just don't do it".
End of discussion...
My search led me to the Billy DeFrank Center. It is San Jose's GLBT Community Center. A good friend of mine is a member of the board, and the Center does a lot in the community and has a great reputation for fostering the greater good.
On the Center's website there is a "Men's Discussion Group" listed. The group meets on Thursdays nights to discuss "relevant" topics pertinent to gay men. I decided I would go this past Thursday and approached with an open mind.
As 20 other men took their places I noticed I was one of the youngest. The group moderator came in and the meeting started promptly when it should at 7:30 p.m.: so far, so good.
The moderator acknowledged my presence and had every guy introduce himself in turn. Again, I was impressed. My previous experience leading similar groups allowed me to notice the display of good leadership.
Next, the moderator opened a large binder with the label "Men's Discussion Group". Very calmly, very non-chalant, the moderator announced the evening's topic.
"Tonight's discussion topic is Cruising Gyms."
I about fell out of my chair. Cruising gyms? I was looking forward to maybe a discussion on overcoming gay stereotypes, or addressing homophobia or maybe even a discussion of the upcoming Prop 8 appeal. Nothing prepared me for the topic on how to pursue public sex in a health complex.
Normally this sort of absurdity would evoke an immediate vocal response. However, a bigger part of me on this evening wanted nothing more than to go grab a bowl of popcorn and watch the train wreck unfold before me.
Many of the guys stumbled awkwardly around the topic, talking about things "they've seen". However, none of them were talking about what "they've done". After 30 of the most uncomfortable minutes I have ever witnessed someone asked the obvious question.
"How did we end up with this topic, anyway?"
Indeed. How does a men's group which is supposed to provide an atmosphere of relatability and free-flowing discussion end up with a topic more appropriate for a porn story line?
The remaining hour ended up collapsing in to fervent raising of hands and "the regulars" debating how to come up with better topics. For the first time, I literally sat silent for an entire hour and thirty minutes.This has only happened one other time in my life, and it wasn't by choice: I had lost my voice.
Although my voice was in good working order on this evening, the lack of preparation by the group only ushered my silence and stymied my participation. As a newcomer, the expectations I brought with me set me up for a terrible fall. I had looked forward to the men's group for several days. By the end of the evening I wanted to run into the night beating my chest and shouting chants of freedom.
Instead, I went home to where my partner was hosting his regular Thursday night game night with some of our close friends. I walked in, told each one how I loved and appreciated his friendship, and proceeded to explain my waste of an evening. I then sat at the table, falling in to easy conversation and fun.
The evening served as a reminder sometimes what we need is just more of what we already have. I have my own Men's Discussion Group and it consists of my friends I see on a regular basis. They invest in my life and I have learned so much about who I am because of our closeness.
Just for kicks, I asked my friends if they had any insights or advice on cruising gyms. Resoundingly, each one said, " just don't do it".
End of discussion...
Friday, November 19, 2010
HIV: Now, I Get It
Living the first 36 years of my life as a closeted gay man leading a double life in the South, HIV was something that happened "to other people". I lived in such a denial I did some very stupid things and by all accounts should have contracted HIV or some other venereal disease, but I didn't. My friends I knew who were also closeted never contracted the disease, so it always seemed it was a world away in terms of affecting my reality. I just didn't "get it".
A good friend of mine shared with me today he was just diagnosed HIV+. For a second, I was speechless. Since moving to California I have met individuals and become friends with people who have been dealing with HIV. But my friend's news today knocked the wind out of me. I grieved for him immediately. This friend, this brother I have laughed with, cried with, eaten with and drank with suddenly is someone who has this terrible disease and will have their life forever altered.
I cried and hugged him. I know HIV isn't the death sentence it once was. But now my friend will be dealing with meds, doctor visits and self-disclosure for any guy he dates. The thing he is most scared about: how to tell his family.
Today he kept his spirits up, wanting to be around me and other friends for support. He is feisty and a fighter and I am confident he will battle this every step of the way.
However, his news was a sobering reminder of how mortal and fragile our lives really are, and a reminder any of us, at any time, can have our circumstances change dramatically and alter our lives.
To my friend: I love you, and I am humbled you chose to tell me. No matter where this news takes you, I'm by your side.
To my readers: please send positive thoughts and prayers my friend's way.
A good friend of mine shared with me today he was just diagnosed HIV+. For a second, I was speechless. Since moving to California I have met individuals and become friends with people who have been dealing with HIV. But my friend's news today knocked the wind out of me. I grieved for him immediately. This friend, this brother I have laughed with, cried with, eaten with and drank with suddenly is someone who has this terrible disease and will have their life forever altered.
I cried and hugged him. I know HIV isn't the death sentence it once was. But now my friend will be dealing with meds, doctor visits and self-disclosure for any guy he dates. The thing he is most scared about: how to tell his family.
Today he kept his spirits up, wanting to be around me and other friends for support. He is feisty and a fighter and I am confident he will battle this every step of the way.
However, his news was a sobering reminder of how mortal and fragile our lives really are, and a reminder any of us, at any time, can have our circumstances change dramatically and alter our lives.
To my friend: I love you, and I am humbled you chose to tell me. No matter where this news takes you, I'm by your side.
To my readers: please send positive thoughts and prayers my friend's way.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Comradery: It Keeps the Gays Going
Last night I should have just gone to bed early.
I left choir rehearsal early because I have been fighting a nasty cold. I slept most of yesterday, ran a fever and felt "blech" from head to toe.
However, it was my friend David's surprise 40th birthday party, so I decided to make an appearance. The rules from his partner were simple: park on a side street, get there early and hide. All went as planned, David had a great time, and I soon left.
Much to my surprise, my car had been towed. There was not a sign where I parked or any markings but the Campbell police department confirmed my ticket and that my car was impounded.
My partner, Chris has been really stressed with school, finances and life in general lately. We can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and my Daewoo gets kidnapped! I didn't want to burden Chris and went in to panic mode: what could I do to solve this myself?
Four of my dear friends came to the rescue. Two were with me at the police department waiting for a ridiculous amount of time and drove me to the impound lot to retrieve my car and helped me pay my parking ticket. When I couldn't get my car released last night another friend drove me to the tow site this morning and helped me pay the towage fees. Still another friend offered to let me crash at his place for a while, just in case Chris was going to make me sleep in the proverbial doghouse.
I have been blessed since coming out last year to have a great group of friends. I have also realized the gay community has only flourished to its current degree by gay men supporting one another as friends, family and comrades in life, love and pursuits.
When I came out, part of my culture shock was how tight knit the gay community was in the Bay area. This larger, vibrant network thrives because the smaller friendship and support groups of individuals have bolstered and nurtured one another to become leaders and visionaries for the greater good.
In high school, my drama teacher kept a simple poster by the chalk board: "Friends are the croutons in the salad bowl of life."
To my four croutons that were part of my messy salad last night and this morning: I love you and thank you for the gift of your friendship!
I left choir rehearsal early because I have been fighting a nasty cold. I slept most of yesterday, ran a fever and felt "blech" from head to toe.
However, it was my friend David's surprise 40th birthday party, so I decided to make an appearance. The rules from his partner were simple: park on a side street, get there early and hide. All went as planned, David had a great time, and I soon left.
Much to my surprise, my car had been towed. There was not a sign where I parked or any markings but the Campbell police department confirmed my ticket and that my car was impounded.
My partner, Chris has been really stressed with school, finances and life in general lately. We can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and my Daewoo gets kidnapped! I didn't want to burden Chris and went in to panic mode: what could I do to solve this myself?
Four of my dear friends came to the rescue. Two were with me at the police department waiting for a ridiculous amount of time and drove me to the impound lot to retrieve my car and helped me pay my parking ticket. When I couldn't get my car released last night another friend drove me to the tow site this morning and helped me pay the towage fees. Still another friend offered to let me crash at his place for a while, just in case Chris was going to make me sleep in the proverbial doghouse.
I have been blessed since coming out last year to have a great group of friends. I have also realized the gay community has only flourished to its current degree by gay men supporting one another as friends, family and comrades in life, love and pursuits.
When I came out, part of my culture shock was how tight knit the gay community was in the Bay area. This larger, vibrant network thrives because the smaller friendship and support groups of individuals have bolstered and nurtured one another to become leaders and visionaries for the greater good.
In high school, my drama teacher kept a simple poster by the chalk board: "Friends are the croutons in the salad bowl of life."
To my four croutons that were part of my messy salad last night and this morning: I love you and thank you for the gift of your friendship!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Gay or Straight: Relationships Take Work
As I type this, I'm glancing over at the awesome man beside me. My partner, Chris, was instrumental in my coming out. Through that process, we fell in love, and 15 months ago I moved to California to be with him.
We've had a tough time lately. Actually, my circumstances and baggage have caused us quite a tough time. My exorbitant child support means that for the past 15 months Chris has had to carry an undue amount of our financial responsibilities as a couple. Toss in the fact he lost his job 3 months ago, and the financial pressures we have had to face together have been overwhelming at times.
We also didn't really date. We went from getting to know each other well enough to know we wanted to be with each other to me hopping on a plane to live with him. For 15 months we have been a couple, but there are a lot of aspects about one another it would have been nice to know prior to a committed relationship.
We are both strong willed, and pig-headed, and we both have to be right and we both hate it when we are wrong. We have both hurt one another, snapped at one another and given ultimatums to one another. As we look forward, we are both exploring what needs to change and develop for us to stay together long term.
Gay relationships are just as wonderful and tumultuous as their heterosexual counterparts. Chris and I have what I've called the "closest thing to a fairy tale". We went to high school together and were in the chorus. We grew up two miles apart. His father and my grandfather were friends. 18 years after we last spoke, we found each other, in different stages in our lives, and we fell in love. Some of the greatest joys I have experienced in a relationship are with him.
So are some of the most heartbreaking moments. As selfish individuals we haven't always done a good job of trying to put the other's needs equal to our own. We have been very self-absorbed at different times and have cut one another to the quick.
My relationship isn't complicated and needing work because it is gay. My relationship is a challenge because it is a relationship. Just like straight relationships, there is the ebb and flow of Chris and I adoring each other and then despising what the other does. As of late, we have been trying to figure out the balance between giving each other space and yet still coming together and communicating as a couple.
Most couples, gay or straight, have those days where they look over at the person beside them in bed and ask, "What the hell was I thinking?" I know Chris has been asking himself that question. I know I have pondered the same.
But here, in our room at 2 a.m., I find comfort in his steady snoring. I still get twitterpated sometimes when I lay beside him and watch him sleep. I know his body from head to toe, from his strong hands to his ugly feet. During the night he wraps me up in his arms, just like I'm a teddy bear, and I am safe and warm.
One of Chris' favorite old TV shows is the "Facts of Life". I think the show's theme song captures why any relationship take work:
"You take the good, you take the bad. You take them both and there you have the facts of life."
Relationships, the best relationships, take effort. The snoring beast besides me drives me bonkers sometimes, but I wouldn't have him any other way. As long as he and I respect each other as individuals, work together as a team when needed and keep our focus on building and staying in a relationship long term we will have a great legacy.
As I lean over and give his bald head a kiss, I know we have a lot of work ahead. I am confident as long as we work on our relationship in a positive way it will surive.
Here's to my big gay bear of a man. May we always want to fight for one another and work to make the other happy.
We've had a tough time lately. Actually, my circumstances and baggage have caused us quite a tough time. My exorbitant child support means that for the past 15 months Chris has had to carry an undue amount of our financial responsibilities as a couple. Toss in the fact he lost his job 3 months ago, and the financial pressures we have had to face together have been overwhelming at times.
We also didn't really date. We went from getting to know each other well enough to know we wanted to be with each other to me hopping on a plane to live with him. For 15 months we have been a couple, but there are a lot of aspects about one another it would have been nice to know prior to a committed relationship.
We are both strong willed, and pig-headed, and we both have to be right and we both hate it when we are wrong. We have both hurt one another, snapped at one another and given ultimatums to one another. As we look forward, we are both exploring what needs to change and develop for us to stay together long term.
Gay relationships are just as wonderful and tumultuous as their heterosexual counterparts. Chris and I have what I've called the "closest thing to a fairy tale". We went to high school together and were in the chorus. We grew up two miles apart. His father and my grandfather were friends. 18 years after we last spoke, we found each other, in different stages in our lives, and we fell in love. Some of the greatest joys I have experienced in a relationship are with him.
So are some of the most heartbreaking moments. As selfish individuals we haven't always done a good job of trying to put the other's needs equal to our own. We have been very self-absorbed at different times and have cut one another to the quick.
My relationship isn't complicated and needing work because it is gay. My relationship is a challenge because it is a relationship. Just like straight relationships, there is the ebb and flow of Chris and I adoring each other and then despising what the other does. As of late, we have been trying to figure out the balance between giving each other space and yet still coming together and communicating as a couple.
Most couples, gay or straight, have those days where they look over at the person beside them in bed and ask, "What the hell was I thinking?" I know Chris has been asking himself that question. I know I have pondered the same.
But here, in our room at 2 a.m., I find comfort in his steady snoring. I still get twitterpated sometimes when I lay beside him and watch him sleep. I know his body from head to toe, from his strong hands to his ugly feet. During the night he wraps me up in his arms, just like I'm a teddy bear, and I am safe and warm.
One of Chris' favorite old TV shows is the "Facts of Life". I think the show's theme song captures why any relationship take work:
"You take the good, you take the bad. You take them both and there you have the facts of life."
Relationships, the best relationships, take effort. The snoring beast besides me drives me bonkers sometimes, but I wouldn't have him any other way. As long as he and I respect each other as individuals, work together as a team when needed and keep our focus on building and staying in a relationship long term we will have a great legacy.
As I lean over and give his bald head a kiss, I know we have a lot of work ahead. I am confident as long as we work on our relationship in a positive way it will surive.
Here's to my big gay bear of a man. May we always want to fight for one another and work to make the other happy.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
For the Love of a Fedora: Gay Today, Gone Tomorrow
In a panic to put together a Powerpoint demonstration for work, featuring head shots of me and my colleagues, I realized I didn't have a good pic. I set up a makeshift backdrop, put on a nice shirt and tie, and my favorite Fedora.
I liked the pic and posted it on Facebook. It generated some buzz, included my old college roommate commenting "that's so gay".
It caused me to stop and think: what is "gay" about a Fedora? This hat has a wonderful history, harkening back to a time where every respectable man (gay OR straight) wore one.
Somewhere along the way men stopped wearing hats, and now it is apparently a gay accessory...so be it.
At 37 years old I am finally at a place where I am comfortable wearing what I want when I want. I don't care if a Fedora seems flamboyant: I think its fashionable, unique and a signature piece I wear. Just because it's gay today doesn't mean it will be gay tomorrow.
Stereotypes of gay men are becoming more and more difficult to uphold. The bear community flies in the face of any stereotype of gay men as effeminate and "soft". The Gay Games features top athletes in different sports that, if videotaped and aired on the nightly news would look no different than any other athletic coverage.
I think it is becoming increasingly difficult to label things as "gay"...and that's a good thing. The sooner we can get away from marginalizing people's choices by trying to label them questioningly the happier, and healthier our society will become.
I wore my Fedora tonight to choir rehearsal: the gays loved it! When I got home, I put the hat back in my closet, and spied my full-length Matrix jacket in the back of my closet, its smooth lines and supple leather beckoning me...
After all...tomorrow is another day!
I liked the pic and posted it on Facebook. It generated some buzz, included my old college roommate commenting "that's so gay".
It caused me to stop and think: what is "gay" about a Fedora? This hat has a wonderful history, harkening back to a time where every respectable man (gay OR straight) wore one.
Somewhere along the way men stopped wearing hats, and now it is apparently a gay accessory...so be it.
At 37 years old I am finally at a place where I am comfortable wearing what I want when I want. I don't care if a Fedora seems flamboyant: I think its fashionable, unique and a signature piece I wear. Just because it's gay today doesn't mean it will be gay tomorrow.
Stereotypes of gay men are becoming more and more difficult to uphold. The bear community flies in the face of any stereotype of gay men as effeminate and "soft". The Gay Games features top athletes in different sports that, if videotaped and aired on the nightly news would look no different than any other athletic coverage.
I think it is becoming increasingly difficult to label things as "gay"...and that's a good thing. The sooner we can get away from marginalizing people's choices by trying to label them questioningly the happier, and healthier our society will become.
I wore my Fedora tonight to choir rehearsal: the gays loved it! When I got home, I put the hat back in my closet, and spied my full-length Matrix jacket in the back of my closet, its smooth lines and supple leather beckoning me...
After all...tomorrow is another day!
Friday, November 5, 2010
The Art of Civility: Christian Love in Practice
In the wake of one of the most contentious mid-term elections in American history, a lot of discussion has taken place regarding how nasty and uncivil candidates were to one another. The past week I have read several articles asking the same question: is civility dead?
Although in recent politics it would appear to be the case, I am real life proof that not only is civility not dead, but where allowed it flourishes.
When I went through my divorce and came out last year as a gay man, I was not treated civilly by some. I had family, friends and coworkers shun me. People I thought I would be able to depend on through thick and thin, particularly fellow Christians, turned their back on me.
It helped me understand why there are so many turned off by the Christian faith and evangelicals in the gay community. Although Christ surrounded himself with "sinners", much to the angst of the Pharisees and Sadducees, so often Christians today treat obvious sinners like myself with a certain repugnancy. For example, before I divorced and moved from Arkansas someone in my inner circle (not many knew what was happening) spray painted "fag" and left it on my front door.
But today I was reminded Christians can also be loving and supportive and civil. My second cousin, Ruben, is an evangelical Christian pastor. Although I know his biblical and theological views are not supportive of a gay "lifestyle", Ruben has been civil and loving.
Today, we talked via Facebook chat about his recent trip overseas, and going deeper talking about the challenges of the church in different countries and societies. After ending our conversation, I reflected on how my cousin has not sought to change my mind, or demean my decisions or treat me negatively. Because he cares about me, he continues to be civil.
Many of my friends have told me stories of being treated poorly be those who confess to be followers of Christ. Many evangelical churches are so consumed with being "right" about the topic of homosexuality they have forgotten their first charge: to love.
And that love, the love I see in my bible, is one where civility is the rule, and not the exception, for how Christians should treat other people.
Although in recent politics it would appear to be the case, I am real life proof that not only is civility not dead, but where allowed it flourishes.
When I went through my divorce and came out last year as a gay man, I was not treated civilly by some. I had family, friends and coworkers shun me. People I thought I would be able to depend on through thick and thin, particularly fellow Christians, turned their back on me.
It helped me understand why there are so many turned off by the Christian faith and evangelicals in the gay community. Although Christ surrounded himself with "sinners", much to the angst of the Pharisees and Sadducees, so often Christians today treat obvious sinners like myself with a certain repugnancy. For example, before I divorced and moved from Arkansas someone in my inner circle (not many knew what was happening) spray painted "fag" and left it on my front door.
But today I was reminded Christians can also be loving and supportive and civil. My second cousin, Ruben, is an evangelical Christian pastor. Although I know his biblical and theological views are not supportive of a gay "lifestyle", Ruben has been civil and loving.
Today, we talked via Facebook chat about his recent trip overseas, and going deeper talking about the challenges of the church in different countries and societies. After ending our conversation, I reflected on how my cousin has not sought to change my mind, or demean my decisions or treat me negatively. Because he cares about me, he continues to be civil.
Many of my friends have told me stories of being treated poorly be those who confess to be followers of Christ. Many evangelical churches are so consumed with being "right" about the topic of homosexuality they have forgotten their first charge: to love.
And that love, the love I see in my bible, is one where civility is the rule, and not the exception, for how Christians should treat other people.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Under the Radar: The Good News about Tea Party Politics
The experts forecasted it. Democrats were afraid of it. Republicans aren't sure they want it.
Yes, it's the Tea Party! I have had to endure throughout the day friends and colleagues bemoaning Tea Party politics and the 45+ Tea Party candidates who will be sworn in to office, but I am chipper. Why? Because this could be exactly what the gay community needs.
The members of the Tea Party largely got elected because of the hot button topics of the economy and anti-Obama sentiment. In order to make voters happy, the Republican Party's focus the next year will have to be economics and working to frustrate Democrats.
This leaves a back door opportunity for two major gay issues to be decided out of the public arena and out of the sights of ultra-conservatives: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and the inevitable Supreme Court hearings on gay marriage.
For almost three decades, the Republican party has used anti-gay rallying to unify its support base. As much as the Republican Party is celebrating Tea Party success, it is also a potentially divisive union. For all of the hoopla, the Tea Party represents in many ways a type of conservative extremism the Republican Party knows will lose centrists long term. In the scramble to embrace and utilize yesterday's Tea Party successes the Republican Party will have to be careful of how it picks its battles. Old mainstays such as gay rights now have to take a back seat to the more pressing demands of voters.
If gay rights leaders are wise, subtle discussions and limited media exposure are the formula to repeal D.A.D.T. and create a positive environment for advocating gay marriage.
Let the Tea Party have its heyday. Then maybe, just maybe, we can have ours.
Yes, it's the Tea Party! I have had to endure throughout the day friends and colleagues bemoaning Tea Party politics and the 45+ Tea Party candidates who will be sworn in to office, but I am chipper. Why? Because this could be exactly what the gay community needs.
The members of the Tea Party largely got elected because of the hot button topics of the economy and anti-Obama sentiment. In order to make voters happy, the Republican Party's focus the next year will have to be economics and working to frustrate Democrats.
This leaves a back door opportunity for two major gay issues to be decided out of the public arena and out of the sights of ultra-conservatives: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and the inevitable Supreme Court hearings on gay marriage.
For almost three decades, the Republican party has used anti-gay rallying to unify its support base. As much as the Republican Party is celebrating Tea Party success, it is also a potentially divisive union. For all of the hoopla, the Tea Party represents in many ways a type of conservative extremism the Republican Party knows will lose centrists long term. In the scramble to embrace and utilize yesterday's Tea Party successes the Republican Party will have to be careful of how it picks its battles. Old mainstays such as gay rights now have to take a back seat to the more pressing demands of voters.
If gay rights leaders are wise, subtle discussions and limited media exposure are the formula to repeal D.A.D.T. and create a positive environment for advocating gay marriage.
Let the Tea Party have its heyday. Then maybe, just maybe, we can have ours.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Male Body Image: Gays Influencing Societal Standards?
During the "Rocky Horror Picture Show" episode of the hit TV show "Glee" last week, two of the male characters have a locker room chat about male body image. The completely cut and near negative body fat Sam confides in Finn that he works out constantly and only eats protein because he worries about getting fat.
I get it. I just started a calorie counting program today. My midsection has been ballooning as of late, and my turn as the phantom of the opera for Halloween almost didn't happen because I couldn't get my tuxedo trousers buttoned and zipped.
The gay community gets it. Most male gay culture focuses on the chiseled, hairless (and fat free) youthful body type, in everything from magazine covers, calendars and even pornography.
Because of this strong emphasis on being in shape and muscled and Adonis-like it caused me to wonder if gay culture has perpetuated this ideal upon American society in general. A perusal of TV and movie stars from the 1970s until now makes an impressive case. One example is a famous 1970s Playgirl pic featuring Burt Reynolds. He was considered the epitome of manhood, and the picture has him nude (with a strategically placed hand) on a bear skin rug. He is hairy from head to toe, sporting a moustache and a nice but far from chiseled build. Fast forward to this past year, when star Mario Lopez posed for People magazine and staged the same photo. Mario has almost no body hair and maybe, maybe 4% body fat.
Hairy and a decent build is out, but I don't think it is because women suddenly became "turned off" from body hair and a basic manly build. I don't think it is any accident that as gay culture became more mainstream in the late 70s to where it is today, gay ideals carried over in to pop culture. After coming out last year, I learned that the "bear" community of gay men largely gained popularity because average, hairy gay guys were tired of the young, hairless "twink" stereotype.
So, as I sit here eating my Weight Watchers popsicle, I give my hairy chest a scratch and rub my belly. I am not willing to do what it would take to be a Mario Lopez. So, I will settle for looking more like a Burt Reynolds. It may be outdated, but I don't mind. I simply want to fit in my pants again.
I get it. I just started a calorie counting program today. My midsection has been ballooning as of late, and my turn as the phantom of the opera for Halloween almost didn't happen because I couldn't get my tuxedo trousers buttoned and zipped.
The gay community gets it. Most male gay culture focuses on the chiseled, hairless (and fat free) youthful body type, in everything from magazine covers, calendars and even pornography.
Because of this strong emphasis on being in shape and muscled and Adonis-like it caused me to wonder if gay culture has perpetuated this ideal upon American society in general. A perusal of TV and movie stars from the 1970s until now makes an impressive case. One example is a famous 1970s Playgirl pic featuring Burt Reynolds. He was considered the epitome of manhood, and the picture has him nude (with a strategically placed hand) on a bear skin rug. He is hairy from head to toe, sporting a moustache and a nice but far from chiseled build. Fast forward to this past year, when star Mario Lopez posed for People magazine and staged the same photo. Mario has almost no body hair and maybe, maybe 4% body fat.
Hairy and a decent build is out, but I don't think it is because women suddenly became "turned off" from body hair and a basic manly build. I don't think it is any accident that as gay culture became more mainstream in the late 70s to where it is today, gay ideals carried over in to pop culture. After coming out last year, I learned that the "bear" community of gay men largely gained popularity because average, hairy gay guys were tired of the young, hairless "twink" stereotype.
So, as I sit here eating my Weight Watchers popsicle, I give my hairy chest a scratch and rub my belly. I am not willing to do what it would take to be a Mario Lopez. So, I will settle for looking more like a Burt Reynolds. It may be outdated, but I don't mind. I simply want to fit in my pants again.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Of Rainbows and Luggage Tags: An Interesting Halloween
I flew out to visit my daughters in Oklahoma this weekend and celebrate Halloween. We had a great time and I headed to the airport this morning to head home for the work week.
In line at the DFW airport, a young girl standing with her mom took notice of my luggage tag. I'm not a big "rainbow flag" person, but I get the significance. So, I purchased luggage tags with a rainbow squiggly type thing to make sure I always know which bags are mine.
After a few seconds she asked innocently, "Why do you have a rainbow on your suitcase?" I smiled and my kneejerk response was to explain why the rainbow symbol was important to me.
But then I thought of everything I have been through with my own children. How in my divorce decree I agreed to not tell my children anything about being gay or ever mention my partner. At the time of separating from my wife, my in-laws and my own parents were ready to speak out against me in court if I tried fighting or changing any of my wife's demands.
All of them wanted to protect my girls from my "lifestyle" and my "bad decisions". Recently, my ex-wife reminded me she wanted to protect their "innocence" for as long as she could.
Gay people are a fact of life that will not be shoved back in to the closet. Are parents really protecting their children by pretending gay people don't exist?
Today at the airport, I looked at the young girl...and I lied. I told her I liked all the colors. The mom slowly exhaled and gave me a thankful smile.
I boarded the plane and I wondered:
Who did I protect more?
In line at the DFW airport, a young girl standing with her mom took notice of my luggage tag. I'm not a big "rainbow flag" person, but I get the significance. So, I purchased luggage tags with a rainbow squiggly type thing to make sure I always know which bags are mine.
After a few seconds she asked innocently, "Why do you have a rainbow on your suitcase?" I smiled and my kneejerk response was to explain why the rainbow symbol was important to me.
But then I thought of everything I have been through with my own children. How in my divorce decree I agreed to not tell my children anything about being gay or ever mention my partner. At the time of separating from my wife, my in-laws and my own parents were ready to speak out against me in court if I tried fighting or changing any of my wife's demands.
All of them wanted to protect my girls from my "lifestyle" and my "bad decisions". Recently, my ex-wife reminded me she wanted to protect their "innocence" for as long as she could.
Gay people are a fact of life that will not be shoved back in to the closet. Are parents really protecting their children by pretending gay people don't exist?
Today at the airport, I looked at the young girl...and I lied. I told her I liked all the colors. The mom slowly exhaled and gave me a thankful smile.
I boarded the plane and I wondered:
Who did I protect more?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
"It Gets Better": A Great Message or a False Promise?
I have discussed with many friends the recent "It Gets Better" movement which has gained momentum since the recent rash of gay suicides. People sharing their "it got better for me" stories, the young Broadway stars uniting for a recording of a song "It Gets Better", and stars and politicians speaking out to bring more attention to the plight of many young gay people have flooded the media and YouTube.
Although "It Gets Better" is a catchy, feel good saying meant to promote hope it can also evoke negative emotions. One friend called me upset, reminding me how in his own life things really haven't gotten better for him over the years. When I was a young gay man growing up in an ultraconservative home in the Southwest, things didn't get better for me until I went so far in the closet I thought I could see Narnia.
For the LGBT community, many of the things that have "got better" over the years have not come as the result of some heartwarming, spontaneous movement unleashed on the masses. Most of the good that the LGBT community enjoys has been the result of the efforts of its own citizenry.
No matter how much we say "It Gets Better", there is no guarantee our society will be any more accepting of alternative sexual orientation a generation from now than it is currently. It's a great dream, but one that can lead to disappointment.
Tomorrow a young gay man will go to school and be bullied and harassed by his peers. Tomorrow an accomplished lesbian lawyer will be passed over for a key promotion because of her sexuality.
What our community needs more than slogans is education and action on how to defend ourselves when needed, persuade others when opportunity affords, and treat our own wounds and push forward; even if things gets worse.
Although "It Gets Better" is a catchy, feel good saying meant to promote hope it can also evoke negative emotions. One friend called me upset, reminding me how in his own life things really haven't gotten better for him over the years. When I was a young gay man growing up in an ultraconservative home in the Southwest, things didn't get better for me until I went so far in the closet I thought I could see Narnia.
For the LGBT community, many of the things that have "got better" over the years have not come as the result of some heartwarming, spontaneous movement unleashed on the masses. Most of the good that the LGBT community enjoys has been the result of the efforts of its own citizenry.
No matter how much we say "It Gets Better", there is no guarantee our society will be any more accepting of alternative sexual orientation a generation from now than it is currently. It's a great dream, but one that can lead to disappointment.
Tomorrow a young gay man will go to school and be bullied and harassed by his peers. Tomorrow an accomplished lesbian lawyer will be passed over for a key promotion because of her sexuality.
What our community needs more than slogans is education and action on how to defend ourselves when needed, persuade others when opportunity affords, and treat our own wounds and push forward; even if things gets worse.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Don't Drink the Tea!: How the Gay Community Can Keep Voting Focus
This has been one of the most entertaining political seasons in recent memory. Nothing has entertained me so much as the Tea Party. From the over-top-candidates (thank you for the laughs, Christine O'Donnell) to ridiculous party platforms (no masturbation?) to blatant racism (yes, I mistake Latinos for Asians all the time) the Tea Party has caused quite the stir in the polical arena.
While the Republican party has enjoyed being energized as of late, the Democrats have been losing steam. An A.P. report released yesterday indicates this is particularly true in the gay community, with many reporting they are either not going to vote at all or try to find a different candidate to vote for next Tuesday. Discouraged and disallusioned by unfilled promises by the Obama administration, the gay community feels betrayed and may lash back come election day.
This may feel good in the short term, but in the long term this will only harm future attempts at gay friendly legislation. Make no mistake: the Obama administration and Democrats in general may be tempering current support of gay issues, but the Democratic Party is and will be the only party by which the gay community will experience positive change.
In the current political climate, not voting for or voting against a Democrat nominee is voting for a Republican candidate. There are some upstanding Republican candidates that are gay affirming, but they are few and far between.
There may not be a "good" candidate to vote for in many of next week's elections, but there is always a candidate that is the "lesser of two evils". Next Tuesday, the gay community needs to remember to vote for those candidates who are most likely to implement the change we desire; if not right away, at least in the future.
While the Republican party has enjoyed being energized as of late, the Democrats have been losing steam. An A.P. report released yesterday indicates this is particularly true in the gay community, with many reporting they are either not going to vote at all or try to find a different candidate to vote for next Tuesday. Discouraged and disallusioned by unfilled promises by the Obama administration, the gay community feels betrayed and may lash back come election day.
This may feel good in the short term, but in the long term this will only harm future attempts at gay friendly legislation. Make no mistake: the Obama administration and Democrats in general may be tempering current support of gay issues, but the Democratic Party is and will be the only party by which the gay community will experience positive change.
In the current political climate, not voting for or voting against a Democrat nominee is voting for a Republican candidate. There are some upstanding Republican candidates that are gay affirming, but they are few and far between.
There may not be a "good" candidate to vote for in many of next week's elections, but there is always a candidate that is the "lesser of two evils". Next Tuesday, the gay community needs to remember to vote for those candidates who are most likely to implement the change we desire; if not right away, at least in the future.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Still a Long Ways to Go: Representations of Same Sex Couples in Film and Audience Response
I went with my roommate Shawn to see "Life as We Know It". In a couple of different scenes, there is a gay couple introduced along with other parents, talking about the trials and tribulations of parenthood.
Shawn made an interesting observation on the way home: when the gay couple was first portrayed onscreen, there were chuckles from the audience. It wasn't that the couple was over the top or caricatured in any fashion. The simple fact they were a same sex couple illicited laughter.
If I was still living in the South I might expect such a reaction. But I am in California...living in the Bay area...near the Mother Ship city of gay acceptance.
It was a sobering reminder that just because people don't outwardly express negative attitudes doesn't mean the negativity doesn't exist. In many ways it is similar to racism: just because our country passed laws to prevent discrimination, there is no law that can be passed to change people's thinking. Racism is still alive and well, and is largely held in check because of the fear of consequences; not because most people have truely had a change of heart and worldview.
What lurks under the surface can be just as dangerous as outward hatred. Veiled disdain is no better than obvious disgust. The rhetoric I despise the most comes from the evangelical community, in the "we need to love the sinner and hate the sin" mantra used to reference homosexuals. It is really diatribe in its truest sense. Human nature is ugly, and these attempts to appear more hospitable to homosexuals actually perpetuates treating gays as "others" or "lesser" individuals. Althought many Christian leaders say they "love the sinner", very few actually interact with or show love towards the homosexual unless the homosexual is first repentant.
No, I can not draw a causal link between "love the sinner and hate the sin" and the snickers from the audience this evening. But what is clear is that behind each person is a leader, a lesson, or a voice that has told and continues to reinforce a viewpoint of homosexual couples as lower class citizens worthy of laughter.
I wish everyone that laughed in the auditorium tonight could live with a gay couple or family for a day and discover the real joke may be the anit-gay sentiment steeped in years of misunderstanding and misconception.
Shawn made an interesting observation on the way home: when the gay couple was first portrayed onscreen, there were chuckles from the audience. It wasn't that the couple was over the top or caricatured in any fashion. The simple fact they were a same sex couple illicited laughter.
If I was still living in the South I might expect such a reaction. But I am in California...living in the Bay area...near the Mother Ship city of gay acceptance.
It was a sobering reminder that just because people don't outwardly express negative attitudes doesn't mean the negativity doesn't exist. In many ways it is similar to racism: just because our country passed laws to prevent discrimination, there is no law that can be passed to change people's thinking. Racism is still alive and well, and is largely held in check because of the fear of consequences; not because most people have truely had a change of heart and worldview.
What lurks under the surface can be just as dangerous as outward hatred. Veiled disdain is no better than obvious disgust. The rhetoric I despise the most comes from the evangelical community, in the "we need to love the sinner and hate the sin" mantra used to reference homosexuals. It is really diatribe in its truest sense. Human nature is ugly, and these attempts to appear more hospitable to homosexuals actually perpetuates treating gays as "others" or "lesser" individuals. Althought many Christian leaders say they "love the sinner", very few actually interact with or show love towards the homosexual unless the homosexual is first repentant.
No, I can not draw a causal link between "love the sinner and hate the sin" and the snickers from the audience this evening. But what is clear is that behind each person is a leader, a lesson, or a voice that has told and continues to reinforce a viewpoint of homosexual couples as lower class citizens worthy of laughter.
I wish everyone that laughed in the auditorium tonight could live with a gay couple or family for a day and discover the real joke may be the anit-gay sentiment steeped in years of misunderstanding and misconception.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Respect in Sports: Gay Men and the Last Frontier
I am sitting here watching the San Francisco Giants take on the Philadelphia Phillies. It is bottom of the 9th, and the pitcher for S.F., Wilson, is trying to close out the game and earn his team a berth to the World Series.
While his pitching is stellar, another attribute of his distracted me. Wilson has light brown hair and freckles. However, he is sporting a dyed black beard. When I say black, I mean raven black. He looks like a grungy pirate. The commentators were having a great time razzing him and put a hairless pic up on the screen to show a blue eyed, baby faced Wilson next to his current self: someone who looks like they got their momma's mascara to darken his facial hair.
I know this trick because I tried it when I was younger. And then I wondered: could Wilson be gay? After all, dying ones beard isn't really a "straight" thing to do...is it? It really doesn't matter if he is gay or not, but it made me ponder how many gay men are secretly hiding in plain sight in the world of professional sports. Statistically, we know they exist. But to be out and a professional athlete is almost unheard of, especially in the more "macho" realms of baseball, football, basketball and hockey.
In the wake of the recent gay suicides, I wonder how society's attitudes toward gay men would change if those in the athletic elite were out and honest about their homosexuality. When I think of my friends and social group, I know gay men of every shape, size and interest. Some are effeminate and others are completely butch. But the big, hairy burly gay guys I call friends are not represented on the national stage or in the assumptions or our society's skewed viewpoint of homosexuals.
The game is over. Wilson struck out the last batter and the Giants are headed to the World Series. He jumped up and down and hugged his catcher. Maybe, just maybe he'll read my blog, put away his momma's mascara, and be motivated to explain why he really dyes his facial hair for national television.
While his pitching is stellar, another attribute of his distracted me. Wilson has light brown hair and freckles. However, he is sporting a dyed black beard. When I say black, I mean raven black. He looks like a grungy pirate. The commentators were having a great time razzing him and put a hairless pic up on the screen to show a blue eyed, baby faced Wilson next to his current self: someone who looks like they got their momma's mascara to darken his facial hair.
I know this trick because I tried it when I was younger. And then I wondered: could Wilson be gay? After all, dying ones beard isn't really a "straight" thing to do...is it? It really doesn't matter if he is gay or not, but it made me ponder how many gay men are secretly hiding in plain sight in the world of professional sports. Statistically, we know they exist. But to be out and a professional athlete is almost unheard of, especially in the more "macho" realms of baseball, football, basketball and hockey.
In the wake of the recent gay suicides, I wonder how society's attitudes toward gay men would change if those in the athletic elite were out and honest about their homosexuality. When I think of my friends and social group, I know gay men of every shape, size and interest. Some are effeminate and others are completely butch. But the big, hairy burly gay guys I call friends are not represented on the national stage or in the assumptions or our society's skewed viewpoint of homosexuals.
The game is over. Wilson struck out the last batter and the Giants are headed to the World Series. He jumped up and down and hugged his catcher. Maybe, just maybe he'll read my blog, put away his momma's mascara, and be motivated to explain why he really dyes his facial hair for national television.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Haven't We Heard This Before?
In the craziness of on again/off again politics surrounding the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, it has surprised me the rhetoric does not sound familiar to many. If one looks back at the arguments against allowing women in the military one will find there is nothing new under the discriminatory sun. Arguments ranging from "military preparedness" to "troop morale" were cited repeatedly to stop what was the inevitable: honorable and courageous women serving our military in various capacities, both in the field and off.
While there are still pockets of the military and society that might disagree with women serving in our armed forces the "consequences" are clear: our military did not become weaker or more vulnerable. Those who made the argument persuasively and demanded action decisively to promote women in the military did so because they knew it would only make our military better.
There will always be those uncomfortable with alternative sexual orientations. However, the fact a man is attracted to other men does not effect his ability to establish a satellite link, repair a jet fighter or pull a trigger. The knowledge a woman is attracted to other women does not effect her ability stitch up a comrade, pilot a helicopter or throw a grenade.
There is no evidence of one's sexual orientation negatively effecting military practices. The truth is that homosexuals (as in other arenas) have performed admirably throughout the history of the military. Unfortunately, we may never know of those individuals and their contributions because of the past necessity of hiding sexuality. By once and for all ending "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", and some of the narrow minded fundamentals behind its initial inception, history can begin recording the heroic stories of men and women from the LGBT community serving in our military ranks.
While there are still pockets of the military and society that might disagree with women serving in our armed forces the "consequences" are clear: our military did not become weaker or more vulnerable. Those who made the argument persuasively and demanded action decisively to promote women in the military did so because they knew it would only make our military better.
There will always be those uncomfortable with alternative sexual orientations. However, the fact a man is attracted to other men does not effect his ability to establish a satellite link, repair a jet fighter or pull a trigger. The knowledge a woman is attracted to other women does not effect her ability stitch up a comrade, pilot a helicopter or throw a grenade.
There is no evidence of one's sexual orientation negatively effecting military practices. The truth is that homosexuals (as in other arenas) have performed admirably throughout the history of the military. Unfortunately, we may never know of those individuals and their contributions because of the past necessity of hiding sexuality. By once and for all ending "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", and some of the narrow minded fundamentals behind its initial inception, history can begin recording the heroic stories of men and women from the LGBT community serving in our military ranks.
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